♈ Aries: March 21–April 19
- Beware the Ides of March. Beware the Bridge of Doom. The gauntlet is coming.
♉ Taurus: April 20–May 20
- You don’t have to be a bitch about it, Beetle.
♊ Gemini: May 21–June 21
- You will spend 4 hours painting yourself blue. You will find out that’s the wrong Avatar. The candidates will laugh at you.
♋ Cancer: June 22–July 22
- Are you a cis white TALL man? Apologize. Consider being an active member of the LGBTQ+ community.
♌ Leo: July 23–August 22
- Boooooooooooooo.
♍ Virgo: August 23–September 22
- Don’t get the flu. Do get the flu shot. Do get pot. Don’t get caught. Do-learn. Do-nut?
♎ Libra: September 23–October 23
- Your friends will torment you with the pregnant man emoji. The miracle of life awaits.
♏ Scorpio: October 24–November 21
- It’s 2:00 AM. You should go to bed. But the Nord floor calls to you. Pick up.
♐ Sagittarius: November 22–December 21
- You will discover you signed up for the wrong ESA. It is too late.
♑ Capricorn: December 22–January 19
- Squawk like a seagull. Caw-caw, caw-caw.
♒ Aquarius: January 20–February 18
- Womp womp.
♓ Pisces: February 19–March 20
- You will receive a shamrock shake free with purchase of $15 or more on UberEats. The driver will leave it at the wrong door.
