Drunk Horoscopes

By the drunk horoscope squad (can we get an extension on our pronouns?)

Aries (March 21-April 20)

Don’t go swimming in the parcel B pond. Who knows what’s in there. I do, but you don’t need to. 

Taurus (April 21 – May 20)

Just because you’re eating dirt doesn’t mean it has to taste bad. Bring some spices. Add some water and make it a soup. Or, add some leaves and make a salad. The opportunities are endless

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

How’s that rattling noise your car’s been making? Turn off the radio, and really listen. It almost sounds like its trying to tell you something. Maybe read the user manual?

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Why did the chicken cross the road? Well to beat the high score on the Crossy Road Leaderboard, of course. There’s a leaderboard in the MAC, and I bet you can’t beat it. But you could try…

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)

You know that Wizer Training phishing scam? Fun facts from Olin IT, it’s not actually phishing. Its an important 3 minute training to protect yourself from these scams. Or at least that’s what they want you to think. Maybe click the link anyways. It’s getting a bit annoying.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

It’s not too late to change your AHSE concentration. Babson College of Entrepreneurship offers four different classes in sex. That’s more than three. You could do it.  

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Google your name. You might find someone interesting. A new friend. Reach out to them on Linkedin. But, there can only be one. Challenge them to a fight. Winner takes the 

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 22)

Consider purchasing a life insurance policy. Not now, but like, later. It’ll probably come in handy. Not to you necessarily, but to someone. Or maybe consider it now. You can never be too prepared.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21)

Get a jar of salsa and invite over your 5 closest friends. Also get some tortilla chips. Or a spoon or straw, that works too. Set a timer. Go feral. 

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

The frogs are calling. Will you pick up? They might have an internship offer for you.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 19)

Have you filled out that reimbursement form? It might take 6 months to a year to get money in your bank account, so you should do that now. Yes, now. Find the receipts and submit the form.

Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 20)

Make sure you wake up at 10:30 am on the dot this Saturday. It’s omelet time. Tell James how much you appreciate him. Surprise him by ordering something new, like an omelet with no eggs. Or don’t. Change is hard and that’s ok.

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