Drunk Horoscopes

♈ Aries: March 21–April 19

  • You will start a club and make a group chat. It’s Facebook Messenger. You will cry. Your club will cry. Facebook Messenger will cry.

♉ Taurus: April 20–May 20

  • You’ll start vibrating, then you’ll start bouncing, and then you won’t be able to stop. You’ll start doing a kickline. Country roads, take me home.

♊ Gemini: May 21–June 21

  • You wake up. You have one Croc on. Where is the other Croc? It’s not in the Shop, because Crocs are not Shop-safe. (Even if they’re filled with jibbitz.)

♋ Cancer: June 22–July 22

  • Touch some dirt. It doesn’t have to be outside. In fact, maybe grow a tree in your toilet. Remember, the Olin dorm dirt limit is ten gallons.

♌ Leo: July 23–August 22


♍ Virgo: August 23–September 22

  • You will get a computer virus. You will click on the big green download button. Microsoft says you don’t have one, but you do.

♎ Libra: September 23–October 23

  • You will die slowly, like the grass under the Family Weekend tent. Your parents will come see you. They love the tent. They don’t realize you’re dying.

♏ Scorpio: October 24–November 21

  • Carve a pumpkin in a church. Carve a church in a pumpkin. Steal a pumpkin from a church, no one will stop you. Steal a church from a pumpkin, even.

♐ Sagittarius: November 22–December 21

  • You will get lost in Parcel B this week. You will befriend a bug, though. It might hop. You might hop.

♑ Capricorn: December 22–January 19

  • You will find a mosquito bite on your body. You don’t know where it came from. You didn’t even go outside. Maybe you should go outside.

♒ Aquarius: January 20–February 18

  • You’re probably sober. You can still feel your teeth.

♓ Pisces: February 19–March 20

  • There are so many questions! Where I go? Who I know? Will I be alone on Saturday night???
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