Horoscopes by Drunk Editors

Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20): Move forward one pawn or your pawn may change places with any pawn of an opponent.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20): Three dice are rolled on the Able-Bodied Welfare Recipient Promenade to determine the number of blocks advanced each turn.

Cancer (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22): When one player’s stock of colored plastic trains gets down to only 0,1 or 2 trains left at the end of his turn, each player, including that player, gets one final turn. The game then ends and players calculate their final scores.

Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22): There’s a delicious chocolate cake in the kitchen which is just impossible to resist. Luckily Dad is asleep and the kids are about to try creeping past to get a piece. But they really have to be careful, there are so many obstacles along the way and any one of them could WAKE DAD!

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22): Bonus, receive $300 when you land on this space. Not from me, what do you think this is, a bank?

Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22): At the beginning of each players’ turn they draw one candy card. That card may contain a single color block, two color blocks, or a picture of a place on the board. The color blocks allow you to move forward to that corresponding color. If two color blocks are drawn, then you move forward to the second matching color.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Watch out for Gemini. They’re thinking about changing places with your pawn. What an asshole.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): You must move one pawn forward 7 squares or split the move between any two pawns.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Bonus, receive $250 from Virgo when you land on this space.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): You are curious to learn more about Bigfoot and hope to befriend him, but he is threatened by your presence. Will you escape as he kicks the boulder in your path or will you have to start again?

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): The object of the game is to WIN. Even a straight hairdresser could understand that. On the surface that means driving your opponents into bankruptcy, leaving you as the ultimate Gay Realtor.

Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19): You must move one pawn backward 4 squares.

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