Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20): People can suffer from a psychological disorder called Boanthropy that makes them believe they are cow. You may have Boanthropy if you’ve tried eating the Great Lawn lately.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20): You should visit the Mcdonald’s in Antarctica. It’s amazing.
Cancer (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22): The next time you’re in Seoul, watch out for anyone dialing the number 113. They might think you’re a spy. And they’d be right.
Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22):
your tombstone will read: “Bitten to Death… By Snails… Fun Fact, snails have 14,000 teeth.”
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22): If you don’t have a penis, you are technically a spider.
Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22): Try playing the lottery numbers on your fortune cookie. It worked before. For 110 people.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Go eat some Himalayan Honey bee honey. It’ll be the best thing you ever do. If you survive the drug trip.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Try to be considerate as an alligator this month. They’ll give manatees the right of way while swimming.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Want to help cheat Google out of $110 million dollars every year? Use the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button. You may not always find what you’re looking for, but you can sleep easy knowing that you’re helping to dismantle capitalism.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Next time you put your foot in your mouth, remember that you can dig to China. You’ll just have to take a short flight to Argentina. After that, you’re on your own.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): If you were to travel back two decades, you could’ve hacked into any Hotmail account you wanted to. The password “eh” would’ve gotten you in. And if that isn’t the most Canadian thing ever, we don’t know what is.
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19): Listen, my children, and you shall hear
Of the midnight ride of Paul Revere,
On the eighteenth of April, in Seventy-Five:
Hardly a man is now alive
Who remembers that famous day and year.
He said to his friend, “If the British march
By land or sea from the town to-night,
Hang a lantern aloft in the belfry-arch
Which is to say: maybe slack isn’t the worst.