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Horoscopes by your drunk editors

Horoscopes by Drunk Editors

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Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20): Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain. You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today. And then one day you find ten years have got behind you. No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20): Hey you, Whitehouse. Ha, ha, charade you are. You house proud town
mouse. Ha, ha, charade you are. You’re trying to keep our feelings off the street. You’re nearly a real treat. All tight lips and cold feet. And do you feel abused? You got to stem the evil tide. And keep it all on the inside.

Cancer (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22): There is no pain you are receding. A distant ship’s smoke on the horizon. You are the only coming through in waves. Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying

Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22): Come in here, dear boy, have a cigar. You’re gonna go far. You’re gonna fly
high. You’re never gonna die. You’re gonna make it if you try. They’re gonna love you.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22): I am just a new boy, stranger in this town. Where are all the good times? Who’s gonna show
this stranger around? Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22): Hey you out there on your own, sitting naked by the phone. Would you touch me? Hey you with you ear against the wall Waiting for someone to
call out. Would you touch me? Hey you, would you help me to carry the stone? Open your heart, I’m coming home

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Down, down. Down, down. The star is screaming. Beneath the lies. Lie, lie. Tschay, tschay, tschay. Careful…Careful…Careful with that axe, Eugene. The stars are screaming loud. Tsch. Tsch. Tsch.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): For millions of years mankind lived just like the animals. Then something happened which unleashed the power of our imagination: we learned to talk.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): And if the dam breaks open many years too soon. And if there is no room upon the hill. And if your head explodes with dark forebodings too, I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): IF YOU DON’T HAVE YER MEAT, YOU CANT’ HAVE ANY PUDDING.

Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19): We don’t need no education. We don’t need no thought control. No dark sarcasm in the classroom.

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Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20): Move forward one pawn or your pawn may change places with any pawn of an opponent.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20): Three dice are rolled on the Able-Bodied Welfare Recipient Promenade to determine the number of blocks advanced each turn.

Cancer (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22): When one player’s stock of colored plastic trains gets down to only 0,1 or 2 trains left at the end of his turn, each player, including that player, gets one final turn. The game then ends and players calculate their final scores.

Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22): There’s a delicious chocolate cake in the kitchen which is just impossible to resist. Luckily Dad is asleep and the kids are about to try creeping past to get a piece. But they really have to be careful, there are so many obstacles along the way and any one of them could WAKE DAD!

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22): Bonus, receive $300 when you land on this space. Not from me, what do you think this is, a bank?

Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22): At the beginning of each players’ turn they draw one candy card. That card may contain a single color block, two color blocks, or a picture of a place on the board. The color blocks allow you to move forward to that corresponding color. If two color blocks are drawn, then you move forward to the second matching color.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Watch out for Gemini. They’re thinking about changing places with your pawn. What an asshole.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): You must move one pawn forward 7 squares or split the move between any two pawns.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Bonus, receive $250 from Virgo when you land on this space.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): You are curious to learn more about Bigfoot and hope to befriend him, but he is threatened by your presence. Will you escape as he kicks the boulder in your path or will you have to start again?

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): The object of the game is to WIN. Even a straight hairdresser could understand that. On the surface that means driving your opponents into bankruptcy, leaving you as the ultimate Gay Realtor.

Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19): You must move one pawn backward 4 squares.

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Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20): Stay in school kids. There are more drugs there.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20): Dunce, ignoramus, dullard, drongo, klutz, Little Witham, silly billy, nincompoop, poop-stick, blockhead, dunderhead, dumbo, nitwit, stooge, sucker, twit, birdbrain, blockhead, bonehead, clod, cretin, dimwit, dolt, dope, goose, imbecile, loon, schlemiel, and numskull are all synonyms for fool. You’re welcome.

Cancer (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22): It turns out people don’t have an “I’m Feeling Lucky” button like Google does. But it would make making plans with your indecisive friend Jerry a lot easier. Come on, Jerry, Chipotle or Five Guys? It’s not that hard.

Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22):
Fun fact: snails can survive in almost any habitat. I find that oddly inspiring.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22): Virgo means virgin in Greek. Which means most Virgos eventually have to change their birthdays to a more appropriate date.

Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22): It’s a good thing cactuses don’t die as easily as that basil plant you killed last year. Yeah, we remember.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Much like you, a scorpion can glow in the dark, gives birth to live young, and consume anything they can subdue.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): OOOOOH WE’RE HALFWAY THERE WOAH OOOOH WE’RE LIVING ON A PRAYER. LIVING ON A PRAAAAAAAAYER!!!!

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): I don’t know. You probably like goats.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Water can dissolve more substances than any other liquids. So I’m thinking next time you get a super annoying teammate. You may want to try dissolving in. I don’t know, just throwing it out there.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): I’m not drunk. Your face is drunk.

Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19): As the great prophet Don McLean once said:

Bye, bye Miss American Pie
Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry
Them good ole boys were drinking whiskey and rye
And singin’ this’ll be the day that I die
This’ll be the day that I die

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Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20): People can suffer from a psychological disorder called Boanthropy that makes them believe they are cow. You may have Boanthropy if you’ve tried eating the Great Lawn lately.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20): You should visit the Mcdonald’s in Antarctica. It’s amazing.

Cancer (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22): The next time you’re in Seoul, watch out for anyone dialing the number 113. They might think you’re a spy. And they’d be right.

Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22):
your tombstone will read: “Bitten to Death… By Snails… Fun Fact, snails have 14,000 teeth.”

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22): If you don’t have a penis, you are technically a spider.

Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22): Try playing the lottery numbers on your fortune cookie. It worked before. For 110 people.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Go eat some Himalayan Honey bee honey. It’ll be the best thing you ever do. If you survive the drug trip.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Try to be considerate as an alligator this month. They’ll give manatees the right of way while swimming.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Want to help cheat Google out of $110 million dollars every year? Use the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button. You may not always find what you’re looking for, but you can sleep easy knowing that you’re helping to dismantle capitalism.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Next time you put your foot in your mouth, remember that you can dig to China. You’ll just have to take a short flight to Argentina. After that, you’re on your own.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): If you were to travel back two decades, you could’ve hacked into any Hotmail account you wanted to. The password “eh” would’ve gotten you in. And if that isn’t the most Canadian thing ever, we don’t know what is.

Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19): Listen, my children, and you shall hear
Of the midnight ride of Paul Revere,
On the eighteenth of April, in Seventy-Five:
Hardly a man is now alive
Who remembers that famous day and year.
He said to his friend, “If the British march
By land or sea from the town to-night,
Hang a lantern aloft in the belfry-arch
Which is to say: maybe slack isn’t the worst.

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Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Your most productive time of day for the next 8 weeks will be between 3:14 AM and 12:01 PM. Try to schedule all of your meetings and get all of your homework done during these hours. So what if your significant other is trying to sleep?

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): The world is going to try and make you feel bad for being single. Guess what? You don’t have to spent hundreds of dollars on flowers and chocolate and fancy dinner and gifts that your significant other wouldn’t really care about anyway. Take all that extra cash and go have some fun.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Your best friend is going to try and make you feel bad for not being single. They wish things could go back to howthey were before you “fell in love.” Pity them, but then remember you’re in a very happy and loving relationship and go have a good Valentine’s Day.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): It has been said that diamonds are a girl’s best friend, that the only way to show a woman that you love her is with a million karat rock that’s at least three month’s salary. Why does it seem like everything about love always comes back to money? Are we really that shallow?

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): According to legend, St. Valentine was executed shortly after healing the daughter of his jailor and writing her a letter signed, “Your Valentine.” That’s a happy an uplifting message: do something nice for your tormentor, and you’ll still die. Happy Bloody Valentine’s Day.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): You should inform Taurus that yes, we are really that shallow. Ten thousand years ago a declaration of love may have been getting to eat the first bite of wooly mammoth brain. Now it’s a shiny rock and a mortgage.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I didn’t know you were severely allergic to chocolate!
What- what do I do?

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Greek gods and goddesses used to put their dead lovers in the stars for the world to see. What have you honestly done that’s even half that impressive?
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): This holiday is arguably more red-centric than Christmas. Starbucks will probably have blue cups just for the 14th. Let’s not read into it too much, ok?

