♈ Aries: March 21–April 19
- Take a ride on the Gender Corkscrew. You might end up somewhere new.
♉ Taurus: April 20–May 20
- My father is a Taurus. He works on planes. A 737 Max goes up in flames.
♊ Gemini: May 21–June 21
- A balanced dinner of peanut butter cup. It has two food groups: peanut butter and cup.
♋ Cancer: June 22–July 22
- I am the Lorax. I speak for the trees. Litter again, I’ll break your fucking knees.
♌ Leo: July 23–August 22
- I’m Big Bud Dean—if it’s in your way, I’ll make your day.
♍ Virgo: August 23–September 22
- You go and walk into the bathroom. The door wacks the 55-gallon oil drum. (You’re in Massachusetts; those words rhyme.)
♎ Libra: September 23–October 23
- New! CORe-funded sauna, outside West Hall. Come get hot; come one, come all.
♏ Scorpio: October 24–November 21
- Throat hurts and all that crap. Not sure whether strep or strap.
♐ Sagittarius: November 22–December 21
- You do a shop training. You almost die. Metal with great velocity. Goodbye.
♑ Capricorn: December 22–January 19
- Double the roommates, triple the fun. Double the first-year class, I’m done.
♒ Aquarius: January 20–February 18
- Your Apple watch will tell you you have tachycardia. What the hell do you rhyme with tachycardia?
♓ Pisces: February 19–March 20
- Oh boy, oh boy, I can’t feel my teeth. I’m growing underground, I’m going beneath.