Horoscopes By Drunk Editors

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): What do you mean you don’t have anything to do? How do you not have piles upon mountains upon plateaus of work? Did you forget a class?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Non, Rien de rien. Non, Je ne regrette rien. Ni le bien qu’on m’a fait. Ni le mal tout ça m’est bien égal. Non, Rien de rien. Non, Je ne regrette rien.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): So long as you survive this next week with all your limbs and digits attached, and you don’t have any more/fewer injuries than you did last week, I’d say you’re doing ok.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): Unemployment is always an option, though the benefits aren’t great. Walmart is another option, but I’m told that the benefits are even worse. Consider your options wisely.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Yes, you do have time to binge watch all of The Vampire Diaries on Netflix (not that there aren’t a million other, better, shows that you could procrastinate on, but I don’t know your life).
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Once every 25 years, it is rumored that the mystical homework fairy emerges and completes all the out-standing work and projects of good college students. This is not that year.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): You know what would be really funny? If all your finals happened to be scheduled on the same day. And you spent the whole night cramming and doing last minute analysis and then the poster printers all decided to stop working. So you borrowed a friend’s car to get Staples to print it for you at 7AM. And then you realized you forgot your pants as you ran in for your first presentation. But then all of your professors sent out emails saying they were cancelling their respective finals. And you were left standing at the classroom door in your boxers. That would be funny.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Actually, you know what would be even funnier than what’s going to happen to Scorpio? If the car was out of gas. So you had to take a GO Bike. But then the chain broke and you had to run to Staples, only to find that they didn’t open until 9AM. So you decided to just take the zero on the poster. And you trudged back to Olin, still ended up in class in your underwear. But then you did actually have to stand up and give a presentation. And then later, you realized the poster printers were fine, and you were just on OLIN GUEST.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Yes, making up data is bad. Like, definitely getting a zero on your paper, possible suspension, borderline illegal if we were out in the real world bad. That doesn’t mean I’m telling you not to do it. But like Leo, you should consider your options.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Feel like everything is falling to pieces? I’ve felt like that too. Expect they were just end mills. It was 304 stainless steel though, so I have an excuse. What’s yours?
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): Have you seen the rings under your eyes? There’s this knew concept that people are trying. It’s called getting enough sleep. We’re provided with beds, and things vaguely resembling mattresses. You could stand to use yours a little more often.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Oh, you’re graduating? Con-grad-ulations, wink wink. So what are you doing after graduation? Where are you working? Are you with someone? When are you gonna get married? Are you gonna have kids? How many? Thought about any names? Have you signed up for preschool yet?

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