Extremely Scientific Horoscopes

Welcome back! I hope you all were able to find some kind of joy in your summers despite the state of current affairs and the Mercury retrograde that transpired from mid-June to mid-July. For those who aren’t familiar with this column, I am an amateur astrologist, and I enjoy calculating the locations and signs of celestial bodies and sharing some interpretations of those cosmic events. That being said, I’m an amateur, and while I’m happy to share how I learned about all of this, I probably got some stuff wrong. Feel free to reach out to me if you have any concerns.

In general, September brings forward a period of transition – as the sun moves from Virgo to Libra with the Autumnal Equinox (in the Northern Hemisphere) on September 23rd, you’ll see an influx of balance and harmony, especially in your closest relationships. Those roommate/housemate conflicts should resolve themselves, and you’ll soon figure out how often you should be calling your loved ones you are physically distanced from.

As with each month, there will be a full moon. This month’s full moon is in Pisces on September 2nd. Full moons in Pisces often correspond to periods of strong emotion – so if the last week or two has felt especially intense, you have reason to hope they will cool down soon. At the same time, these emotions should generally lead to productive discussion, so if you’re seeking some closure on past conflict or want to bring up concerns to your pandemic podmates, you can feel empowered to do that early and often. There will also be a new moon; this month’s will be on September 17th and will be in Virgo. New moons in Virgo present an opportunity for fresh starts. Kick off that initiative, club, or project around this month’s new moon, and you should be able to maintain a detail-oriented and productive trajectory going forward.

While your sun sign only reveals a small portion of your astrological story, there are specific astrological events especially relevant to each sign. 

Aries (Mar. 21–Apr. 19): Mars, your ruling planet, will enter retrograde in Aries on September 9th. This will invert your usual productivity-oriented mindset and challenge you to question your projects and working strategies. This does not have to be a bad thing; sometimes pivoting can lead to better outcomes, and experimenting thoughtfully can help you find better practices.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Your ruling planet, Venus, will enter Leo on September 6th. Take this opportunity to make confident choices when interacting with other people – volunteer to take on difficult assignments for your projects, and catch up with that old friend.

Gemini (May 21–June 21): Mercury rules both you and Virgo. Mercury enters Libra on September 5th, and brings calmness and a chance to make new friends as well as catch up with old ones. Later, on September 27th, Mercury will enter Scorpio, and you can expect to need to be more strategic with your communications.

Cancer (June 22–July 22): The moon is your primary ruler. As such, you will feel the effects of the September 2nd full moon in Pisces and the September 17th new moon in Virgo. While this shift from emotional and ever-changing stimuli to a more planned and straightforward way of thinking might feel jarring and make you feel restless at first, enjoy the opportunity to relax and remain productive at the same time. Working hard can be fun! 

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22): The sun rules you, so embrace Virgo’s detail-oriented, put-together spirit for the first half of the month before shifting towards more balance in Libra season. In short, be sure to unpack your belongings, but don’t worry too much about deciding where everything should go.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22): The sun starts the month in Virgo, promising you a powerful beginning to the month, which is especially useful in this time of transition. Channel this energy into taking steps to stay organized – reimage your laptop, file every piece of paper you own, and make the most aesthetically pleasing zoom background you can. Your future self will thank you!

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 23): Libra season starts towards the end of the month. If you were born in September, the positive impacts on your thinking and identity will take effect sooner – those who are on the cusp of Scorpio may feel restless in anticipation. Your ruling planet, Venus, enters Leo on September 6th, so you can feel empowered to act boldly, especially in the context of interpersonal relations (but please practice social distancing…). 

Scorpio (Oct. 24–Nov. 21): You have a mostly quiet month ahead. However, on September 27th, Mercury will enter Scorpio. This will likely lead to a need for strategic thinking in the realms of technology and communication. If you have too much information, try not to get bogged down in the details. If you have too little information, think before asking clarifying questions.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): Your ruling planet, Jupiter, goes direct in Capricorn on September 12th. This should lead to a general increase in your luck, especially in the context of new ventures or projects you are pursuing. Don’t be afraid to try something new, even if it seems scary or your professor tells you it might be “overscoped” or “not aligned with the laws of physics.”

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19): Saturn, your ruling planet, has been in retrograde since July 1st. This will change when Saturn goes direct in Capricorn on September 28th. This shift in career-minded Saturn signals a transition in your learning and work experiences; while the last few months may have felt like working hard within the constraints of a given system, you now have an opportunity to carve your own path. 

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18): Your ruling planet, Uranus, entered retrograde in Taurus on August 15th and will stay in retrograde for a while. This is an opportunity to stay grounded by reevaluating your community and the issues that affect it and taking action accordingly – this is a great time to phone bank for a candidate or issue you care about or join an advocacy organization to fight for what you believe in. 

Pisces (Feb. 19–Mar. 20): Most notably, this month’s full moon falls in Pisces – expect your intense emotions to persist through the beginning of the month before fading in its latter half. Also, your ruling planet, Neptune, will be opposite the sun (in Virgo) on September 11th, which may lead you to feel dazed and disorganized; this will pass, but take extra care to keep track of those first homework assignments.

Thanks for reading, and I hope this guidance serves you well over the next month. If you would like to discuss astrology or learn more, please feel free to reach out! 

Horoscopes by Drunk Editors

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Marco?

