Tag Archives: frankly-funnies

The comic section of Frankly Speaking.

Spankly March ’26

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Brave people of Olin, we know you have gone with a drought of truth… That, in such a famine as this, you have been unduly forced to bear the wicked cup of lies to your lips and drink the plebeian humours of “Frankly Speaking,” believing the fictitious and malevolent have won.

“Nay!” we say! Though our voices here at Spankly Freaking have yet once more been silenced these past months (we’ve been too lazy to get something together), we brave through this desert to once again provide the oasis of cool water that will soothe your throat, and quench your thirst for truth and justice. 

Without further ado, here are this month’s rejected headlines…

Half-Finished Great Lawn Igloo Serves As Comforting Reminder To Students That They, Too, Will Never Fully Achieve Their Life Goals

“February is depressing enough, but walking back to the dorms each day and getting to see a clear monument to the plight of those who dream too big really just pounds it in,” said senior shortly before looking out of a dark window, sighing

Miller Academic Center Proposes New Strategic Vision: “Olin As A Slowly Decaying Lab”

Exposé Brilliantly, Fearlessly Exposes Urgent Olin Need: Writing Tutors

“Initially, I was hesitant, but when I saw the unattributed quote immediately backed up with a foggy to unclear call to action, I was knocked off my seat. I thought ‘Wow, now this is well-focused, succinct piece of evidence on why Oliners should have someone who isn’t an engineer proofread’”

Par- I Mean Social Gatherings Are Back!

Students prepare to raucously cram 7 people (Fire Safe Occupancy Limit™) into a room for a whole night of unbridled raving that goes until the 12am quiet hours

Olin Drops To #3 In Best Engineering College For Undergraduates 

Pivoting from impact centered education, Olin focuses on military grade, long-range airstrike engineering to finally beat Rose-Hulman “The Hard Way”

Rare Sighting Of A Junior On Campus Made Feb 12th, 4:34PM

“I thought they had all abandoned us!” cried a First-Year before snapping a blurry photo of the lone Junior not on study abroad wistfully roaming through EH 1NN

All Of These Ten Couches Sitting Unused In The EH 3 And 4 Lounge Are Really Just Asking For Someone To Take Them

I mean, who even leaves eight couches just around when no one is using them? It’s not like the lounge will ever need all the five couches that are left in the space. 

R. May Lee Sits All Olin Family Around The Dinner Table To Assure Them That She Is “Not Mad, Just Disappointed”

Report Finds That That One Person On Your CD Team “Coordinating With The People Group” Is, In Fact, Just Playing Clash Royale 

Even worse, they’re playing a Mega Knight deck

Spankly Freaking: This Issue’s Rejected Headlines

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We Have Access to A New Supercomputer!

 “Great, this’ll make ModSim so much faster,” says first year

Homecoming Is Coming Up! You Should Get A Sign To Ask That Special Person Out!

Specifically a sign from Babson’s campus, or Wellesley if you’re feeling extra romantic

Brandeis Moves To Overthrow Babson As The “B” in BOW

“How are they even going to know?” states Brandeis’ president

Planned Overcommitment Intervention For Sophomore Class Fails As Time Can’t Be Found To Schedule Anything

OFYI Makes “Lunch” Session Mandatory

Attendance will be taken and a written reflection will be required after

Why Does The Unicycle Club Only Meet At Night?

Because they’re never two tired for it

Olin Releases Official Statement to Babsoners: Get Your Hands Off Our Balls

In retrospect, communication in regards to Ball Room access could have been phrased differently

The Freshman Flu Officially Dropped!

For those in the betting pool: reminder that COVID was 1.5:1 odds, Common Cold was 3:1 odds, and Hand Foot Mouth was 20:1. 

Seniors Respond To Claims That “Wow The Weather Has Been So Nice!”

The whole class turned, looked to the east with hardened eyes… “Winter is Coming”

Faculty Eager To Create Challenging New Curriculum Take One Look At Community Chess Board in Library, Scale Back Expectations

“How the hell did the rook even GET over there??” question faculty before accepting that their curriculum plans far overestimate Oliner’s intelligence

Olin’s Biggest Financial Mistake Isn’t What You Think

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I’ve now been at Olin for more than five years. Every month, I get a copy of Frankly Speaking pinned up right by my office door. The first thing I do is to read the headline of the front-page article, mostly because it’s the largest, most eye-catching thing. But the next thing I do is see the phrase written in the upper right hand corner: “Free, as in beer”. 

