From The Spankly Freaking Team…

Once again those turpitudinous “journalists” of the Frankly Speaking Team have worked tirelessly in the repression of true student voices this month… So alas, like Oedipus or Odysseus or whoever the hell the rock pushing dude was, we must take up our perspicacious burden once again to bring you this issue’s rejected headlines.

Dining Hall Fire Uncontrollably Rages Into Meat Freezer, Perfectly Sears Filet Mignon

“Best thing I’ve eaten all month,” says student 

Punxsutawney Phil Just Fucking With Us At This Point

“Oohoohoo, you thought it was Spring? Here’s three inches of snow, now stop waking me up”

You! Yes, You! I Know You Didn’t Go To A SINGLE Faculty Engagement Despite All Those Emails…

Brad Minch is so disappointed… Did you even bother to look at all the emojis he sent?? You disgust me…

Illegal Betting Ring “Guessing Where The Next Hot Water Leak Will Be” Jackpot Now Over $50,000

CORe Funding To Have Meals With Staff Exhausted Immediately As James Is Taken Out To Dinner 57 Times

“I mean, he’s just such a cool dude” said the person ahead of you in the Omelette line

Spreadsheet Spreadsheet Released To Help Organize All The Other Spreadsheets

Furniture Check Fails To Find 2L Couch But Uncovers 3 Chairs, 7 Ping Pong Paddles, 19 Air Hockey Tables, and Kardashev Type III Mouse Civilization

“Godammit, this is why we use hard containers” Says ResLife Team

“Gee I’m So Excited For A Whole ‘Nother Half Of The Semester!” Says First Year Back From Spring Break About To Get Their Shit Rocked

Until next time.  – The Spankly Freaking Team