Horoscopes by Drunk Editors

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): They say that two birds of a feather flock together. It’s a wonderful thing to find a sense of community, a sense of belonging, a place that no matter how hard you mess up someone will always be around to tell you “well, at least you tried.” A lot of people strive for that. No one should take it for granted. Birds also flock in trees. Too bad Olin doesn’t have any.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Scorpions are pretty dangerous. If you see one, do not engage. It may try to lure you in. Be assured, it does not have tequila shots and will certainly not be giving any to you.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): When selling your next house remember: location, location, location.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Let’s see…(rolls die) 2? It’s gonna be a rough week because (rolls again)…4? Your cat will be sick. (Rolls again)…1? He’ll be fine. He’s scrappy

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): You won’t be able to connect to the Olin network, no matter how hard you try.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): You might be allergic to grapes, Kevin.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Winter is coming…with highs of forty degrees and lows of around twenty. Make sure to wear a nice coat, the scarf your grandmother made you, and sacrifice to your local weather deities today. Remember: a goat a day keeps the chills away!

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): You might find yourself with a pen that you swear wasn’t yours.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Stay away from Pisces on Friday.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Call your mom, Jerry. For Pete’s sake!

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): You know that thing you haven’t cleaned for a while? Yeah, now would be a good time.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): The planets have aligned for you this month. You’ll find that the person you’ve been waiting to respond to you is…who am I kidding? I can’t do this. I’m not cut out for horoscopes just like I’m not cut out for taking care of basil plants. Every day it just sits there, dying, and I didn’t even notice, didn’t even care until it was dead. I was supposed to take care of it and it died. Here I am trying to tell you how to live your life, and I can’t even take care of a stupid basil plant.

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