Drunk Horoscopes

Aries: March 21 – April 19

New Year’s Resolutions? Sorry the LGRAC is so crowded. More like New Year’s Revolutions. What’s your RPM bro?

Taurus: April 20 – May 20

Have you heard about Project 2025? At least they have a plan. That’s more than we can say for Olin.

Gemini: May 21 – June 20

Trump said our sex is assigned at contraception, so everyone is a condom now. drill baby drill.

Cancer: June 21 – July 22

As a country, we are making such great strides towards a racially diverse society. The richest African-American man is white. We did nazi that coming. 

Leo: July 23 – August 22

Do you have an internship for the summer? Try the tried-and-true strategy: Live Laugh Lockheed. God knows they’ve sent enough emails. 

Virgo: August 23 – September 22

If they get to storm the capitol, we should be allowed to storm the Hot Topic at Natick Mall. Happy 4 year anniversary! Would you like to get a choker?

Libra: September 23 – October 22

What if Olin took over Canada? What if Olin took over Greenland? Dave Barrett’s pool has now expanded to the Panama Canal, and North Hall is on the coast of the Gulf of Gilda.

Scorpio: October 23 – November 21

Oliners need to stop whining, start boxed wine-ing instead. Have they tried Nighthawk Lush Pinot Noir? Tastes a lot better than powdered eggs. 

Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21

Time to bring joy! Wanna hang out with life-sized Tim Sauder? Or throw snowballs at the Californian first year who only wears shorts? 

Capricorn: December 22 – January 19

Have you ever considered writing a Frankly Speaking article? There’s about a 50% chance it ends up online. Hundreds of alumni probably agree with you. 

Aquarius: January 20 – February 18

Get ready for Valentine’s Day! Enjoy a wonderful evening full of ESA, SoftDes, and tears. Love letter? More like RUOK letter.

Pisces: February 19 – March 20

Have you considered being a whore? I heard the job market is tough right now. You might need more options. There’s a stripper pole in the 2N closet. 

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