Horoscopes by Drunk Editors

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): You should probably re-measure that thing.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): Today is going to be the worst. Maybe you should get a new hat.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): If a Candidate comes up to you with questions, make sure that they know Olin Dining doesn’t have grapefruit spoons.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): You know what you did, and so does the universe. You’re awesome.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Give up hope on that. No more partying for you.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Do you smell that across the hall?

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): Paint the town red. Crash a party.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): You rule. Go look for pizza.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Run! Hide!

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Don’t forget your towel.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Things may be unclear today. Bring an umbrella.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Today will be almost perfect… for everyone else!