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Horoscopes by your drunk editors

Drunk Horoscopes

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Aries: March 21 – April 19

Welcome back from break—time for a design review! She ideate on my 100 till I converge to just a few.

Taurus: April 20 – May 20

Would you like a new ECE professor? She 😰 on my 😢 till I 😎 ‘er.

Gemini: May 21 – June 20

Have you figured out where you’re living next year? She nudge on my triple till I volunteer.

Cancer: June 21 – July 22

My hole is infected, better call Pfizer. She burst on my hot water pipe till I geyser.

Leo: July 23 – August 22

6 orgasms, 12 donuts, 18 miles, 24 beers. Change my mind. She run up my dough cos I’m on that grind.

Virgo: August 23 – September 22

Dum – da – dum – didly – diff. She power on my chords till I down a fifth.

Libra: September 23 – October 22

ChatGPT’s got your back for homework, but don’t let it make you lazy or brittle. She feeds me her essay till I fake it a little.

Scorpio: October 23 – November 21

Finishing your concentration? Your Wellesley course is done, she strike on my picket line till I don’t come (to class).

Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21

For the man who runs multiple classes about drugs, that formal email was crazy. She X on my T till I C.

Capricorn: December 22 – January 19

After all these years… Alisha is moving on to bigger and better things, outside this school. Show up to the farewell party if you’re cool.

Aquarius: January 20 – February 18

Only YOU can create a masterpiece that surpasses orgy in the dark. She stack on my can tower till I finish by the 30-second mark.

Pisces: February 19 – March 20

Give in to your gambling addiction, succumb to the rush. She go all-in on my jacks till I flush.

Drunk Horoscopes

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Aries: March 21 – April 19

New Year’s Resolutions? Sorry the LGRAC is so crowded. More like New Year’s Revolutions. What’s your RPM bro?

Taurus: April 20 – May 20

Have you heard about Project 2025? At least they have a plan. That’s more than we can say for Olin.

Gemini: May 21 – June 20

Trump said our sex is assigned at contraception, so everyone is a condom now. drill baby drill.

Cancer: June 21 – July 22

As a country, we are making such great strides towards a racially diverse society. The richest African-American man is white. We did nazi that coming. 

Leo: July 23 – August 22

Do you have an internship for the summer? Try the tried-and-true strategy: Live Laugh Lockheed. God knows they’ve sent enough emails. 

Virgo: August 23 – September 22

If they get to storm the capitol, we should be allowed to storm the Hot Topic at Natick Mall. Happy 4 year anniversary! Would you like to get a choker?

Libra: September 23 – October 22

What if Olin took over Canada? What if Olin took over Greenland? Dave Barrett’s pool has now expanded to the Panama Canal, and North Hall is on the coast of the Gulf of Gilda.

Scorpio: October 23 – November 21

Oliners need to stop whining, start boxed wine-ing instead. Have they tried Nighthawk Lush Pinot Noir? Tastes a lot better than powdered eggs. 

Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21

Time to bring joy! Wanna hang out with life-sized Tim Sauder? Or throw snowballs at the Californian first year who only wears shorts? 

Capricorn: December 22 – January 19

Have you ever considered writing a Frankly Speaking article? There’s about a 50% chance it ends up online. Hundreds of alumni probably agree with you. 

Aquarius: January 20 – February 18

Get ready for Valentine’s Day! Enjoy a wonderful evening full of ESA, SoftDes, and tears. Love letter? More like RUOK letter.

Pisces: February 19 – March 20

Have you considered being a whore? I heard the job market is tough right now. You might need more options. There’s a stripper pole in the 2N closet. 

