Tag Archives: frankly-funnies

The comic section of Frankly Speaking.

Spankly Freaking: This Issue’s Rejected Headlines

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From The Spankly Freaking Team…

Once again those turpitudinous “journalists” of the Frankly Speaking Team have worked tirelessly in the repression of true student voices this month… So alas, like Oedipus or Odysseus or whoever the hell the rock pushing dude was, we must take up our perspicacious burden once again to bring you this issue’s rejected headlines.

Dining Hall Fire Uncontrollably Rages Into Meat Freezer, Perfectly Sears Filet Mignon

“Best thing I’ve eaten all month,” says student 

Punxsutawney Phil Just Fucking With Us At This Point

“Oohoohoo, you thought it was Spring? Here’s three inches of snow, now stop waking me up”

You! Yes, You! I Know You Didn’t Go To A SINGLE Faculty Engagement Despite All Those Emails…

Brad Minch is so disappointed… Did you even bother to look at all the emojis he sent?? You disgust me…

Illegal Betting Ring “Guessing Where The Next Hot Water Leak Will Be” Jackpot Now Over $50,000

CORe Funding To Have Meals With Staff Exhausted Immediately As James Is Taken Out To Dinner 57 Times

“I mean, he’s just such a cool dude” said the person ahead of you in the Omelette line

Spreadsheet Spreadsheet Released To Help Organize All The Other Spreadsheets

Furniture Check Fails To Find 2L Couch But Uncovers 3 Chairs, 7 Ping Pong Paddles, 19 Air Hockey Tables, and Kardashev Type III Mouse Civilization

“Godammit, this is why we use hard containers” Says ResLife Team

“Gee I’m So Excited For A Whole ‘Nother Half Of The Semester!” Says First Year Back From Spring Break About To Get Their Shit Rocked

Until next time.  – The Spankly Freaking Team

Drunk Horoscopes

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Aries: March 21 – April 19

Welcome back from break—time for a design review! She ideate on my 100 till I converge to just a few.

Taurus: April 20 – May 20

Would you like a new ECE professor? She 😰 on my 😢 till I 😎 ‘er.

Gemini: May 21 – June 20

Have you figured out where you’re living next year? She nudge on my triple till I volunteer.

Cancer: June 21 – July 22

My hole is infected, better call Pfizer. She burst on my hot water pipe till I geyser.

Leo: July 23 – August 22

6 orgasms, 12 donuts, 18 miles, 24 beers. Change my mind. She run up my dough cos I’m on that grind.

Virgo: August 23 – September 22

Dum – da – dum – didly – diff. She power on my chords till I down a fifth.

Libra: September 23 – October 22

ChatGPT’s got your back for homework, but don’t let it make you lazy or brittle. She feeds me her essay till I fake it a little.

Scorpio: October 23 – November 21

Finishing your concentration? Your Wellesley course is done, she strike on my picket line till I don’t come (to class).

Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21

For the man who runs multiple classes about drugs, that formal email was crazy. She X on my T till I C.

Capricorn: December 22 – January 19

After all these years… Alisha is moving on to bigger and better things, outside this school. Show up to the farewell party if you’re cool.

Aquarius: January 20 – February 18

Only YOU can create a masterpiece that surpasses orgy in the dark. She stack on my can tower till I finish by the 30-second mark.

Pisces: February 19 – March 20

Give in to your gambling addiction, succumb to the rush. She go all-in on my jacks till I flush.

Spankly Freaking: This Issue’s Rejected Headlines

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From The Spankly Freaking Team…

As a new venture for the betterment of transparency and honesty, we have independently put together the headlines of every article that was rejected from this issue of Frankly Speaking. While big Olin media can refuse to publish our stories, they cannot take away our voice…

FWOP’s Show Sadly ‘Cancelled’ All Three Weekends

“It just didn’t work out this time, sorry guys,” said FWOP 

OFAC, ORBITAL, and CORe to meet with OAFA, StAR, and HB in the MAC (PARC), discussing RUOKs, CW, and ACRONYM

“Are you having a stroke?” ask all non-Oliners

ResLife To Implement New Policy: Putting You On Blast Every Time You Get Locked Out

“I’ve had too fucking much with you ungrateful assholes. You think it’s going to end here?? I got access to all-students motherfuckers, I’m going to put alllll your dirty laundry out there!” Said Patrick In A Public Statement

Outlook Calendar Looked At, Forgotten Immediately, Looked at Again

Student Presumed On Study Abroad Found After Deep Clean of West Hall Kitchen

In Shocking Power Grab, Presidential Search Committee Chooses Themselves To Be Collective Next President of Olin College

“Mwuahahaha! You fools! You didn’t think this was even an option!” They told reporters before casting a mysterious spell and disappearing into a cloud of smoke.

New Study Released, Finding That 99.75% of Oliners Have Something Lined Up For This Summer Already

Wait, are YOU the .25%? You don’t have anything?? Damn, you should feel like an imposter or something

President’s Cabinet “Ask Me Anything” Event Derailed By Student Asking ‘Incredibly Personal’ Question

Any further inquiries to the Cabinet about their favorite M&M color will result in an Honor Board

Reasoning “Ehhh I’m sure it’ll be fine”, Formula Collectively Shrugs, Selects a Toddler as Next Lead

With all junior and senior leadership stepping down, James Hartfow, 3, is left as the PM

Dang So Many Great Candidates! I Wish I Had a Way To Remember Em All!

You know, just some way to remember which ones I’ve met and their interests and stuff! Just some way to organize ’em all side by side in some easy-to-use and compact format!

4E and 2N to Enter Talks Over Central Loop Party Jurisdiction

“I will not yield an inch of ground that I believe is rightfully ours,” states Sausage Fest Party Captain. “Fuck you, we have the high ground” responded 4E

“I just don’t feel this relationship is reciprocal, I think we need a break…” Says Babo After You Heartlessly Didn’t Respond To Their 6 Calls, 15 Texts, and 27 Emails About The Guy in Parcel B

Babo Further Cited That “Roger was so sad that you didn’t even THINK to respond ‘Thanks’…”

After Two Months, Dining Hall Plate Left In MAC Stairwell Now Cultivating Richer, Healthier Culture Than Olin

Until next time.  – The Spankly Freaking Team

Review: Forrest Newsletter

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Early this month, I was in the dining hall and I was both surprised and pleased to find a publication called the “Forrest Newsletter” on my dining table. After poring through the well-written and informative newsletter, I was happy to know Olin students have access to publications such as these. Without high-quality, high-impact journalism such as that found in the Forrest Newsletter, I fear Olin will succumb to inferior sources of Forrest-related news and information. I’m glad the hard-hitting and informative articles found in the newsletter are available to the Olin community on a monthly basis. In fact, I wouldn’t say it is a stretch to compare the publishers of the Newsletter to Johannes Gutenberg, at least in terms of revolutionizing the dissemination of important information.

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Education Synergy – A Merger

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On March 18th, while most of you were away, Babson College and Olin College signed an agreement detailing the acquisition of Olin College by Babson College. Under the new arrangement, Olin College’s official name will be the Olin Center for Engineering and Entrepreneurship [1].

Olin has had difficulty paying off the debt it acquired from the construction of an entire school[2]. To mitigate the damage endured by the fund, the full-tuition scholarship has been replaced with a half-tuition scholarship, and spending on post-its has dropped. Funds were so short last year, Olin leased parcel B out to the local delinquents to grow bud. Unfortunately, these efforts have not been enough.

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