I have three major problems with this phrase, and because this has annoyed me so much for so long, I’m going to use this very platform to describe each of those in as much detail as one does when wasting time while waiting for some torrents to finish downloading intensive data processing to finish running. (Should’ve written it in C++ instead of Python, but oh well.) 

First: of course it’s free. I’m not expecting the Association of Frankly Speaking Editors, Emeritus to suddenly send me a massive bill for all of the issues that I’ve taken and placed in a pile somewhere on my desk and not cleaned since 2022. At least, I hope not. 

Second: there’s a troubling implication made by this phrase. To understand this, it’s helpful to know where the phrase actually comes from. It’s from the Free Software Foundation, at least as I understand it, but since I’m not going to go through a bunch of their webpages to figure out where the quote comes from, I’ll just tell you that I copied this quote from a Wikipedia article: 

“Free software” means software that respects users’ freedom and community. Roughly, it means that the users have the freedom to run, copy, distribute, study, change and improve the software. Thus, “free software” is a matter of liberty, not price. To understand the concept, you should think of “free” as in “free speech,” not as in “free beer”. We sometimes call it “libre software,” borrowing the French or Spanish word for “free” as in freedom, to show we do not mean the software is gratis. 

The problem with this phrase is that the term “free beer” is contrasted with “free speech”, and between those two, a newspaper that is arguably a bastion of free speech has decided to bill itself (no pun intended) with…the other definition of “free”. Also, does this mean that Frankly Speaking isn’t free as in free speech? 

Third, and finally: beer is most definitely not free. Where the hell are you guys getting your beer?

Spankly Freaking: This Issue’s Rejected Headlines

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From The Spankly Freaking Team…

Once again those turpitudinous “journalists” of the Frankly Speaking Team have worked tirelessly in the repression of true student voices this month… So alas, like Oedipus or Odysseus or whoever the hell the rock pushing dude was, we must take up our perspicacious burden once again to bring you this issue’s rejected headlines.

Dining Hall Fire Uncontrollably Rages Into Meat Freezer, Perfectly Sears Filet Mignon

“Best thing I’ve eaten all month,” says student 

Punxsutawney Phil Just Fucking With Us At This Point

“Oohoohoo, you thought it was Spring? Here’s three inches of snow, now stop waking me up”

You! Yes, You! I Know You Didn’t Go To A SINGLE Faculty Engagement Despite All Those Emails…

Brad Minch is so disappointed… Did you even bother to look at all the emojis he sent?? You disgust me…

Illegal Betting Ring “Guessing Where The Next Hot Water Leak Will Be” Jackpot Now Over $50,000

CORe Funding To Have Meals With Staff Exhausted Immediately As James Is Taken Out To Dinner 57 Times

“I mean, he’s just such a cool dude” said the person ahead of you in the Omelette line

Spreadsheet Spreadsheet Released To Help Organize All The Other Spreadsheets

Furniture Check Fails To Find 2L Couch But Uncovers 3 Chairs, 7 Ping Pong Paddles, 19 Air Hockey Tables, and Kardashev Type III Mouse Civilization

“Godammit, this is why we use hard containers” Says ResLife Team

“Gee I’m So Excited For A Whole ‘Nother Half Of The Semester!” Says First Year Back From Spring Break About To Get Their Shit Rocked

Until next time.  – The Spankly Freaking Team

Drunk Horoscopes

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Aries: March 21 – April 19

Welcome back from break—time for a design review! She ideate on my 100 till I converge to just a few.

Taurus: April 20 – May 20

Would you like a new ECE professor? She 😰 on my 😢 till I 😎 ‘er.

Gemini: May 21 – June 20

Have you figured out where you’re living next year? She nudge on my triple till I volunteer.

Cancer: June 21 – July 22

My hole is infected, better call Pfizer. She burst on my hot water pipe till I geyser.

Leo: July 23 – August 22

6 orgasms, 12 donuts, 18 miles, 24 beers. Change my mind. She run up my dough cos I’m on that grind.

Virgo: August 23 – September 22

Dum – da – dum – didly – diff. She power on my chords till I down a fifth.

