Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): You’ll lose another sock to the dryer and have three lonely socks which is infinitely more awkward than two because two are inevitably better friends than the first and the third one always has to struggle to be included which is just too real a struggle. Lose another sock quick so that little red one doesn’t feel alone anymore.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): You will discover in the spring semester of your senior year that you failed OIE and you will have to take a supersenior semester just to make it up.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): You will develop a very convincing maniacal laugh and be cast in the next Tim Burton film. Unfortunately, Johnny Depp will be unfathomably jealous and hold a jar of dirt over you while you sleep.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): You’ll adopt another plant and forget to water it just like you forgot to water that basil plant. That helpless basil plant. Only you could take care of it and you couldn’t. You wanted to give it all life had to offer, but you couldn’t even keep it alive. You couldn’t find time to water it. You couldn’t find time in your busy schedule to water the plant that depended on you, and only you, to survive. This is also the month that you will realize that parenthood might not be for you.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): Good fortune comes to you this month. But beware. Always carry a clove of garlic with you. Not because of vampires but because you never know when it might come in handy.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): You will lose your prox and the dining hall staff will be real sick of your shit by the end of the week.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): You will realize this month that you don’t want to be an engineer and comparative literature is your passion.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): You’ve got a jar of diiiiiirt.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): You’ll have to go over to Babson all by yourself to get coffee. You’ll get asked by three separate people to be their technical co-founders. None of them are thinking of giving you equal share of their company.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): You will hear Thriller and Christmas music in the same day.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): You will wake up at 11 am on a Saturday only to find that there is no eggs benedict and that Chef Kevin is gone.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Your advisor will look at your 4-year plan and only be able to say, “Oh, honey.”