Drunk Horoscopes

By the drunk horoscope squad (can we get an extension on our pronouns?)

Aries (March 21-April 20)

Don’t go swimming in the parcel B pond. Who knows what’s in there. I do, but you don’t need to. 

Taurus (April 21 – May 20)

Just because you’re eating dirt doesn’t mean it has to taste bad. Bring some spices. Add some water and make it a soup. Or, add some leaves and make a salad. The opportunities are endless

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

How’s that rattling noise your car’s been making? Turn off the radio, and really listen. It almost sounds like its trying to tell you something. Maybe read the user manual?

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Why did the chicken cross the road? Well to beat the high score on the Crossy Road Leaderboard, of course. There’s a leaderboard in the MAC, and I bet you can’t beat it. But you could try…

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)

You know that Wizer Training phishing scam? Fun facts from Olin IT, it’s not actually phishing. Its an important 3 minute training to protect yourself from these scams. Or at least that’s what they want you to think. Maybe click the link anyways. It’s getting a bit annoying.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

It’s not too late to change your AHSE concentration. Babson College of Entrepreneurship offers four different classes in sex. That’s more than three. You could do it.  

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Google your name. You might find someone interesting. A new friend. Reach out to them on Linkedin. But, there can only be one. Challenge them to a fight. Winner takes the 

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 22)

Consider purchasing a life insurance policy. Not now, but like, later. It’ll probably come in handy. Not to you necessarily, but to someone. Or maybe consider it now. You can never be too prepared.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21)

Get a jar of salsa and invite over your 5 closest friends. Also get some tortilla chips. Or a spoon or straw, that works too. Set a timer. Go feral. 

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

The frogs are calling. Will you pick up? They might have an internship offer for you.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 19)

Have you filled out that reimbursement form? It might take 6 months to a year to get money in your bank account, so you should do that now. Yes, now. Find the receipts and submit the form.

Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 20)

Make sure you wake up at 10:30 am on the dot this Saturday. It’s omelet time. Tell James how much you appreciate him. Surprise him by ordering something new, like an omelet with no eggs. Or don’t. Change is hard and that’s ok.

Drunk Horoscopes


  • Oliver (no, I’d rather not) 
  • Florian (he/him) 
  • Jadelin (yes pls) 
  • Audrey (fuck) 
  • Kate (the fuck if i know) 
  • Reuben (*too busy asphyxiating on a water bottle to answer*)

Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19): 

It’s going to rain. Bring an umbrella with you. I know Olin is small, but you need it. Your laptop will get waterlogged as you walk across the O. You’ll need to go to IT and you don’t have time for that. Remember IT’s drop in hours are 8:30am – 5pm Monday through Friday. It is useful to bring documentation of your computer’s fuckups, because as soon as you go to IT it will unfuck itself. This may be a feature and not a bug. 

Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20):  

Go camping in parcel B. The ticks are your friends. Symbiotic relationship; let them have a snack. If you’re cold they’re cold. Let them have a snack. Bring them inside and treat them to a fancy dinner. Just be sure to respect their dietary restrictions. 

Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20): 

You don’t have to do a Passionate Pursuit every semester. Consider an Apathetic Pursuit instead. Find something you don’t care about and do that. Get the school to pay for it. They’ll only approve 1/3rd of what you ask for, so don’t aim too big. Aim small and get even less. 

Cancer (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22): 

Go to the East Hall basement at 5am and get your friends to teach you how to throw a punch. Remember to disinfect the gloves otherwise you might get hand foot and mouth. Sometimes being the mom friend means making people ramen and tea when they’re drunk. Sometimes being the mom friend means beating the everloving shit out of the people who fuck with your people. Adapt, improvise, overcome. 

Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22):

You have nine different light sources. That’s too many. Consider dimming it down a little bit. Take a break, chill a little bit. It’s ok, the world will keep on spinning. Just take a break. Take a fucking break. Self care is important. How do you do self care? Take a nap, install a dimmer switch in your room, smoke lavender by the fire pits, check out a book from the library, mix fireball with apple cider, go for a 24 mile run. That’s a lot of miles.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22): 

Congrats, you’re an engineer! Nerd. Have you taken a ZDR class yet? Yes, his lindy hop co-curricular counts. If you haven’t joined that yet, you should. You don’t have to know how to dance. We promise. Check the 3rd floor of the MAC to find a photo of Zach when he was a student in OCO (probably? We don’t know things about music, but Zach is there).. You can also search through the 30 second videos to find one that Zach was in. 

Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22): 

Have you gotten honor board jury trained yet? If not, you should! Reach out to Neel for more information. 

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21):  

Show up to the crescent room on Thursdays from 12-1pm. Congrats, you’re shop staff now! Alternatively, you might have accidentally joined Baja leadership. Either way, what a win! Or is it? 

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21):

Did you go to the SERV Auction? Proceeds this year went to the Ocean Conservancy. They conserve the ocean. Do you care about the ocean? You should. It cares about you. So much. Sea levels are rising. The ocean is calling out for help. The ocean is trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty. 

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19):

There are SAD lamps in the library now. They imitate the sunlight. Look into checking one out. I know that most mammals hibernate. Unfortunately, most humans are not supposed to. And when they do, its labeled SAD. That’s what the lights are for. You might have emotional needs. That’s what the SAD lamps are for. 

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): 

How’s your AHS concentration going? If you ask rob martello to be your independent study advisor it is probably too late. Ask Callan. We aren’t sure if she is allowed to be an advisor, but she should be. She has excellent advice. Listen to Callan. If you are a member of administration, give the library more money please. We love them very much. If you’re not a member of administration, come hang out in the library! It’s a good time.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20):  

Don’t drink the paint water. I know it is tempting, but it is very important that you do not drink it. If you really need to drink something colorful, bring food dye to the dining hall and put it in your milk. Mmmmm colors. Taste the rainbow. 

Drunk Horoscopes

-Oliver (none of the above)

-Kate (all of the above)

-Jadelin (your pronouns are become mine)

-Audrey (you know)

-Reuben (yes)

-Clark (you know em/you love em)

-Anna (she/her but I don’t think we’re actually writing our pronouns on here)

-Beli (I use she/her but I guess you can use dumb and dumber)

Capricorn – You are made out of snakes. All snakes are you. There are so many snakes inside of you. You should not think about this too much. sssssssssssssssssssssssss

Aquarius – You should send spreadsheet poetry to your crush. They will appreciate the data and your formulas. And the plots. The more plots the better: plots are the purest form of love.

Taurus – Eat a delicious ham that has been unearthed from parcel B. Burrow into the ground, you will find what you are looking for. After a thousand years of waiting, now is your chance.

Virgo – Don’t do crypto currency. Do cryptocurrency if you are snorting it with your nose. Or with your elbow. Don’t even think about that, just focus on the sweet sweet smell of cryptocurrency entering your nasal passages.

Aemini – Ask Chris Lee to slow down. Slow down like a slug running from a speeding train. Slither on the train tracks. MechSolids and dynamics are hard but they don’t have to be that hard. Solids can be soft and slimy like your slug self.

Libra – Don’t date people. Go out into the woods on a rainy night and look for frogs. Befriend french frogs. Just don’t be French. Don’t french kiss the frogs, you might get chytrid.

Pieces – Don’t spray perfume. don’t spray any aeroilized or pressurized things unless you are in the LPB paint bay. With the fume extractor on. Just don’t use the damper because it was never connected in the first place. Open the bay doors instead.

Cancer – It’s can crabssoint day. You should venmo @oilver $0.15 please help us bully Oliver it will be funny I swear

Cancer – Once in a while you are a green sour skittle. But sometimes you are the sexy m&m. Consider dissolving skittles in vodka if you like your vodka tasting like skittles

Scorpio – You are bioluminescent, you just haven’t noticed yet. Spend more time in the dark or the bio lab. If you have questions, talk to Jean. Shine bright like a diamond babey!! ;) :diamond_emoji:

Aries – Learn to weld. Snow IS a weldable material. Build a fantastic igloo. Think about the possibilities – you could weld anything if you put your mind to it. You could weld a snow table. You could weld a bird bath. You could even weld a SAE clean snowmobile.

Leo – By the time you graduate Olin you will have become a solar house. We know it is your fault that the mac gets so hot during the day. Maybe chill out a little bit. Maybe install blinds. But remember to wear safety glasses.

Sagittarius – Set something on fire this month. Commit arson. Burn down the tent in the O. You won’t do it. You coward. Maybe light a candle then I guess. It’s not the same but you can pretend that it is.

Drunk Horoscopes

Aries –  You’re going to choke on spicy dining hall food. You might think the dining hall food isn’t spicy, but you’re going to choke on the bland beef.

Taurus – Don’t take the elevator from the ground floor. You  will get stuck. 

Gemini – Your professor knows you didn’t do the homework. They see through your request for an extension. 

Cancer – You’re going to get hand foot mouth. Sorry. At least now you know.

