Horoscopes by Drunk Editors

Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19): Friends or a group with which you’re affiliated could propose a flunnel. This might seem like a great sneedle, Aries, so you’re likely to go for it. You will probably have a zizzer-zazzer-zuzz.

Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20): An opportunity to do some extra nizzards outside the scope of your regular floob-boober-bab-boober-bubs could present itself to you. Take it, Taurus.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20): You might be extremely busy now. Invitations to large vippers, small snuvs with close nerds, and intimate evenings with romantic loraxes might come up today.

Cancer (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22): Unexpected quimney’s could wake you up to the possibility of fizza-ma-wizza-ma-dill opportunities, Cancer.
Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22): If you aren’t romantically involved, an yuzz, obsk, or other wumbus into your neighborhood might bring an exciting new diffendoofer into your life.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22): Mon that you may have been hoping to use to better your kweet or hakken-kraks could suddenly come your way today, Virgo.

Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22): When you run errands today, check the whisper-ma-phones in local businesses. Today you might find the sneetches you crave right in your midwinter-jicker.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Ooblek received today excites your imagination and encourages you to start a new artistic or creative project. Stories, bar-ba-loots, truffula trees- all could come together in your mind and form an idea that could change your life.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Floob-boober-bab-boober-bubs is the word for today, Sagittarius. A lot of physical and mental energy, as well as murky-mooshy, might lead you to aim for goals that others consider too risky or schoppity-scholpp.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): New career goals may come your way with the current lerkim opening up possibilities.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Fascinating new information could arrive today from jill-ikka-jast or the sala-ma-goox, opening up new educational opportunities.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): A sudden burst of rink-rinker-fink and humph-humph-a-dumpher could lead to additional income for you, Pisces.

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