Once upon a time, there was an ordinary guy named Jerry, who lived in a fancy house in a small town, in the middle of a forest. Life was great for Jerry, he made a decent wage from his job as a weapons designer for Flockneed Guardin’, enough to support his comfortable lifestyle in addition to letting him save up quite the stockpile of gold coins. But one day, when Jerry was in the middle of perfecting his new invention: Spray Pepper, a pigeon landed on his window sill; It had a tiny scroll fastened to its leg. Curious, Jerry unfurled the scroll, and began to read:
To the citizen reading this,
You have been suspected of committing the crime of Pickpocketing. Upon receiving this message, you will be arrested, with punishment of 1 year in the dungeons.
*If you believe you are innocent of this crime, give this pigeon 1 Gold Coin,
and we will cancel the arrest and punishment.
King Gregory
Jerry was undoubtedly shocked at this development; he had never pickpocketed anyone, never so much as littered. He had the cleanest reputation in town! And now this! How could he be suspected of such a terrible crime? And so, Jerry placed a gold coin into the pigeon’s beak. A small price to pay to uphold his reputation, what with his 6 big bags of gold coins, it hadn’t made a dent.
This was not the last time Jerry would hear from this ‘King Gregory’, far from it actually. Over the course of about half a year or so, Jerry received 5,999 more messages from this man, in the very same format: You’re suspected of Littering, Arson, Murder, or Treason, but if you give the pigeon 1 Gold Coin, you’ll be perfectly fine. “This is some bullshit,” Jerry thought to himself, as he placed the very last one of his gold coins into the beak of a pigeon. “Well now I’m broke, time to go sell a kidney,” he thinks. And so he goes to visit his old friend Bobiathan, who he remembered used to run a surgery business a few years back before he’d been sent to the dungeons, but he got released about 6 months ago, so Jerry thought he could get him to buy a kidney. When he’d arrived at Bobiathan’s hovel, Jerry asked to sell a kidney. But Bobiathan said he had a daily special where if you sell both kidneys for the price of 1, he’d throw in 4 extra legs for free. So of course Jerry was like “Hell yeah!” and let Bobiathan perform the surgery. When Jerry awoke, he had 6 legs, 0 kidneys, and Bobiathan handed him a sack of gold coins, which Jerry, feeling a sudden, uncontrollable urge of hunger, devoured in mere seconds. When Jerry finally came to his senses, he was back at home, feeling normal again, and he felt all was well.
Once upon another time, about a week later, there was a wealthy merchant named Gregory, who just moved into a fancy house in a small town, in the middle of a forest. While carrying his 6 bags of gold coins, which he’d earned through his very lucrative business, into his house, his pet pigeon perched on his shoulder, he met his new neighbor, who introduced himself, “Hi neighbor! I’m Jerry. Wow, that’s a lot of gold coins you have, I had that many once. Anyway, you’d better keep an eye on your gold coins, because i’ve been hearing rumors around town that there’s this evil creature going around town and eating peoples’ gold coins, they call it the Evil Gerri, cute pet pigeon by the way”. But Gregory just laughed it off, thinking Jerry surely must be joking, and stored his gold coins in his home.
This went on for about a week, with Jerry warning Gregory about the Evil Gerri every single morning, before Gregory finally saw the Evil Gerri with his own eyes on an ordinary Tuesday afternoon. It was a terrible creature, sprinting toward him on all 6 of its legs, with its gaping maw hanging wide open as it screamed a terrible sound that rattled Gregory’s nerves. The Evil Gerri ran right up to his face, and stopped for a moment, its monstrous stare lingering on the now cowering Gregory for a moment, before it swung out its legs and tripped Gregory. Laying on the ground, Gregory watched it in paralysing horror as the Evil Gerri crawled right over him and into his door, and then guzzled down 2 bags of Gregory’s gold coins before running back out and disappearing into the forest. Needless to say, Gregory was still a bit shaken up the next day, so knowing Jerry works for Flockneed Guardin’, he asked him for a weapon. Jerry happily handed him the state of the art monster deterrent: “Spray Pepper 2000” which Jerry assured him was some powerful stuff, as it had taken him 2000 iterations to get the formula just right. Gregory thanked Jerry for all the help and for warning him about the Evil Gerri before going to bed for the night, with the Spray Pepper 2000 clutched in his arms as he slept.
Then suddenly in the middle of the night, Gregory awoke to the sound of footsteps, not just one set, but 3 sets of footsteps, in his home. So naturally, Gregory got out of bed to say hello, as they were probably just his 3 best friends, Drarrie, Jary, and Gairee paying him a surprise visit at 3:06am, just like old times. So he walked out into his dining room, but where he had expected to see Drarrie, Jary, and Gairee, his gaze was met with that of the horrible, terrible, despicable, Evil Gerri. He quickly fumbled to arm the Spray Pepper 2000, and pointed it right at the Evil Gerri’s face and jarringly open mouth. But he was too slow, and the Evil Gerri snatched the Spray Pepper 2000, and to Gregory’s shock, sprayed the entire thing directly into the Evil Gerri’s own mouth without even the slightest flinch. Gregory, frozen after that act of pure intimidation from the Evil Gerri, could only stand there helpless, as he watched the Evil Gerri slurp down two more bags of his gold coins. The Evil Gerri, upon finishing those two bags, turns to speak to Gregory as it’s leaving, “You want to know why I eat gold coins, don’t you?” it said in a sickly, sinister voice, “I’ll only tell once I get the last of my gold tomorrow,” it said ominously, as it scuttled off into the forest.
The next day, Gregory was fully on alert, and he wanted to be ready for when the Evil Gerri returns. So, naturally, he, while clutching his last 2 bags of gold coins to his chest for safety, went to consult with his neighbor Jerry for weapon contracting advice, with his pet pigeon still perched on his shoulder. Jerry looked especially happy today, and looked a little less mentally and physically crushed by the looming dread of his overwhelming poverty after having been scammed out of his life savings of 6000 gold coins, which was a topic Jerry would like to regularly fit in as part of his everyday greetings. “So, Jerry, do you have any advice on how i can deal with this Evil Gerri?”
“What’s the pigeon’s name?”
“What, why?”
“Tell me its name.”
“Geez, okay, her name is Jerry.”
“Spelled J-E-R-R-Y?”
“Yea—”
“There can only be one!” Jerry screeched, as he began to do jumping jacks, and Gregory watched in terror as all six legs emerged from under Jerry’s robes, and his jaw unhinged to reveal his terrible 10 rows of jagged teeth. “I–It’s you! You’ve been the Evil Gerri all along!”
“You’re right, It was me Gregory, or should I call you King Gregory, but wait, you never were a king were you?”
“What? How do you know that name? That’s the name I used for my Medieval Pigeon Call Center™!”
“I always knew it was you scamming me! I’d recognize that ugly ass pigeon anywhere, especially after the 6000 times it landed on my windowsill in the last six months!” It reaches out to grab the Jerry (the pigeon).
“Nooooo! Leave Jerry alone! It’s not our fault, I didn’t mean to scam you 6000 times!”
“You know how many times this stupid pigeon would show up at my house? 34 times a day! 34 fucking times! And never again!” the Evil Gerri squeezes Jerry tight, and forces her down Gregory’s mouth, held open by two of the Evil Gerri’s legs, and forces him to chew.
Gregory’s screams of disgust, terror, and betrayal, were never heard. Drowned out by the pigeon, Jerry, that he died choking on, and by the sound of the Evil Gerri, chomping away at his last 2 bags of gold coins. The End.