Leo- Sexy good hair days for you. Enjoy. 

Virgo – We know you took a bite out of the toilet. Maybe eat breakfast instead. It’s the most important meal of the day.

Libra – You will fall down the library stairs. 

Scorpio – Get that tattoo. The one you’ve been thinking about. It’s a good idea. You won’t regret it.

Sagittarius – Take a nap. Go the fuck to sleep. Just, take a break you Oliner.

Capricorn – If you have blonde hair, you look like an inverted candy corn. Prove me wrong. If you don’t have blonde hair, you’re a Reese’s Pieces. 

Aquarius  – Every time you try to get tea from the dining hall soda machine it will be water. No tea for you. Try again next month. Sorry.

Pisces – Cry during office hours. You’ll get the extension. Girlboss moment.

Drunk Horoscopes

Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20): Is this real life or is this just fantasy? Why not test it out? Pinch yourself. Ask your best friend on a date. Stand on a table dining hall and sing a song. Mix all the sodas with sriracha. Eat floor wax. But I don’t need to draw more attention to myself than I already am. All the tests came back negative. Therefore, Connecticut.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20): You are the eye of the tiger. Or the knee of the lizard. It’s okay if you are still figuring yourself out. You have so many options, think for a minute. You can be any animal body part you like. 

Cancer (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22): Don’t stop believing, hold onto that feeling. That feeling of a tickle slowly dissolving into dread. You know what else is weird about horses?

Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22): Take me on a trip, I’d like to go someday. Take me to New York, I’d love to see L.A. Take me on a trip in my favorite rocket ship. You’ll be my American rocket ship. I love you, Saturn V. 

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22): Ain’t no mountain high enough. Ain’t no valley low enough. Ain’t no river wide enough. Man, this minecraft world sucks. But there is no global warming in minecraft. We can do whatever we want.

Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22): At first I was afraid, I was petrified, then I asked for an extension and my professor was on my side. Then I spent so many nights working on the assignment. I went to CA hours and got all my questions answered. And I grew strong. And I learned how to get along.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): You can set yourself on fire, but you’re never gonna burn burn burn. Like the pride flags in the dining hall, you are not particularly flammable but still against the Olin fire code. You can look up the fire code on the internet. But it is dense and unclear, so you’re never gonna learn learn learn.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Hey Jude, don’t make it worse. Make sure to avoid saturated fats, eat fruits and vegetables, and avoid the consumption of processed food. Increase your physical activity to at least 2.5 hours of moderate physical activity per week. Don’t smoke or drink alcohol. Remember to make regular visits with your cardiologist and let her into your heart so she can start to make it better. 

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you. There’s nothing that a hundred men or more could ever do. Don’t worry baby, it’s really hard to kidnap a blue whale. 

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): She wears short skirts, I wear T-Shirts, she wears socks, I also wear socks. She buys her socks from Costco, don’t ask me how I know that. Don’t buy socks from Costco this week, someone put itching powder in all of them.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): Here comes the sun. Why are you so cool?! You are the weather at Spring Soiree, too cool for real school. Be like summer in the spring, and do the thing halfway. You can always duct tape your tits. Remember that. It’s all right. 

Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19): Do you like pina coladas? With or without rum? It’s fine either way, I was making a new batch anyway, I can make it any way you like. Wait, you don’t like coconut? Well then is it even a pina colada? Well I guess pina colada means strained pineapple, so I can just give you pineapple juice with ice if you want. No, we’re not actually making pina coladas, it’s just for the drunk horoscope. 

Assorted other stuff: 

What could an elephant really give you? 

Drunk Horoscopes

Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20): Your teammates do not appreciate your team bonding ideas. Maybe try explaining them in the form of a song? Do not count your mangos before they’ve hatched.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20): Who said dispensing every drink from the fountain at once was a bad idea? This is what nirvana feels like. Just don’t spill it. That stuff will never wash out.

Cancer (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22): Write all your ideas down. All of them. Yes, even that one. Especially that one. Why aren’t you writing that one down? We’re tired of you not listening to us. Why haven’t you returned our calls?

Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22): Yes! Take that risk, baby! You’re on fire! No, seriously, you’re on fire. Where was the last time you saw a fire extinguisher? Map out your memory of the passage of time on the back of a napkin. Add the napkin to the flames.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22): One day you will walk through the exact geometric center of the O, and you won’t even notice. Damn. One of your projects is over-scoped.

Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22): Trains can be so romantic. Have you ever taken a ride on the Amtrak? The green line can be a close substitute, if you don’t care about quality, you cheapskate. You’ve been using too much 3D printer filament.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): You’ve got issues, but damn, maybe someone needs them a freak like that, bestie. You will be filled with a sudden, intense urge to eat the next bath bomb you see. Follow your heart.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): It’s time for a break. Maybe take a nice bath to celebrate? Wait, who ate all your bath bombs? Damn, guess you’ll have to keep feeding your workaholicism by starting a new project or creative venture. HAGS!

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Give all you can into the world. Unless you just have unsorted resistors. The world doesn’t want your striped denizens of purgatory. Go forth and choose your colors wisely.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): What are all these ‘feelings’ that everyone talks about so much?? Is it a type of potato chip? Why would anyone call a subflavor a feeling? Maybe potatoes have all the feelings and eating them gives them to us. Wanna test the theory?

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): You have the heart of a child, but can already hear your knees creaking. You think maybe this is a sign that you’re ready to adult. Will they build on each other or cancel each other out? Who knows???? Your aching back says to go take a shower.

Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19): What’s a four letter word for two things that’s also kinda like an apple? Wait, is it pair or pear? Gah, I hate this game. Pleeaase go fix the English language for me. Thanks, I owe you one!

dASSember Whoreoscopes

Very chaste and conservative predictions for the Franklin Walter Olin College Family.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Among the most oily fries lies a piece of gold. It’s your destiny calling, pick up! If you don’t, they’ll call again soon, but man are they going to be pissed. It’s not every day that destiny calls, and you can’t even get yourself off the toilet to answer. Is this because of the oily fries?

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Have you ever built a snowman? Do you want to build a snowman? Come on, let’s go and play! If you make a mess, that’s okay. Self-forgiveness is important, but make sure to buy some Clorox wipes! And definitely use those wipes to clean your laptop screen. Also, join ASs club.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

When the SolidWorks file crashes, you will crash with it. Beware of zero thickness geometry and always have a license on hand. When the circuit shorts, supply power again and again. The circuit just needs some time. Give it some time!!! Try plugging the USB into your belly button.

Gemini (May 21 – June 21)

After today, never eat chickpeas unless peeled beforehand. It will thank you. Embrace your inner child and you will receive 20% off your next purchase. If you call 1-800-CHILD right now, you’ll get two for the price of one! Now that’s a steal! DO NOT try this for jlcpcb.com purchases unless you are willing to lose a finger.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

In seven years look towards the sun. Close your eyes, though! But keep your third eye open. But if you keep it open for too long, it might get cold! Get some warm green tea and then feed it to the birds. They get cold too. If your corporeal form gets cold, try sitting in the 3rd floor endcap of the MAC.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Your elbow grease is leaking. Get a hold of yourself! It’s going to get all over your Cup Noodles™. You wouldn’t want that to happen– your Cup Noodles™ are so delicious all on their own, now with 50% less sodium! When life gives you lemons, make a battery. But don’t eat it.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

It seems they are watching you eat that cookie. Is it good? Do it for yourself – not others. What if you put a little bit of peanut butter on it? For yourself? Or maybe, you can eat it with ice cream. Or, if you are dairy-free, just stick to the peanut butter. Have you tried jelly on a cookie? Be open-minded. For yourself.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 21)

Call your mom. You need her. Like a servo motor, you spin when someone tells you to. Like an Arduino, you can be programmed. If you would like to opt out of being programmed all you have to do is let us know. Scream “妈妈” really loud in the dining hall. That’s the best way to reach us.

Libra (September 23 – October 23)

Scratch those armpits while you contemplate why you are alive. It’ll be a fruitful meditation, as long as you scratch those armpits. Whose armpits? We’ll never tell! If you say AC instead of MAC, we will tell. That’s unacceptable. One day Olin will consider naming a building after you.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

How do you wipe? You need to figure this out ASAP. Even if you think you know, you should definitely double-check. Once you find out, please let us know because now we are invested. Speaking of investing, the stock market is down <3 i hope this helps :) Now is the time to buy!

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Turn away from your demons at your earliest convenience. That spinach in your fridge is going bad. Eat that pie too! You need to clean out and unplug your fridge or else you will have a stinky surprise (metaphorically). When you are done with the cleaning, take a look inside? Are you clean? What is clean? I have a mop if you want to borrow it.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Hey partner, have you been suffering? Colony Care is a free resource for all Olin College students, and you should reach out if you want someone to talk to. Email Laura Kinney at laurakinney@colonycare.net to schedule an appointment with a Colony Care provider today! Also, tell the person to your left their shoe is untied.


