Author Archives: Frankly Speaking

Notice re: Volume 17, Issue 1

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In response to the October article, “I Have Fucking Had It With This College’s Leadership”, the Frankly Speaking team acknowledges that the publication of this article breached our submission guidelines. We have amended the submission guidelines with regards to how articles are deemed suitable for submission, as well as how authors reserve the right to anonymity. 

These changes include:

  • Changing the language around “unpopular opinions” disqualifying someone from anonymity
  • Changing the language regarding “potential negative impact on the community” preventing an article from being published
  • Changing the language around anonymity

The updated submission guidelines can be found on our website at https://franklyspeakingnews.com/submit/.

Nov. Drunk Horoscopes

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♈ Aries: March 21–April 19

  • Horoscope? More like whore of scope?! More like whore…O-scope?!!! Return them please?!!!!!!!! MY WHORES?!

♉ Taurus: April 20–May 20

  • Taurus? More like. Clitaurus. Wait, where’d it go?! The asteroid made them go extinct.

♊ Gemini: May 21–June 21

  • Have you shown up to DesNat recently? Kate has probably been more than you have.

♋ Cancer: June 22–July 22

  • They’re inverting the dogs! They’re transposing the cats! That’s Kamambla’s eigenvector!

♌ Leo: July 23–August 22

  • Is Charmander bicurious? Only in theory, not in practice.

♍ Virgo: August 23–September 22

  • Did he tell you to come? No, he did that all by himself.

♎ Libra: September 23–October 23

  • Wait! I think we have that song on Rock Band. Wait! I think we broke the drums on Rock Band. MaaAaAaAAAaaAaps.

♏ Scorpio: October 24–November 21

  • I’ve fucking had it with Frankly Speaking! Posting shit all over the Dining Hall… I could have used that paper to wipe my ass.

♐ Sagittarius: November 22–December 21

  • Team bonding? No no no, team bondage. What’s our PIE budget?

♑ Capricorn: December 22–January 19

  • Feeling overwhelmed? Have you considered quitting FWOP? Quitting Formula? Quitting CORe? Quitting the first year?

♒ Aquarius: January 20–February 18

  • Just so you know, it’s your fault I’m leaving. -Aurelia

♓ Pisces: February 19–March 20

  • Go white boy go! Hot To Go?! H-O-T-T-O-G-O! You can take me hot to go.

May Drunk Horoscopes

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♈ Aries: March 21–April 19

  • You will encounter a Man—someone’s boyfriend—in the hallway while wearing nothing but a towel.

♉ Taurus: April 20–May 20

  • You are a swamp creature. They can tell.

♊ Gemini: May 21–June 21

  • USB stick? Used tampon? A crab? Use dryer with caution.

♋ Cancer: June 22–July 22

  • You will not get into your cross-reg. :(

♌ Leo: July 23–August 22

  • Missing Person Alert. Last seen wandering East Hall in a banana suit.

♍ Virgo: August 23–September 22

  • You will snipe Snillary Flinton from the Wellesley bell tower. Pew.

♎ Libra: September 23–October 23

  • Cupcakke is coming. So are we.

♏ Scorpio: October 24–November 21

  • If you lose your passport, check the Plan B bin.

♐ Sagittarius: November 22–December 21

  • You WILL get some dick. I believe in you.

♑ Capricorn: December 22–January 19

  • Drink the Baja Blast whiteboard cleaner. You know you want to.

♒ Aquarius: January 20–February 18

  • Get impeached, dumbass.

♓ Pisces: February 19–March 20

  • You’re doing ISIM week. Have fun.

Drunk Horoscopes (Rhyme Edition)

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♈ Aries: March 21–April 19

  • Take a ride on the Gender Corkscrew. You might end up somewhere new.

♉ Taurus: April 20–May 20

  • My father is a Taurus. He works on planes. A 737 Max goes up in flames.

