♈ Aries: March 21–April 19
- You will encounter a Man—someone’s boyfriend—in the hallway while wearing nothing but a towel.
♉ Taurus: April 20–May 20
- You are a swamp creature. They can tell.
♊ Gemini: May 21–June 21
- USB stick? Used tampon? A crab? Use dryer with caution.
♋ Cancer: June 22–July 22
- You will not get into your cross-reg. :(
♌ Leo: July 23–August 22
- Missing Person Alert. Last seen wandering East Hall in a banana suit.
♍ Virgo: August 23–September 22
- You will snipe Snillary Flinton from the Wellesley bell tower. Pew.
♎ Libra: September 23–October 23
- Cupcakke is coming. So are we.
♏ Scorpio: October 24–November 21
- If you lose your passport, check the Plan B bin.
♐ Sagittarius: November 22–December 21
- You WILL get some dick. I believe in you.
♑ Capricorn: December 22–January 19
- Drink the Baja Blast whiteboard cleaner. You know you want to.
♒ Aquarius: January 20–February 18
- Get impeached, dumbass.
♓ Pisces: February 19–March 20
- You’re doing ISIM week. Have fun.