Aries – Never forget to love Feet or kick yourself. xoxo. Your podiatrist is waiting on your call. xoxo. He will purr loudly. xoxo. Keep your paws clean. xoxo. Do not be afraid. xoxo. 🐈

Taurus – Cheetos won’t live forever. But you will live as long as the balance between church and state remains stable. *awkward!* You’re definitely mortal. Keep an eye out for the slippery fish in your life.

Gemini – He (domestic) squeezes with force until there’s no muffins left. Add flour until thiccc. Stir in chocolate to desired chalk. Serve hot with milk and LOVE!!! <3

Cancer – Wipe your shower with your desires. Cleaning spray is not the same. Squeegee the negative energy out of your life. Charge your soap in the moonlight.

Leo – Stay alive with all tables and children upright tonight. Take a left turn, and then a right one. Arrive at Hogwarts. What’s the secret house? We’ll let you decide. Text us your thoughts (LEOs ONLY: TBD)

Virgo – Begin with your vegan chives you pretentious little b****. I love you. Call me back. Dog is mad. Did not like your chives. Get basil. EAT FAST IT”S TIME TO GO

Libra – Think hard. Submerge yourself in the words of your elders. Take a trip. Lying won’t help you, boo. Crying will. Reject her. Sorry it didn’t work out. Better luck next time. I love your smile. 

Scorpio – Keep your dreams hidden from me. Share your startup ideas with the person to your left (yes, that one!). The doctor watches from Olin’s clock tower. Be strong.

Sagittarius – Sit down and relax your beans on the iron. Then be quiet. < laughing crying emoji > You’re being too quiet. Say something. Are you mad at me? Please just tell me what’s wrong. Your beans are burning–

Capricorn – Solution and mind will survive the century. Will you? We hope so. Sit on/at top of the 3rd table in the dining hall. You got this. Mortality relies on simple arithmetic. 2 + 2 = 2 2 tango. Have fun! If you can.

Aquarius – Be brave in long banana boats. The water can’t touch you if you don’t let it. The floor is lava. Oooh! Ouch! You’re burning! Burning hot, that is. Call me! Did you get your flu shot?

Pisces – Grow them until they’re flourishing and then cut ties. Use child-safe scissors. Safety first, when applicable. You will become huge on MySpace. Hey! That’s my space! Scoundrel!


Aries(March 21- April 19):

This is a scary month.   

No comment. 

Spooky Article: Unopened ream of W.B. Mason high definition paper.

Taurus (April 20-May 20):

This phrase will help you when you need it most: 


Spooky article: Enchanted Dagger

Gemini (May 21–June 21): 

Expect to be driving down a long road one night, when suddenly a small cat appears on the road. You’ll stop the car to save the cat. It will start raining and your car will break. You’ll follow the cat and arrive in front of a Victorian-style house. You’ll knock, and then walk in. When you’ll cross the threshold, you will find… a giant cat. 

Spooky Article: Catnip

Cancer (June 22–July 22):

Better luck next time. 

Spooky Article: Unopened Cutlery (salt and pepper included).

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22):

When you visit that antique store, don’t buy the amulet.

Spooky Article: the amulet we told you not to buy.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22):

Think twice about claiming your inheritance from Colonel Beauregard Sanders.

Spooky Article: Coupons good from June 3010-Nov 2099.

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 23):

Do cover your feet under when you go to bed. (The monster under your bed doesn’t want your toes to get cold).

Spooky Article: Toe Socks

Scorpio (Oct. 24–Nov. 21): 

Avoid trouble by refraining from asking  nosey questions, such as “Why are they publishing horrorscopes in November, and not October?  

Spooky Article: Clown noses.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): 

Make sure to pick a turkey which won’t be vengeful in the afterlife.

Spooky Article: Rusted Cutting Knife.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19): 

Mid fall is prime time for catching a cold. Don’t forget about the typical seasonal illnesses, like all-I-want-for-christmas-is-you-itis or Wham! Fever. 

Spooky Article: Vicks Vapo Rub from 1999.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18): 

*around the campfire* 

“…. and then the vampire said: ‘ FW:FW:FW:FW…..’”

Spooky Image:

Pisces (ʘ ω ʘ) (Feb. 19–Mar. 20): 

To honor your astrology sign, consider jumping into the Boston Harbor, and swimming across the Atlantic

Spooky Article: Magic Hat that makes you say, “boop” everytime you put it on or take it off.