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Do you remember when you used to be required to make a valentine for everyone in your class, and at the end of the day you walk out of school with a box of candy and maybe a single mass produced card stock character valentine that your crush had written both of your names on? Ah, those were the days.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): The 14th is on a Tuesday. Let’s see what the most romantic thing you can come up with when you and your significant other both don’t have weekend Wednesday is. Please remember: be safe, be respectful.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Can you imagine being dumped on February 13th? I can’t think of anything more painful. Thankfully, stores are normally only sold out of chocolate and roses this time of year; pints of Ben & Jerry’s might actually even be discounted because the shop owners feel bad for you.

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Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): The course of true love never did run smooth.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Cowards die many times before their deaths; the valiant never taste death but once.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): Never a borrower nor a lender be; for loan oft loses both itself and friend, and borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Out, out brief candle! Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then is heard no more; it is a tale told by an idot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): This above all: to thine own self be true. And it must follow, as the night and day, thou canst not be false to any man.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more, Men were deceivers ever; one foot in the sea, and one on the shore, to one thing con- stant never.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22):
Have more than thou showest, speak less than thou knowest, lend less than thoou owest, ride more than thou goest, learn more than thou trowest, set less than thou throwest.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we might oft win, by fearing to attempt.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Swear not my the moon, the inconstant moon, that monthly changes in her circled orb, less that thy love prove likewise variable.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): You starvelling, you elfskin, you dried neet’s tongue, you bull’s pizzle, you stockfish. O for breath to utter what is like thee!
For potential legal reasons, though Shakespeare is public domain, dis- claimer: all quotes are Shakespeare, and Frankly Speaking does not make financial gains from their use.

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Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): The day before Thanksgiving, you will come down with a nasty bout of Amphibian Quail Sickness. The only known cure is putting a lime in- side of a coconut and drinking it all up. Hope you beat this.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Is the paint in your bathroom peeling more often than usual? It’s probably from all those showers your room- mate insists on taking at 5 AM while singing arias. At least you’ll know who to blame when Facilities doesn’t pass you for inspection.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Two mice were stuck in a bucket of cream. The first mouse quickly gave up and drowned. But the second mouse swam frantically, kicking his legs faster and faster until he churned the whole bucket in the butter. Moral of the story: the first mouse didn’t have to worry about the cat wait- ing outside of the bucket.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Did you know that pies were originally just jars to keep food in? Obviously the “jar” was made out of the medieval pie dough equivalent, but they somehow
managed to prevent rot/ bacteria from harming the filling over short periods of time. To honor those courageous inventors, you should eat lots of pie around the middle of the month.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): Every time some- one mentions a turkey this month, pretend like you’ve never heard of the creature, and make that person imitate a turkey call. It’ll be funny, I promise.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): You know what would be really bad this mini holiday season? If you slept through your alarm on your travel day. And then when you had scrambled to successfully book another travel reservation, the station got snowed in. And your fellow travelers started look- ing at you like a Donner Party member. But that’s totally not gonna hap- pen…
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Riddle me this, ModSim-ers and ModSim Alumni: If there are 330 million Americans and each person eats 1/4 of a turkey and there are 100 million turkeys turned into Butterballs each November and turkeys re- produce at a rate of .89
per year, how long will it take before we resort to eating tofurkeys?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Oh. You’re gonna get stuck doing ALL of the project work over break because the rest of your team has had plans to fly home for WEEKS, and it just wouldn’t be fair to make them cancel on their families when you have time to do the work “any- way”?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Tell Taurus that we’ve actually been eating tofurkey for years. Those vegan scientists are get- ting good.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22):
Don’t go to sleep on the 10th until after 11:59 PM. You’ll miss out on the coolest thing of the semester if you do.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Have you ever tried to see how many fall leaves you can crumble up and stuff into you neighbor’s boots? No? Wow, you’re missing out.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Bring Leo some warm milk on the 10th. They been working really hard, and could definitely use a good night’s sleep. Maybe tell them a bed time story.

