Horoscopes by your drunk editors
Aries (March 21-April 19): The Dining Hall is a figment of your imagination.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Beware of hats.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): Do it. You’ll probably regret it later. Do it anyway.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): Feel the energy in the air around you. Breathe those auras deep.
Aries (March 21-April 19): The cosmic plane has a kind of weird stain in your corner. Review your notes, and check your math. This is your stupid month. Especially for dating. Just don’t do it. You’ll only fuck it up. Take time for yourself. As in, you’re single for a reason.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): Authorities may need persuasion, so articulate the benefits of your point of view. You might need to get persuasive, if you know what I mean. Provide excellent service with the finest ingredients. Additionally. Prepare for later lunch, because of that class that always runs late.