Drunk Horoscopes

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  • Aries: March 21–April 19
    • Real eyes realize real lies. Something to think about.
  • Taurus: April 20–May 20
    • You’ve been through the 12 steps, you’ve been born again, good luck getting everyone to forget you’re a MechE. You can’t shed that kind of stigma.
  • Gemini: May 21–June 21
    • There is no other woman. He’s playing league of legends. six hours a day. League of Legends. SIX HOURS. You’re gonna wish he was cheating on you.
  • Waning Gibbous: June 22–July 22
    • The call is frantic. Your mother is trapped in an elevator with 50 blue men who each need to exit at different floors. If only you had paid more attention.
  • Leo: July 23–August 22:
    • Hey first year, yes that’s you. I’ve been in therapy for 3 years and still talk weekly about those god damn giraffes. Be careful.
  • Year of the Rat: August 23–September 22:
    • You’re on the phone with your grandma. She’s telling you how to check for lumps. She’s baking a cake. What are you doing?
  • Libra: September 23–October 23
    • You’re about to catch some shade for wearing your Skydio shirt. You caught shit for it yesterday too. The day before? Do you only own one shirt?
  • Scorpio: October 24–November 21
    • Do it. You know you want to. Print the card. 9/11 Hot wings. You know you want to
  • Sagittarius (the beyblade): November 22–December 21
    • Frankly Speaking has censored this horoscope for reasons of personal bias.
  • Capricorn: December 22–January 19
    • You didn’t break the six week rule. You didn’t break the seven, eight or nine week rule. Huh, is it ever going to happen?
  • Aquarius: January 20–February 18
    • Parcel B closes at dusk now. For pedestrians. You know what happens after 4:15 pm? You have to fly in…
  • #0155: Cyndaquil: February 19–March 20
    • The stars are telling you to venmo Oliver 400 dollars. It’s been a year. @Oilver (qr code at the bottom of the page)

Drunk Horoscopes

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♈ Aries: March 21–April 19

  • Horoscope? More like whore of scope?! More like whore…O-scope?!!! Return them please?!!!!!!!! MY WHORES?!

♉ Taurus: April 20–May 20

  • Taurus? More like. Clitaurus. Wait, where’d it go?! The asteroid made them go extinct.

♊ Gemini: May 21–June 21

  • Have you shown up to DesNat recently? Kate has probably been more than you have.

♋ Cancer: June 22–July 22

  • They’re inverting the dogs! They’re transposing the cats! That’s Kamambla’s eigenvector!

♌ Leo: July 23–August 22

  • Is Charmander bicurious? Only in theory, not in practice.

♍ Virgo: August 23–September 22

  • Did he tell you to come? No, he did that all by himself.

♎ Libra: September 23–October 23

  • Wait! I think we have that song on Rock Band. Wait! I think we broke the drums on Rock Band. MaaAaAaAAAaaAaps.

♏ Scorpio: October 24–November 21

  • I’ve fucking had it with Frankly Speaking! Posting shit all over the Dining Hall… I could have used that paper to wipe my ass.

♐ Sagittarius: November 22–December 21

  • Team bonding? No no no, team bondage. What’s our PIE budget?

♑ Capricorn: December 22–January 19

  • Feeling overwhelmed? Have you considered quitting FWOP? Quitting Formula? Quitting CORe? Quitting the first year?

♒ Aquarius: January 20–February 18

  • Just so you know, it’s your fault I’m leaving. -Aurelia

♓ Pisces: February 19–March 20

  • Go white boy go! Hot To Go?! H-O-T-T-O-G-O! You can take me hot to go.

Drunk Horoscopes

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♈ Aries: March 21–April 19

  • You will encounter a Man—someone’s boyfriend—in the hallway while wearing nothing but a towel.

♉ Taurus: April 20–May 20

  • You are a swamp creature. They can tell.

♊ Gemini: May 21–June 21

  • USB stick? Used tampon? A crab? Use dryer with caution.

♋ Cancer: June 22–July 22

  • You will not get into your cross-reg. :(

♌ Leo: July 23–August 22

  • Missing Person Alert. Last seen wandering East Hall in a banana suit.

♍ Virgo: August 23–September 22

  • You will snipe Snillary Flinton from the Wellesley bell tower. Pew.

♎ Libra: September 23–October 23

  • Cupcakke is coming. So are we.

♏ Scorpio: October 24–November 21

  • If you lose your passport, check the Plan B bin.

♐ Sagittarius: November 22–December 21

  • You WILL get some dick. I believe in you.

♑ Capricorn: December 22–January 19

  • Drink the Baja Blast whiteboard cleaner. You know you want to.

♒ Aquarius: January 20–February 18

  • Get impeached, dumbass.

♓ Pisces: February 19–March 20

  • You’re doing ISIM week. Have fun.

Drunk Horoscopes (Rhyme Edition)

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♈ Aries: March 21–April 19

  • Take a ride on the Gender Corkscrew. You might end up somewhere new.

