♈ Aries: March 21–April 19
- You will start a club and make a group chat. It’s Facebook Messenger. You will cry. Your club will cry. Facebook Messenger will cry.
♉ Taurus: April 20–May 20
- You’ll start vibrating, then you’ll start bouncing, and then you won’t be able to stop. You’ll start doing a kickline. Country roads, take me home.
♊ Gemini: May 21–June 21
- You wake up. You have one Croc on. Where is the other Croc? It’s not in the Shop, because Crocs are not Shop-safe. (Even if they’re filled with jibbitz.)
♋ Cancer: June 22–July 22
- Touch some dirt. It doesn’t have to be outside. In fact, maybe grow a tree in your toilet. Remember, the Olin dorm dirt limit is ten gallons.
♌ Leo: July 23–August 22
- IT’S REUBEN, I KNOW IT IS. IT’S REUBEN!!
♍ Virgo: August 23–September 22
- You will get a computer virus. You will click on the big green download button. Microsoft says you don’t have one, but you do.
♎ Libra: September 23–October 23
- You will die slowly, like the grass under the Family Weekend tent. Your parents will come see you. They love the tent. They don’t realize you’re dying.
♏ Scorpio: October 24–November 21
- Carve a pumpkin in a church. Carve a church in a pumpkin. Steal a pumpkin from a church, no one will stop you. Steal a church from a pumpkin, even.
♐ Sagittarius: November 22–December 21
- You will get lost in Parcel B this week. You will befriend a bug, though. It might hop. You might hop.
♑ Capricorn: December 22–January 19
- You will find a mosquito bite on your body. You don’t know where it came from. You didn’t even go outside. Maybe you should go outside.
♒ Aquarius: January 20–February 18
- You’re probably sober. You can still feel your teeth.
♓ Pisces: February 19–March 20
- There are so many questions! Where I go? Who I know? Will I be alone on Saturday night???