Libra: September 23 – October 22

ChatGPT’s got your back for homework, but don’t let it make you lazy or brittle. She feeds me her essay till I fake it a little.

Scorpio: October 23 – November 21

Finishing your concentration? Your Wellesley course is done, she strike on my picket line till I don’t come (to class).

Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21

For the man who runs multiple classes about drugs, that formal email was crazy. She X on my T till I C.

Capricorn: December 22 – January 19

After all these years… Alisha is moving on to bigger and better things, outside this school. Show up to the farewell party if you’re cool.

Aquarius: January 20 – February 18

Only YOU can create a masterpiece that surpasses orgy in the dark. She stack on my can tower till I finish by the 30-second mark.

Pisces: February 19 – March 20

Give in to your gambling addiction, succumb to the rush. She go all-in on my jacks till I flush.

Spankly Freaking: This Issue’s Rejected Headlines

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From The Spankly Freaking Team…

As a new venture for the betterment of transparency and honesty, we have independently put together the headlines of every article that was rejected from this issue of Frankly Speaking. While big Olin media can refuse to publish our stories, they cannot take away our voice…

FWOP’s Show Sadly ‘Cancelled’ All Three Weekends

“It just didn’t work out this time, sorry guys,” said FWOP 

OFAC, ORBITAL, and CORe to meet with OAFA, StAR, and HB in the MAC (PARC), discussing RUOKs, CW, and ACRONYM

“Are you having a stroke?” ask all non-Oliners

ResLife To Implement New Policy: Putting You On Blast Every Time You Get Locked Out

“I’ve had too fucking much with you ungrateful assholes. You think it’s going to end here?? I got access to all-students motherfuckers, I’m going to put alllll your dirty laundry out there!” Said Patrick In A Public Statement

Outlook Calendar Looked At, Forgotten Immediately, Looked at Again

Student Presumed On Study Abroad Found After Deep Clean of West Hall Kitchen

In Shocking Power Grab, Presidential Search Committee Chooses Themselves To Be Collective Next President of Olin College

“Mwuahahaha! You fools! You didn’t think this was even an option!” They told reporters before casting a mysterious spell and disappearing into a cloud of smoke.

New Study Released, Finding That 99.75% of Oliners Have Something Lined Up For This Summer Already

Wait, are YOU the .25%? You don’t have anything?? Damn, you should feel like an imposter or something

President’s Cabinet “Ask Me Anything” Event Derailed By Student Asking ‘Incredibly Personal’ Question

Any further inquiries to the Cabinet about their favorite M&M color will result in an Honor Board

Reasoning “Ehhh I’m sure it’ll be fine”, Formula Collectively Shrugs, Selects a Toddler as Next Lead

With all junior and senior leadership stepping down, James Hartfow, 3, is left as the PM

Dang So Many Great Candidates! I Wish I Had a Way To Remember Em All!

You know, just some way to remember which ones I’ve met and their interests and stuff! Just some way to organize ’em all side by side in some easy-to-use and compact format!

4E and 2N to Enter Talks Over Central Loop Party Jurisdiction

“I will not yield an inch of ground that I believe is rightfully ours,” states Sausage Fest Party Captain. “Fuck you, we have the high ground” responded 4E

“I just don’t feel this relationship is reciprocal, I think we need a break…” Says Babo After You Heartlessly Didn’t Respond To Their 6 Calls, 15 Texts, and 27 Emails About The Guy in Parcel B

Babo Further Cited That “Roger was so sad that you didn’t even THINK to respond ‘Thanks’…”

After Two Months, Dining Hall Plate Left In MAC Stairwell Now Cultivating Richer, Healthier Culture Than Olin

Until next time.  – The Spankly Freaking Team

Review: Forrest Newsletter

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Early this month, I was in the dining hall and I was both surprised and pleased to find a publication called the “Forrest Newsletter” on my dining table. After poring through the well-written and informative newsletter, I was happy to know Olin students have access to publications such as these. Without high-quality, high-impact journalism such as that found in the Forrest Newsletter, I fear Olin will succumb to inferior sources of Forrest-related news and information. I’m glad the hard-hitting and informative articles found in the newsletter are available to the Olin community on a monthly basis. In fact, I wouldn’t say it is a stretch to compare the publishers of the Newsletter to Johannes Gutenberg, at least in terms of revolutionizing the dissemination of important information.

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