Location: Menlo Park, CA
Our company is revolutionizing the world of communication. We bring billions of people closer together on a daily basis, and we think this is a good idea because we haven’t really thought about this and have no plans to start doing so. Also, our founders grew up in white upper-middle-class suburban neighborhoods and have no concept of what “revolution” actually means.
We are looking for a rockstar-guru-ninja-genius-wizard-10x-coder to join our team of rule-breakers who are changing the world through distributed hyper-automated peer-to-peer machine-learning-powered SaaS platforms.
- We work in a highly collaborative, team-based environment! Wow, “we” has a ring to it! Maybe we should have a new motto? Something like “Made by We”.
- We are truly committed to our mission of using disruptive and groundbreaking* technology to democratize communication. This is something that we say so that we don’t feel too bad about destroying actual democracies.
- Bachelor’s degree or equivalent coding bootcamp experience. We like to point to coding bootcamp graduates as examples that upward mobility really does exist!
- Excited to find life-fulfilling work in optimizing ad delivery on mobile platforms
- Below the age of 30, because young people are just smarter™
Nice to have
- Proof of white men in tech worship—Bezos bobblehead preferred
- No experience working in retail or manual labor, but willing to criticize gig economy workers who want to unionize for not working hard enough
- Medium post explaining that homeless San Franciscans just have the wrong mindset
- Working with some of the smartest people in the world, who definitely should be working on a website that turns middle-aged men into QAnon fanatics instead of developing solutions to the climate crisis or advocating for human rights
- Making the world a better place while conveniently earning $200,000 a year
- Contributing to rapid gentrification of neighboring communities by being able to pay 2x the asking price on a home with your tech salary
- Coworkers who write memos explaining why women and minorities are unqualified to be working at our company
- Regular New York Times exposés of company leadership’s poor handling of sexual harassment cases
*But not literally groundbreaking! We’re not at all like the bad guys in the oil-and-gas industry, who pay their workers lots of money to help them forget they’re ruining the world. Not at all like them.