Aries – You’re going to choke on spicy dining hall food. You might think the dining hall food isn’t spicy, but you’re going to choke on the bland beef.
Taurus – Don’t take the elevator from the ground floor. You will get stuck.
Gemini – Your professor knows you didn’t do the homework. They see through your request for an extension.
Cancer – You’re going to get hand foot mouth. Sorry. At least now you know.
Leo- Sexy good hair days for you. Enjoy.
Virgo – We know you took a bite out of the toilet. Maybe eat breakfast instead. It’s the most important meal of the day.
Libra – You will fall down the library stairs.
Scorpio – Get that tattoo. The one you’ve been thinking about. It’s a good idea. You won’t regret it.
Sagittarius – Take a nap. Go the fuck to sleep. Just, take a break you Oliner.
Capricorn – If you have blonde hair, you look like an inverted candy corn. Prove me wrong. If you don’t have blonde hair, you’re a Reese’s Pieces.
Aquarius – Every time you try to get tea from the dining hall soda machine it will be water. No tea for you. Try again next month. Sorry.
Pisces – Cry during office hours. You’ll get the extension. Girlboss moment.