March Drunk Horoscopes

♈ Aries: March 21–April 19

  • Beware the Ides of March. Beware the Bridge of Doom. The gauntlet is coming.

♉ Taurus: April 20–May 20

  • You don’t have to be a bitch about it, Beetle.

♊ Gemini: May 21–June 21

  • You will spend 4 hours painting yourself blue. You will find out that’s the wrong Avatar. The candidates will laugh at you. 

♋ Cancer: June 22–July 22

  • Are you a cis white TALL man? Apologize. Consider being an active member of the LGBTQ+ community.

♌ Leo: July 23–August 22

  • Boooooooooooooo.

♍ Virgo: August 23–September 22

  • Don’t get the flu. Do get the flu shot. Do get pot. Don’t get caught. Do-learn. Do-nut?

♎ Libra: September 23–October 23

  • Your friends will torment you with the pregnant man emoji. The miracle of life awaits.

♏ Scorpio: October 24–November 21

  • It’s 2:00 AM. You should go to bed. But the Nord floor calls to you. Pick up.

♐ Sagittarius: November 22–December 21

  • You will discover you signed up for the wrong ESA. It is too late.

♑ Capricorn: December 22–January 19

  • Squawk like a seagull. Caw-caw, caw-caw.

♒ Aquarius: January 20–February 18

  • Womp womp.

♓ Pisces: February 19–March 20

  • You will receive a shamrock shake free with purchase of $15 or more on UberEats. The driver will leave it at the wrong door.
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