Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): Sandals and snow don’t mix. Boots were invented for a reason. Although boots and tall snow don’t mix well either, so you’re probably just screwed.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): This month we will lose an hour. You’ll need to work very hard to make up for this missed hour or work time or sleep time. Use your negative hour very wisely – you paid for it with a hangover in November.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): See if any of the doors to the roof of your heart are open. Stargaze. Don’t get caught.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): If there was ever a time to embrace Pass/No Record, now is not it. Good news, though – spring break is right around the corner. You’ll have an extra week to work hard.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): If there was ever a time to embrace Pass/No Record, now is not it. Good news, though – spring break is right around the corner. You’ll have an extra week to work hard.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): You will have to walk to school, barefoot uphill both ways in the snow. And this winter is about to be Boston’s snowiest winter ever.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): When you see the bananas in the dining hall I bet all you can think of is the telephone. Use this as a reminder to call your family or reconnect with old friends. I bet they would love to hear from you.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Stop. Stop procrastinating. Stop saying ‘no.’ Stop trying so hard. Stop not trying hard enough. Stop feeling guilty.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Tennis balls are so perfectly round and fuzzy. They are fun to bounce. You can’t not smile when you’re holding a tennis ball. Next time you see one of these magical objects, make sure you give it its due respect.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): You can convince them of anything. Remember, people used to think the Earth was flat.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): You look like you need some ice cream. Guess what flavors the Dining Hall has? Peach.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): BACK UP YOUR DATA! EVERYTHING WILL CRASH AT MIDNIGHT!

Have you ever been in the computer lab late at night near the end of the month? Come visit and you’ll see us. We’re huddled around the last three computers in the front right corner: a handful of students joking, arguing about horoscopes, and yelling bad article titles back and forth.

“How about ‘News From Around the World’?”
“Too long and boring.”
“‘Bet You Didn’t Know This Thing Happened’”
“Too vague.”
“[censored]”
“…No.”
“Popping the Olin Bubble?”
“Perfect.”

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Aries (March 21 – April 19): You’d better check yourself before you wreck yourself, friend. Maybe you aught to check out that log in your own eye before you criticize the speck in yo neighbor’s, buddy. Your excuses are so weak that their Young’s modulus is negative.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): You’ll find yourself confronting lies at every turn, but now is not the time to call bullshit. Maintain a calm facade and you’ll soon return to smooth sailing.

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