Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): If you think you shouldn’t , you probably really shouldn’t. Or you could do it and see what happens.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Paranoia is a survival mechanism designed to keep you from being eaten, stabbed in the back, or poisoned.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Three can keep a secret if two of them are dead. Not that we endorse murder. Or suicide. Or even threats. We endorse nothing, nor are we endorsed by anyone. It’s a complicated legal thing.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Curiosity did kill the cat.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Sometimes having seven different contingency plans is a good thing.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): You are going to have a wonderful week. It will feel like you’re walking on clouds, like the birds are singing just for you. Think about buying a lottery ticket. Profess your love to your secret crush. Take up that hobby that you’ve always previously failed at. There is no losing for you. It’s like being King Midas, except that you won’t find yourself accidentally killing the ones that you love when they give you congratulatory high fives. Like being Achilles, except your mother knew that tongs existed and was able to thoroughly dunk you in the River Styx. Like being the Chicago Cubs making it to Game 7’s 10th inning to finally end a 108 year dry streak. In short, there is nothing that you cannot do this week. Play your cards right, and it could go down in the history books as one of the single greatest weeks in human history. Don’t let this opportunity go to waste. You could solve world hunger. You could find the cure for cancer. And if you think this is all too good to be true…
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): Put it back down. Walk away slowly.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Foolhardy decisions are for fools. Not that you’re a fool…
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Don’t do it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): You can never look over your shoulder too often.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Reevaluate your options.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): Bulls shouldn’t play in China Shops.