Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20): Watch out this halloween for you will actually be frightened by jack-o’-lanterns as if you were a vampire or as if you had just undergone a horrible break-up with a man named Jack O’Lantern.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20): It turns out, you are a vampire, which is why you hate garlic and have never shown up in mirrors.
Cancer (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22): You will miss your classes and Olin professors will simultaneously start taking attendance that very day.
Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22): Remember that spider you killed last week? You know what I’m talking about. Well his name was Greg, and his family misses him and his sister Valencia is coming to exact revenge. She says she will show no mercy and she will lay her eggs in your shoes.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22): You will wake up one day with the strange, but unmistakable, feeling that you were a donut in your past life and your friends killed and ate you to survive the winter.
Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22): You will start the book It by Stephen King and realize that you’ve enslaved yourself for life, or at least the semester. But you’ll enjoy yourself because it’s a good read.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): The SAG apple apple you pick will have a worm in it. His name is Earl. You will become a great friend, but he will die soon thereafter. He is a worm, their life spans aren’t long.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): You will wake up one morning and realize that you no longer have pass-no-record.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): The dining hall staff will be replaced by robots who don’t care how much corn you want in your power bowl.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): You will realize that, all along, you were not meant to raise living things. The infamous basil plant was just the final drop in the bucket. You let a cactus die once. How could you ever forget that. Watch out, this career fair, instead of being recruited by Microsoft, you may be recruited by…the GRIM REAPER.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): You wake up on a season of Survivor only to realize that you are the asshole who gets voted out first.
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19): Your tangled headphones will finally consume you and everything you love.