- Aries: March 21–April 19
- Real eyes realize real lies. Something to think about.
- Taurus: April 20–May 20
- You’ve been through the 12 steps, you’ve been born again, good luck getting everyone to forget you’re a MechE. You can’t shed that kind of stigma.
- Gemini: May 21–June 21
- There is no other woman. He’s playing league of legends. six hours a day. League of Legends. SIX HOURS. You’re gonna wish he was cheating on you.
- Waning Gibbous: June 22–July 22
- The call is frantic. Your mother is trapped in an elevator with 50 blue men who each need to exit at different floors. If only you had paid more attention.
- Leo: July 23–August 22:
- Hey first year, yes that’s you. I’ve been in therapy for 3 years and still talk weekly about those god damn giraffes. Be careful.
- Year of the Rat: August 23–September 22:
- You’re on the phone with your grandma. She’s telling you how to check for lumps. She’s baking a cake. What are you doing?
- Libra: September 23–October 23
- You’re about to catch some shade for wearing your Skydio shirt. You caught shit for it yesterday too. The day before? Do you only own one shirt?
- Scorpio: October 24–November 21
- Do it. You know you want to. Print the card. 9/11 Hot wings. You know you want to
- Sagittarius (the beyblade): November 22–December 21
- Frankly Speaking has censored this horoscope for reasons of personal bias.
- Capricorn: December 22–January 19
- You didn’t break the six week rule. You didn’t break the seven, eight or nine week rule. Huh, is it ever going to happen?
- Aquarius: January 20–February 18
- Parcel B closes at dusk now. For pedestrians. You know what happens after 4:15 pm? You have to fly in…
- #0155: Cyndaquil: February 19–March 20
- The stars are telling you to venmo Oliver 400 dollars. It’s been a year. @Oilver (qr code at the bottom of the page)