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Taurus (April 20 – May 20): What do you mean you don’t have anything to do? How do you not have piles upon mountains upon plateaus of work? Did you forget a class?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Non, Rien de rien. Non, Je ne regrette rien. Ni le bien qu’on m’a fait. Ni le mal tout ça m’est bien égal. Non, Rien de rien. Non, Je ne regrette rien.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): So long as you survive this next week with all your limbs and digits attached, and you don’t have any more/fewer injuries than you did last week, I’d say you’re doing ok.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): Unemployment is always an option, though the benefits aren’t great. Walmart is another option, but I’m told that the benefits are even worse. Consider your options wisely.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Yes, you do have time to binge watch all of The Vampire Diaries on Netflix (not that there aren’t a million other, better, shows that you could procrastinate on, but I don’t know your life).
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Once every 25 years, it is rumored that the mystical homework fairy emerges and completes all the out-standing work and projects of good college students. This is not that year.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): You know what would be really funny? If all your finals happened to be scheduled on the same day. And you spent the whole night cramming and doing last minute analysis and then the poster printers all decided to stop working. So you borrowed a friend’s car to get Staples to print it for you at 7AM. And then you realized you forgot your pants as you ran in for your first presentation. But then all of your professors sent out emails saying they were cancelling their respective finals. And you were left standing at the classroom door in your boxers. That would be funny.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Actually, you know what would be even funnier than what’s going to happen to Scorpio? If the car was out of gas. So you had to take a GO Bike. But then the chain broke and you had to run to Staples, only to find that they didn’t open until 9AM. So you decided to just take the zero on the poster. And you trudged back to Olin, still ended up in class in your underwear. But then you did actually have to stand up and give a presentation. And then later, you realized the poster printers were fine, and you were just on OLIN GUEST.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Yes, making up data is bad. Like, definitely getting a zero on your paper, possible suspension, borderline illegal if we were out in the real world bad. That doesn’t mean I’m telling you not to do it. But like Leo, you should consider your options.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Feel like everything is falling to pieces? I’ve felt like that too. Expect they were just end mills. It was 304 stainless steel though, so I have an excuse. What’s yours?
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): Have you seen the rings under your eyes? There’s this knew concept that people are trying. It’s called getting enough sleep. We’re provided with beds, and things vaguely resembling mattresses. You could stand to use yours a little more often.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Oh, you’re graduating? Con-grad-ulations, wink wink. So what are you doing after graduation? Where are you working? Are you with someone? When are you gonna get married? Are you gonna have kids? How many? Thought about any names? Have you signed up for preschool yet?

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Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18): One is the loneliest number. Unless it goes to a party. You should attend a few this month.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20): Water is your sign. Drink lots of water. Good thing beer has water in it. So does wine. And vodka. Really any liquid to drown your sorrows at being alone during the middle of the month.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19): Don’t take the bull by the horns in a relationship. That’s stupid and dangerous. Actually, you probably shouldn’t have a bull in a relationship at all.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20): Get your hipster on this month. Give your special friend sweets in a mason jar.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20): They love me. They love me not. Make up your mind and stop whining about it.

Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22): Here’s what’s in your future… oh damn! The crystal ball has short term memory loss. There’s always the Magic 8 ball if you’re really that desperate.

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22): Roses are red, violets are blue. No one loves you. Boo hoo hoo.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22): Here’s a great plan for your love life. Fall in love with yourself. Really. You deserve it. And no one’s gonna treat you better than you.

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22): Smile more. You’ll make more friends, cheer people up, and feel great in the process. Smile, dammit! (WARNING: side effects white skin, and slowly turning into a morbid joke telling, deranged, homicidal maniac.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21): Want a Valentine’s date? Rub vanilla and sugar on your skin. JK. Unless you’re into ants.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21): Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the sweetest of them all? It’s you, baby. At least, it’s you unless Scorpio up there really is into ants.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19): If you eat lots of Valentine’s candy, guess you know the answer to “Does this make my butt look big?” Then again, chocolate helps produce dopamine, so really, it’s all about compromises (or something like that, Bio is not my thing).

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Aries (March 21 – April 19): Marco?

Taurus (April 20 – May 20):.Many hands.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): You, are foudroyant.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): April showers bring rainbows. Go find some.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): Nyctalopic octothrope.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): There’s gum on your shoes. Both of them.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Politeal Popinjays Play Ping Pong.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Boo.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Name a country.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Hitherto.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): [create your own]

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): POLO!