♊ Gemini: May 21–June 21

  • A balanced dinner of peanut butter cup. It has two food groups: peanut butter and cup.

♋ Cancer: June 22–July 22

  • I am the Lorax. I speak for the trees. Litter again, I’ll break your fucking knees.

♌ Leo: July 23–August 22

  • I’m Big Bud Dean—if it’s in your way, I’ll make your day.

♍ Virgo: August 23–September 22

  • You go and walk into the bathroom. The door wacks the 55-gallon oil drum. (You’re in Massachusetts; those words rhyme.)

♎ Libra: September 23–October 23

  • New! CORe-funded sauna, outside West Hall. Come get hot; come one, come all.

♏ Scorpio: October 24–November 21

  • Throat hurts and all that crap. Not sure whether strep or strap.

♐ Sagittarius: November 22–December 21

  • You do a shop training. You almost die. Metal with great velocity. Goodbye.

♑ Capricorn: December 22–January 19

  • Double the roommates, triple the fun. Double the first-year class, I’m done.

♒ Aquarius: January 20–February 18

  • Your Apple watch will tell you you have tachycardia. What the hell do you rhyme with tachycardia?

♓ Pisces: February 19–March 20

  • Oh boy, oh boy, I can’t feel my teeth. I’m growing underground, I’m going beneath.

Horóscopos Ebrios

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♈ Aries: Lánzate a la giratoria de género. Terminarás quien sabe donde.

♉ Tauro: Mi padre es Tauro. Trabaja con aviones. Un 737 Max prende fuego.

♊ Géminis: Una cena bien sana (cacahuete chocolateado de Reeses). Con dos grupos de alimentos: cacahuete chocolateado y… ¿taza? No, eso no puede ser.

♋ Cáncer: Soy el Lorax, el guardián de los árboles. Deja porquería por ahí una vez más y te romperé las rodillas.

♌ Leo: Soy el gran Bud Dean, si cruzas mi caminito te chuparé el penito.

♍ Virgo: Entraste al baño, la puerta golpeó el bidón con 55 galones de aceite. (Estás en Olin; te encontraron los Italianos)

♎ Libra: ¡Novedad! Sauna financiada por CORe, al lado de West Hall. Ven a calentarte, ¡bienvenidos todos!

♏ Escorpio: Te duele el culo (ay ay ay). No estas seguro si es diarrea o correa.

♐ Sagitario: Te entrenas en una de las máquinas en el taller, casi mueres. Metal yendo a gran velocidad. A la verga.

♑ Capricornio: Duplica a los compañeros de habitación, triplica la diversión. Duplica la clase de primer año, ya no puedo más.

♒ Acuario: Tu reloj Apple te dirá que tienes taquicardia. ¿Qué demonios rima con taquicardia?

♓ Piscis: Que chastre, mis dientes se van al carajo. Estoy creciendo bajo tierra, estoy yendo pa’bajo.

March Drunk Horoscopes

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♈ Aries: March 21–April 19

  • Beware the Ides of March. Beware the Bridge of Doom. The gauntlet is coming.

♉ Taurus: April 20–May 20

  • You don’t have to be a bitch about it, Beetle.

♊ Gemini: May 21–June 21

  • You will spend 4 hours painting yourself blue. You will find out that’s the wrong Avatar. The candidates will laugh at you. 

♋ Cancer: June 22–July 22

  • Are you a cis white TALL man? Apologize. Consider being an active member of the LGBTQ+ community.

♌ Leo: July 23–August 22

  • Boooooooooooooo.

♍ Virgo: August 23–September 22

  • Don’t get the flu. Do get the flu shot. Do get pot. Don’t get caught. Do-learn. Do-nut?

♎ Libra: September 23–October 23

  • Your friends will torment you with the pregnant man emoji. The miracle of life awaits.

♏ Scorpio: October 24–November 21

  • It’s 2:00 AM. You should go to bed. But the Nord floor calls to you. Pick up.