Taurus (April 20 – May 20):.Many hands.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): You, are foudroyant.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): April showers bring rainbows. Go find some.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): Nyctalopic octothrope.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): There’s gum on your shoes. Both of them.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Politeal Popinjays Play Ping Pong.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Boo.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Name a country.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Hitherto.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): [create your own]

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): POLO!

Horoscopes by Drunk Editors

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): Sandals and snow don’t mix. Boots were invented for a reason. Although boots and tall snow don’t mix well either, so you’re probably just screwed.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): This month we will lose an hour. You’ll need to work very hard to make up for this missed hour or work time or sleep time. Use your negative hour very wisely – you paid for it with a hangover in November.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): See if any of the doors to the roof of your heart are open. Stargaze. Don’t get caught.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): If there was ever a time to embrace Pass/No Record, now is not it. Good news, though – spring break is right around the corner. You’ll have an extra week to work hard.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): If there was ever a time to embrace Pass/No Record, now is not it. Good news, though – spring break is right around the corner. You’ll have an extra week to work hard.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): You will have to walk to school, barefoot uphill both ways in the snow. And this winter is about to be Boston’s snowiest winter ever.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): When you see the bananas in the dining hall I bet all you can think of is the telephone. Use this as a reminder to call your family or reconnect with old friends. I bet they would love to hear from you.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Stop. Stop procrastinating. Stop saying ‘no.’ Stop trying so hard. Stop not trying hard enough. Stop feeling guilty.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Tennis balls are so perfectly round and fuzzy. They are fun to bounce. You can’t not smile when you’re holding a tennis ball. Next time you see one of these magical objects, make sure you give it its due respect.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): You can convince them of anything. Remember, people used to think the Earth was flat.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): You look like you need some ice cream. Guess what flavors the Dining Hall has? Peach.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): BACK UP YOUR DATA! EVERYTHING WILL CRASH AT MIDNIGHT!

Horoscopes by Drunk Editors

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): You should probably re-measure that thing.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): Today is going to be the worst. Maybe you should get a new hat.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): If a Candidate comes up to you with questions, make sure that they know Olin Dining doesn’t have grapefruit spoons.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): You know what you did, and so does the universe. You’re awesome.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Give up hope on that. No more partying for you.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Do you smell that across the hall?

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): Paint the town red. Crash a party.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): You rule. Go look for pizza.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Run! Hide!

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Don’t forget your towel.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Things may be unclear today. Bring an umbrella.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Today will be almost perfect… for everyone else!

Horoscopes by Drunk Editors

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Now is a great time to have that discussion you’ve been putting off. It may not be comfortable, but you’ll be happier for it in the end.

Taurus (April 20 – June 20): Having apocalyptic thoughts? Feel like the world is going to come crashing down? It just might.

Gemini (July 22 – May 21): This month you will meet a frog. You won’t want to, but perhaps you should give it a second chance. You never know what a frog might become.

Cancer (June 21 – Oct. 23): It’s spring cleaning time. Clean your dirty laundry! Clean your room! Clean your life!

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Horoscopes by Drunk Editors December 2013

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Answer your emails.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): When things start to get dangerous, do not let anything get to you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Let your spirit run free and dance on your way to class. Dance like there is no one watching.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): Sometimes you slip up at something you did not see coming. Do not let that get you down.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): People are like aglets. You never know how useful they are until they are gone.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Stop putting off that last item on your to-do list.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): It takes a lot of guts to get up and work without a plan. You know how to do more than you think you can do.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Tradition might be warm and fluffy. But truth is, it can be easily seen as outdated.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): It is going to get cold.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Be honest, be clear, and take time to yourself.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Check in on your family more often! They (probably) love you.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Do not let other people lead you around in life. Make your own choices.

Extremely Accurate and Serious Horoscopes

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Be careful to tell the truth in the upcoming weeks, because your lies will come back to haunt you.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Mimic a trait you admire in others.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Be cautious of taking out your frustration on your friends. Remember they have your best interests at heart.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Go into Boston. It will be exceptionally easy this month. You will be able to enjoy the city in a new way.

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Extremely Accurate and Serious Horoscopes

Aries (March 21 – April 19): You have a future in the news. With the news.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): The soul is a squeegee. Yours is dry and crisp.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Follow the road with fewer tracks when you’re looking for peace. Follow the crowds when looking for a party.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Life is like an adventure novel, just longer.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): The next few weeks will require much racing. Trust not the flower, for the thorn is sharp and deadly.

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Horoscopes by Drunk Editors

Aries (March 21 – April 19): If you were a vegetable, you’d be a brussel sprout. Layered and hearty, but often overlooked and over-cooked.

Taurus (April 20 – June 20): Life is a bin. It’s up to you to choose whether it’s for trash or recylables.

Gemini (July 22 – May 21): Whew, it’s getting hot. Don’t fly too close to the sun, Icarus, or you’ll melt your wings clean off. Stick to the shade and chill the hell out.

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Keep the Presses Running!

Have you ever been in the computer lab late at night near the end of the month? Come visit and you’ll see us. We’re huddled around the last three computers in the front right corner: a handful of students joking, arguing about horoscopes, and yelling bad article titles back and forth.

“How about ‘News From Around the World’?”
“Too long and boring.”
“‘Bet You Didn’t Know This Thing Happened’”
“Too vague.”
“[censored]”
“…No.”
“Popping the Olin Bubble?”
“Perfect.”

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