Horoscopes by Drunk Editors

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Marco?

Taurus (April 20 – May 20):.Many hands.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): You, are foudroyant.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): April showers bring rainbows. Go find some.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): Nyctalopic octothrope.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): There’s gum on your shoes. Both of them.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Politeal Popinjays Play Ping Pong.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Boo.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Name a country.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Hitherto.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): [create your own]

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): POLO!

Horoscopes by Drunk Editors

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): Sandals and snow don’t mix. Boots were invented for a reason. Although boots and tall snow don’t mix well either, so you’re probably just screwed.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): This month we will lose an hour. You’ll need to work very hard to make up for this missed hour or work time or sleep time. Use your negative hour very wisely – you paid for it with a hangover in November.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): See if any of the doors to the roof of your heart are open. Stargaze. Don’t get caught.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): If there was ever a time to embrace Pass/No Record, now is not it. Good news, though – spring break is right around the corner. You’ll have an extra week to work hard.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): If there was ever a time to embrace Pass/No Record, now is not it. Good news, though – spring break is right around the corner. You’ll have an extra week to work hard.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): You will have to walk to school, barefoot uphill both ways in the snow. And this winter is about to be Boston’s snowiest winter ever.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): When you see the bananas in the dining hall I bet all you can think of is the telephone. Use this as a reminder to call your family or reconnect with old friends. I bet they would love to hear from you.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Stop. Stop procrastinating. Stop saying ‘no.’ Stop trying so hard. Stop not trying hard enough. Stop feeling guilty.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Tennis balls are so perfectly round and fuzzy. They are fun to bounce. You can’t not smile when you’re holding a tennis ball. Next time you see one of these magical objects, make sure you give it its due respect.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): You can convince them of anything. Remember, people used to think the Earth was flat.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): You look like you need some ice cream. Guess what flavors the Dining Hall has? Peach.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): BACK UP YOUR DATA! EVERYTHING WILL CRASH AT MIDNIGHT!

Horoscopes by Drunk Editors

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): You should probably re-measure that thing.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): Today is going to be the worst. Maybe you should get a new hat.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): If a Candidate comes up to you with questions, make sure that they know Olin Dining doesn’t have grapefruit spoons.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): You know what you did, and so does the universe. You’re awesome.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Give up hope on that. No more partying for you.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Do you smell that across the hall?

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): Paint the town red. Crash a party.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): You rule. Go look for pizza.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Run! Hide!

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Don’t forget your towel.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Things may be unclear today. Bring an umbrella.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Today will be almost perfect… for everyone else!

Horoscopes by Drunk Editors

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Now is a great time to have that discussion you’ve been putting off. It may not be comfortable, but you’ll be happier for it in the end.

Taurus (April 20 – June 20): Having apocalyptic thoughts? Feel like the world is going to come crashing down? It just might.

Gemini (July 22 – May 21): This month you will meet a frog. You won’t want to, but perhaps you should give it a second chance. You never know what a frog might become.

Cancer (June 21 – Oct. 23): It’s spring cleaning time. Clean your dirty laundry! Clean your room! Clean your life!

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Horoscopes by Drunk Editors December 2013

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Answer your emails.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): When things start to get dangerous, do not let anything get to you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Let your spirit run free and dance on your way to class. Dance like there is no one watching.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): Sometimes you slip up at something you did not see coming. Do not let that get you down.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): People are like aglets. You never know how useful they are until they are gone.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Stop putting off that last item on your to-do list.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): It takes a lot of guts to get up and work without a plan. You know how to do more than you think you can do.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Tradition might be warm and fluffy. But truth is, it can be easily seen as outdated.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): It is going to get cold.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Be honest, be clear, and take time to yourself.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Check in on your family more often! They (probably) love you.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Do not let other people lead you around in life. Make your own choices.

Extremely Accurate and Serious Horoscopes

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Be careful to tell the truth in the upcoming weeks, because your lies will come back to haunt you.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Mimic a trait you admire in others.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Be cautious of taking out your frustration on your friends. Remember they have your best interests at heart.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Go into Boston. It will be exceptionally easy this month. You will be able to enjoy the city in a new way.

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Extremely Accurate and Serious Horoscopes

Aries (March 21 – April 19): You have a future in the news. With the news.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): The soul is a squeegee. Yours is dry and crisp.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Follow the road with fewer tracks when you’re looking for peace. Follow the crowds when looking for a party.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Life is like an adventure novel, just longer.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): The next few weeks will require much racing. Trust not the flower, for the thorn is sharp and deadly.

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Horoscopes by Drunk Editors

Aries (March 21 – April 19): If you were a vegetable, you’d be a brussel sprout. Layered and hearty, but often overlooked and over-cooked.

Taurus (April 20 – June 20): Life is a bin. It’s up to you to choose whether it’s for trash or recylables.

Gemini (July 22 – May 21): Whew, it’s getting hot. Don’t fly too close to the sun, Icarus, or you’ll melt your wings clean off. Stick to the shade and chill the hell out.

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Keep the Presses Running!

Have you ever been in the computer lab late at night near the end of the month? Come visit and you’ll see us. We’re huddled around the last three computers in the front right corner: a handful of students joking, arguing about horoscopes, and yelling bad article titles back and forth.

“How about ‘News From Around the World’?”
“Too long and boring.”
“‘Bet You Didn’t Know This Thing Happened’”
“Too vague.”
“[censored]”
“…No.”
“Popping the Olin Bubble?”
“Perfect.”

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Ye Moste Accurate Horoscopes

Aries (March 21 – April 19): You’d better check yourself before you wreck yourself, friend. Maybe you aught to check out that log in your own eye before you criticize the speck in yo neighbor’s, buddy. Your excuses are so weak that their Young’s modulus is negative.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): You’ll find yourself confronting lies at every turn, but now is not the time to call bullshit. Maintain a calm facade and you’ll soon return to smooth sailing.

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