♈ Aries: March 21–April 19

• You will encounter a Man—someone’s boyfriend—in the hallway while wearing nothing but a towel.

♉ Taurus: April 20–May 20

• You are a swamp creature. They can tell.

♊ Gemini: May 21–June 21

• USB stick? Used tampon? A crab? Use dryer with caution.

♋ Cancer: June 22–July 22

• You will not get into your cross-reg. :(

♌ Leo: July 23–August 22

• Missing Person Alert. Last seen wandering East Hall in a banana suit.

♍ Virgo: August 23–September 22

• You will snipe Snillary Flinton from the Wellesley bell tower. Pew.

♎ Libra: September 23–October 23

• Cupcakke is coming. So are we.

♏ Scorpio: October 24–November 21

• If you lose your passport, check the Plan B bin.

♐ Sagittarius: November 22–December 21

• You WILL get some dick. I believe in you.

♑ Capricorn: December 22–January 19

• Drink the Baja Blast whiteboard cleaner. You know you want to.

♒ Aquarius: January 20–February 18

• Get impeached, dumbass.

♓ Pisces: February 19–March 20

• You’re doing ISIM week. Have fun.