♈ Aries: March 21–April 19
- Welcome back from Scotland! You should have run when you had the chance.
♉ Taurus: April 20–May 20
- Whore yappiness??????
♊ Gemini: May 21–June 21
- You stumble upon a mystery metal. It’s a liquid! Like vodka. Beware, it’s not galium. Your flooring will be replaced.
♋ Cancer: June 22–July 22
- You will see Renee Rapp. You will question your sexuality.
♌ Leo: July 23–August 22
- Oops! There is a fire. Run. The cats will cry. The cats are high.
♍ Virgo: August 23–September 22
- I think gay is the best one. If you’re straight, that’s your own problem.
♎ Libra: September 23–October 23
- Horoscope incoming! I’m cooking, cooking!!!
♏ Scorpio: October 24–November 21
- Welcome to 1N! The sink isn’t supposed to do that. I guess beavers cause dams.
♐ Sagittarius: November 22–December 21
- You will get BITCHES!! You love them sooo much. They are so caring and wonderful and you love having them in your life.
♑ Capricorn: December 22–January 19
- Your name is Regina George. You are not a massive deal. You have five QEA assignments due.
♒ Aquarius: January 20–February 18
- You’ll get cozy in the Charlotte airport. You’ll miss your first P&M. Bonding.
♓ Pisces: February 19–March 20
- You’ve been through ten high schools. They start to get blurry. No point planting roots ‘cause you’re gone in a hurry.