♐ Sagittarius: November 22–December 21

  • You will discover you signed up for the wrong ESA. It is too late.

♑ Capricorn: December 22–January 19

  • Squawk like a seagull. Caw-caw, caw-caw.

♒ Aquarius: January 20–February 18

  • Womp womp.

♓ Pisces: February 19–March 20

  • You will receive a shamrock shake free with purchase of $15 or more on UberEats. The driver will leave it at the wrong door.

February Drunk Horoscopes

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♈ Aries: March 21–April 19

  • Welcome back from Scotland! You should have run when you had the chance.

♉ Taurus: April 20–May 20

  • Whore yappiness??????

♊ Gemini: May 21–June 21

  • You stumble upon a mystery metal. It’s a liquid! Like vodka. Beware, it’s not galium. Your flooring will be replaced.

♋ Cancer: June 22–July 22

  • You will see Renee Rapp. You will question your sexuality.

♌ Leo: July 23–August 22

  • Oops! There is a fire. Run. The cats will cry. The cats are high.

♍ Virgo: August 23–September 22

  • I think gay is the best one. If you’re straight, that’s your own problem.

♎ Libra: September 23–October 23

  • Horoscope incoming! I’m cooking, cooking!!!

♏ Scorpio: October 24–November 21

  • Welcome to 1N! The sink isn’t supposed to do that. I guess beavers cause dams.

♐ Sagittarius: November 22–December 21

  • You will get BITCHES!! You love them sooo much. They are so caring and wonderful and you love having them in your life.

♑ Capricorn: December 22–January 19

  • Your name is Regina George. You are not a massive deal. You have five QEA assignments due.

♒ Aquarius: January 20–February 18

  • You’ll get cozy in the Charlotte airport. You’ll miss your first P&M. Bonding.

♓ Pisces: February 19–March 20

  • You’ve been through ten high schools. They start to get blurry. No point planting roots ‘cause you’re gone in a hurry.

Drunk Horoscopes

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♈ Aries: March 21–April 19

  • You will start a club and make a group chat. It’s Facebook Messenger. You will cry. Your club will cry. Facebook Messenger will cry.

♉ Taurus: April 20–May 20

  • You’ll start vibrating, then you’ll start bouncing, and then you won’t be able to stop. You’ll start doing a kickline. Country roads, take me home.

♊ Gemini: May 21–June 21

  • You wake up. You have one Croc on. Where is the other Croc? It’s not in the Shop, because Crocs are not Shop-safe. (Even if they’re filled with jibbitz.)

♋ Cancer: June 22–July 22

  • Touch some dirt. It doesn’t have to be outside. In fact, maybe grow a tree in your toilet. Remember, the Olin dorm dirt limit is ten gallons.

♌ Leo: July 23–August 22

  • IT’S REUBEN, I KNOW IT IS. IT’S REUBEN!!

♍ Virgo: August 23–September 22

  • You will get a computer virus. You will click on the big green download button. Microsoft says you don’t have one, but you do.

♎ Libra: September 23–October 23

  • You will die slowly, like the grass under the Family Weekend tent. Your parents will come see you. They love the tent. They don’t realize you’re dying.

♏ Scorpio: October 24–November 21

  • Carve a pumpkin in a church. Carve a church in a pumpkin. Steal a pumpkin from a church, no one will stop you. Steal a church from a pumpkin, even.

♐ Sagittarius: November 22–December 21

  • You will get lost in Parcel B this week. You will befriend a bug, though. It might hop. You might hop.

♑ Capricorn: December 22–January 19

  • You will find a mosquito bite on your body. You don’t know where it came from. You didn’t even go outside. Maybe you should go outside.

♒ Aquarius: January 20–February 18

  • You’re probably sober. You can still feel your teeth.

♓ Pisces: February 19–March 20

  • There are so many questions! Where I go? Who I know? Will I be alone on Saturday night???