♉ Taurus: April 20–May 20

  • My father is a Taurus. He works on planes. A 737 Max goes up in flames.

♊ Gemini: May 21–June 21

  • A balanced dinner of peanut butter cup. It has two food groups: peanut butter and cup.

♋ Cancer: June 22–July 22

  • I am the Lorax. I speak for the trees. Litter again, I’ll break your fucking knees.

♌ Leo: July 23–August 22

  • I’m Big Bud Dean—if it’s in your way, I’ll make your day.

♍ Virgo: August 23–September 22

  • You go and walk into the bathroom. The door wacks the 55-gallon oil drum. (You’re in Massachusetts; those words rhyme.)

♎ Libra: September 23–October 23

  • New! CORe-funded sauna, outside West Hall. Come get hot; come one, come all.

♏ Scorpio: October 24–November 21

  • Throat hurts and all that crap. Not sure whether strep or strap.

♐ Sagittarius: November 22–December 21

  • You do a shop training. You almost die. Metal with great velocity. Goodbye.

♑ Capricorn: December 22–January 19

  • Double the roommates, triple the fun. Double the first-year class, I’m done.

♒ Aquarius: January 20–February 18

  • Your Apple watch will tell you you have tachycardia. What the hell do you rhyme with tachycardia?

♓ Pisces: February 19–March 20

  • Oh boy, oh boy, I can’t feel my teeth. I’m growing underground, I’m going beneath.

Drunk Horoscopes

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♈ Aries: March 21–April 19

  • Beware the Ides of March. Beware the Bridge of Doom. The gauntlet is coming.

♉ Taurus: April 20–May 20

  • You don’t have to be a bitch about it, Beetle.

♊ Gemini: May 21–June 21

  • You will spend 4 hours painting yourself blue. You will find out that’s the wrong Avatar. The candidates will laugh at you. 

♋ Cancer: June 22–July 22

  • Are you a cis white TALL man? Apologize. Consider being an active member of the LGBTQ+ community.

♌ Leo: July 23–August 22

  • Boooooooooooooo.

♍ Virgo: August 23–September 22

  • Don’t get the flu. Do get the flu shot. Do get pot. Don’t get caught. Do-learn. Do-nut?

♎ Libra: September 23–October 23

  • Your friends will torment you with the pregnant man emoji. The miracle of life awaits.

♏ Scorpio: October 24–November 21

  • It’s 2:00 AM. You should go to bed. But the Nord floor calls to you. Pick up.

♐ Sagittarius: November 22–December 21

  • You will discover you signed up for the wrong ESA. It is too late.

♑ Capricorn: December 22–January 19

  • Squawk like a seagull. Caw-caw, caw-caw.

♒ Aquarius: January 20–February 18

  • Womp womp.

♓ Pisces: February 19–March 20

  • You will receive a shamrock shake free with purchase of $15 or more on UberEats. The driver will leave it at the wrong door.

Drunk Horoscopes

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♈ Aries: March 21–April 19

  • Welcome back from Scotland! You should have run when you had the chance.

♉ Taurus: April 20–May 20

  • Whore yappiness??????

♊ Gemini: May 21–June 21

  • You stumble upon a mystery metal. It’s a liquid! Like vodka. Beware, it’s not galium. Your flooring will be replaced.

♋ Cancer: June 22–July 22

  • You will see Renee Rapp. You will question your sexuality.

♌ Leo: July 23–August 22

  • Oops! There is a fire. Run. The cats will cry. The cats are high.

♍ Virgo: August 23–September 22

  • I think gay is the best one. If you’re straight, that’s your own problem.

♎ Libra: September 23–October 23

  • Horoscope incoming! I’m cooking, cooking!!!

♏ Scorpio: October 24–November 21

  • Welcome to 1N! The sink isn’t supposed to do that. I guess beavers cause dams.

♐ Sagittarius: November 22–December 21

  • You will get BITCHES!! You love them sooo much. They are so caring and wonderful and you love having them in your life.

♑ Capricorn: December 22–January 19

  • Your name is Regina George. You are not a massive deal. You have five QEA assignments due.

♒ Aquarius: January 20–February 18

  • You’ll get cozy in the Charlotte airport. You’ll miss your first P&M. Bonding.

