Horoscopes by Drunk Editors

Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20): Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain. You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today. And then one day you find ten years have got behind you. No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20): Hey you, Whitehouse. Ha, ha, charade you are. You house proud town
mouse. Ha, ha, charade you are. You’re trying to keep our feelings off the street. You’re nearly a real treat. All tight lips and cold feet. And do you feel abused? You got to stem the evil tide. And keep it all on the inside.

Cancer (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22): There is no pain you are receding. A distant ship’s smoke on the horizon. You are the only coming through in waves. Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying

Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22): Come in here, dear boy, have a cigar. You’re gonna go far. You’re gonna fly
high. You’re never gonna die. You’re gonna make it if you try. They’re gonna love you.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22): I am just a new boy, stranger in this town. Where are all the good times? Who’s gonna show
this stranger around? Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22): Hey you out there on your own, sitting naked by the phone. Would you touch me? Hey you with you ear against the wall Waiting for someone to
call out. Would you touch me? Hey you, would you help me to carry the stone? Open your heart, I’m coming home

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Down, down. Down, down. The star is screaming. Beneath the lies. Lie, lie. Tschay, tschay, tschay. Careful…Careful…Careful with that axe, Eugene. The stars are screaming loud. Tsch. Tsch. Tsch.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): For millions of years mankind lived just like the animals. Then something happened which unleashed the power of our imagination: we learned to talk.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): And if the dam breaks open many years too soon. And if there is no room upon the hill. And if your head explodes with dark forebodings too, I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): IF YOU DON’T HAVE YER MEAT, YOU CANT’ HAVE ANY PUDDING.

Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19): We don’t need no education. We don’t need no thought control. No dark sarcasm in the classroom.

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