Aries (March 21-April 19): The cosmic plane has a kind of weird stain in your corner. Review your notes, and check your math. This is your stupid month. Especially for dating. Just don’t do it. You’ll only fuck it up. Take time for yourself. As in, you’re single for a reason.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Authorities may need persuasion, so articulate the benefits of your point of view. You might need to get persuasive, if you know what I mean. Provide excellent service with the finest ingredients. Additionally. Prepare for later lunch, because of that class that always runs late.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): You surprise everyone with your style choices this month. Do us all a favor, and stick to the basics. Don’t ignore facts. You know that person you’ve been hitting on since classes started? Yeah, they’re not interested. Accept advice from people who know better.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): Your nurturing helps others with their anxiety problems. Too bad it can’t help your love life, and hoo-ee it could use some! Include futuristic fonts. Futuristic fonts are the best. Envision the road ahead.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): Look into the distance for upcoming obstacles. You thought things were going so great, and now you have to have a “talk”. Well, can’t say I envy you. Happy Valentine’s day. Zoom on by.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): A new month means a new chance! Get ahead in your career by accessing your ambition. Take today and catch up on the things you’ve been putting off. Stop being such a lazy procrastinator. In other words, start answering my emails, (non-gendered) bitch.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): The adventure’s just beginning. And not the kind of adventure that ends happily. You thought you were going to be the hero; turns out you’re just NPC. Oh well, we can’t all be awesome. Flexibility and patience are key.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): You should probably cut a few of your classes in order to make a grand, romantic gesture. Grand gestures are definitely not the mark of a desperate person. Share a feast; obligations may force a delay.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You’re most likely to make a silly mistake or feel insecure. All you really need is love. But you worry about it so much that you’ll never find it. Press the pedal down to make things happen.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Comet Elenin is not expected to encounter any dark bodies that could perturb its orbit, and you aren’t either. Try to find some sluttier clothing. It’s probably the best thing you have going for you right now. Also Venus is in its eighth house or some bullshit.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): An unfriendly new moon is predicted. Build a solid foundation. Raise walls. Maybe a roof. Nothing can find you in your fortress. Especially not love.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): Meteors fall across the face of Jupiter. Troubled times are ahead. But don’t worry, there’s hope! You have a support network! Your loved ones believe in you more than you do. Trust them. They’re probably right this time.