♓ Pisces: February 19–March 20

  • You’ve been through ten high schools. They start to get blurry. No point planting roots ‘cause you’re gone in a hurry.

Drunk Horoscopes

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♈ Aries: March 21–April 19

  • You will start a club and make a group chat. It’s Facebook Messenger. You will cry. Your club will cry. Facebook Messenger will cry.

♉ Taurus: April 20–May 20

  • You’ll start vibrating, then you’ll start bouncing, and then you won’t be able to stop. You’ll start doing a kickline. Country roads, take me home.

♊ Gemini: May 21–June 21

  • You wake up. You have one Croc on. Where is the other Croc? It’s not in the Shop, because Crocs are not Shop-safe. (Even if they’re filled with jibbitz.)

♋ Cancer: June 22–July 22

  • Touch some dirt. It doesn’t have to be outside. In fact, maybe grow a tree in your toilet. Remember, the Olin dorm dirt limit is ten gallons.

♌ Leo: July 23–August 22

  • IT’S REUBEN, I KNOW IT IS. IT’S REUBEN!!

♍ Virgo: August 23–September 22

  • You will get a computer virus. You will click on the big green download button. Microsoft says you don’t have one, but you do.

♎ Libra: September 23–October 23

  • You will die slowly, like the grass under the Family Weekend tent. Your parents will come see you. They love the tent. They don’t realize you’re dying.

♏ Scorpio: October 24–November 21

  • Carve a pumpkin in a church. Carve a church in a pumpkin. Steal a pumpkin from a church, no one will stop you. Steal a church from a pumpkin, even.

♐ Sagittarius: November 22–December 21

  • You will get lost in Parcel B this week. You will befriend a bug, though. It might hop. You might hop.

♑ Capricorn: December 22–January 19

  • You will find a mosquito bite on your body. You don’t know where it came from. You didn’t even go outside. Maybe you should go outside.

♒ Aquarius: January 20–February 18

  • You’re probably sober. You can still feel your teeth.

♓ Pisces: February 19–March 20

  • There are so many questions! Where I go? Who I know? Will I be alone on Saturday night???

Drunk Horoscopes

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By the drunk horoscope squad (can we get an extension on our pronouns?)

Aries (March 21-April 20)

Don’t go swimming in the parcel B pond. Who knows what’s in there. I do, but you don’t need to. 

Taurus (April 21 – May 20)

Just because you’re eating dirt doesn’t mean it has to taste bad. Bring some spices. Add some water and make it a soup. Or, add some leaves and make a salad. The opportunities are endless

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

How’s that rattling noise your car’s been making? Turn off the radio, and really listen. It almost sounds like its trying to tell you something. Maybe read the user manual?

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Why did the chicken cross the road? Well to beat the high score on the Crossy Road Leaderboard, of course. There’s a leaderboard in the MAC, and I bet you can’t beat it. But you could try…

Leo (July 23 – Aug 22)

You know that Wizer Training phishing scam? Fun facts from Olin IT, it’s not actually phishing. Its an important 3 minute training to protect yourself from these scams. Or at least that’s what they want you to think. Maybe click the link anyways. It’s getting a bit annoying.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

It’s not too late to change your AHSE concentration. Babson College of Entrepreneurship offers four different classes in sex. That’s more than three. You could do it.  

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

Google your name. You might find someone interesting. A new friend. Reach out to them on Linkedin. But, there can only be one. Challenge them to a fight. Winner takes the 

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 22)

Consider purchasing a life insurance policy. Not now, but like, later. It’ll probably come in handy. Not to you necessarily, but to someone. Or maybe consider it now. You can never be too prepared.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21)

Get a jar of salsa and invite over your 5 closest friends. Also get some tortilla chips. Or a spoon or straw, that works too. Set a timer. Go feral. 

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

The frogs are calling. Will you pick up? They might have an internship offer for you.

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 19)

Have you filled out that reimbursement form? It might take 6 months to a year to get money in your bank account, so you should do that now. Yes, now. Find the receipts and submit the form.

Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 20)

Make sure you wake up at 10:30 am on the dot this Saturday. It’s omelet time. Tell James how much you appreciate him. Surprise him by ordering something new, like an omelet with no eggs. Or don’t. Change is hard and that’s ok.