Drunk Horoscopes (Rhyme Edition)

♈ Aries: March 21–April 19

  • Take a ride on the Gender Corkscrew. You might end up somewhere new.

♉ Taurus: April 20–May 20

  • My father is a Taurus. He works on planes. A 737 Max goes up in flames.

♊ Gemini: May 21–June 21

  • A balanced dinner of peanut butter cup. It has two food groups: peanut butter and cup.

♋ Cancer: June 22–July 22

  • I am the Lorax. I speak for the trees. Litter again, I’ll break your fucking knees.

♌ Leo: July 23–August 22

  • I’m Big Bud Dean—if it’s in your way, I’ll make your day.

♍ Virgo: August 23–September 22

  • You go and walk into the bathroom. The door wacks the 55-gallon oil drum. (You’re in Massachusetts; those words rhyme.)

♎ Libra: September 23–October 23

  • New! CORe-funded sauna, outside West Hall. Come get hot; come one, come all.

♏ Scorpio: October 24–November 21

  • Throat hurts and all that crap. Not sure whether strep or strap.

♐ Sagittarius: November 22–December 21

  • You do a shop training. You almost die. Metal with great velocity. Goodbye.

♑ Capricorn: December 22–January 19

  • Double the roommates, triple the fun. Double the first-year class, I’m done.

♒ Aquarius: January 20–February 18

  • Your Apple watch will tell you you have tachycardia. What the hell do you rhyme with tachycardia?

♓ Pisces: February 19–March 20

  • Oh boy, oh boy, I can’t feel my teeth. I’m growing underground, I’m going beneath.
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