Extremely Accurate and Serious Horoscopes

Aries (March 21 – April 19): You have a future in the news. With the news.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): The soul is a squeegee. Yours is dry and crisp.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Follow the road with fewer tracks when you’re looking for peace. Follow the crowds when looking for a party.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Life is like an adventure novel, just longer.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): The next few weeks will require much racing. Trust not the flower, for the thorn is sharp and deadly.

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Horoscopes by Drunk Editors

Aries (March 21 – April 19): If you were a vegetable, you’d be a brussel sprout. Layered and hearty, but often overlooked and over-cooked.

Taurus (April 20 – June 20): Life is a bin. It’s up to you to choose whether it’s for trash or recylables.

Gemini (July 22 – May 21): Whew, it’s getting hot. Don’t fly too close to the sun, Icarus, or you’ll melt your wings clean off. Stick to the shade and chill the hell out.

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Keep the Presses Running!

Have you ever been in the computer lab late at night near the end of the month? Come visit and you’ll see us. We’re huddled around the last three computers in the front right corner: a handful of students joking, arguing about horoscopes, and yelling bad article titles back and forth.

“How about ‘News From Around the World’?”
“Too long and boring.”
“‘Bet You Didn’t Know This Thing Happened’”
“Too vague.”
“Popping the Olin Bubble?”

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Ye Moste Accurate Horoscopes

Aries (March 21 – April 19): You’d better check yourself before you wreck yourself, friend. Maybe you aught to check out that log in your own eye before you criticize the speck in yo neighbor’s, buddy. Your excuses are so weak that their Young’s modulus is negative.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): You’ll find yourself confronting lies at every turn, but now is not the time to call bullshit. Maintain a calm facade and you’ll soon return to smooth sailing.

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Horoscopes: Drunk and Lonely

Aries (March 21 – April 19): I see chocolate in your future. Preface those crunch bars with some crunches! Hit up the gym in preparation.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): A big due date approaches. Step up the pace in the home stretch to beat your high score. Beef up your defense to score a three pointer in the final inning!

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Get cracking on those resolutions. Quit your bad habits and start some good ones. Subtle nail polish discourages nail biting. Sticking to a routine cuts down on procrastination.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Your SO is thinking about dumping you. Break up with them first so you don’t feel like a loser. (See D&D column)

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Horoscopes by Drunk Editors

Aries (March 21-April 19): You’re close! Run fast, get through finals and sleep.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): You could use some pizzaz this month. A moustache or bow tie would suit you.

Gemini (May 21-June 20): Don’t despair, there’s always tomorrow. The moon guides your progress this month.

Cancer (June 21-July 22): Your friends are there to help you dig for the treasure. Don’t slack off. This booty be worth it!

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Horoscopes by Drunk Editors

Aries (March 21-April 19): The cosmic plane has a kind of weird stain in your corner. Review your notes, and check your math. This is your stupid month. Especially for dating. Just don’t do it. You’ll only fuck it up. Take time for yourself. As in, you’re single for a reason.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Authorities may need persuasion, so articulate the benefits of your point of view. You might need to get persuasive, if you know what I mean. Provide excellent service with the finest ingredients. Additionally. Prepare for later lunch, because of that class that always runs late.

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