♈ Aries: March 21–April 19

• Horoscope? More like whore of scope?! More like whore…O-scope?!!! Return them please?!!!!!!!! MY WHORES?!

♉ Taurus: April 20–May 20

• Taurus? More like. Clitaurus. Wait, where’d it go?! The asteroid made them go extinct.

♊ Gemini: May 21–June 21

• Have you shown up to DesNat recently? Kate has probably been more than you have.

♋ Cancer: June 22–July 22

• They’re inverting the dogs! They’re transposing the cats! That’s Kamambla’s eigenvector!

♌ Leo: July 23–August 22

• Is Charmander bicurious? Only in theory, not in practice.

♍ Virgo: August 23–September 22

• Did he tell you to come? No, he did that all by himself.

♎ Libra: September 23–October 23

• Wait! I think we have that song on Rock Band. Wait! I think we broke the drums on Rock Band. MaaAaAaAAAaaAaps.

♏ Scorpio: October 24–November 21

• I’ve fucking had it with Frankly Speaking! Posting shit all over the Dining Hall… I could have used that paper to wipe my ass.

♐ Sagittarius: November 22–December 21

• Team bonding? No no no, team bondage. What’s our PIE budget?

♑ Capricorn: December 22–January 19

• Feeling overwhelmed? Have you considered quitting FWOP? Quitting Formula? Quitting CORe? Quitting the first year?

♒ Aquarius: January 20–February 18

• Just so you know, it’s your fault I’m leaving. -Aurelia

♓ Pisces: February 19–March 20

• Go white boy go! Hot To Go?! H-O-T-T-O-G-O! You can take me hot to go.