CAPITALISM: The Real Enemy

How many times have you looked at a paragraph, or a title, or a proper noun, and thought, “Yeah, that looks fine”? How many times have you passively accepted the way Microsoft Word automatically capitalises the first letter of a sentence or the way phones automatically hit shift for you when you enter a text field? These injustices permeate our lives, and yet we don’t even question them. That’s because we’ve been brainwashed. By capitalists.

When we learned to read, were told that there were twenty-six letters and that each had an important role to play (well, except “q”, and “x”; those are objectively worthless). Yet it has always been a fact of life that while all letters are created equal, some letters are more equal than others.

There’s a war going on under our pens, anglophones, and it’s time to stop turning a blind eye and do something about it! This reign of terror and alphabetical abuse has gone too far, and it’s time to take up the struggle of the epistolary rights of the oppressed! It’s time we started talking about the subjugation by the wealthy uppercase of the poor lowercase. Or as I call them, the caps and the caps-nots.

Once upon a time, caps and caps-nots lived in equative utopia. Then, everything changed when the Deep State arrived.

Those in charge of the Roman, and later British and American, Empires knew that they could never trust the citizenry to subjugate themselves quietly and peacefully; they knew that they needed to find a way to convince us that inequality was a natural way of life and that we deserved to be so mercilessly stunted. And what better way to invade our minds than through our language?

This conspiracy has surely been going on since the beginning of time when America was first created. They employed coercion, subliminal messaging, and style guides to embed their evil philosophy into our words. The caps always lead. The caps hold the place of honour in the most important words.

And the rest, the majority, the caps-nots, are left to follow blindly. To finish the words that the caps started. Why else would they force us to learn cursive in elementary school? Force us to read terms and conditions in all caps? For what other reason would the name of the United States of America itself be capitalised?

The time for action is now, and the path forward is clear. Activist-revolutionaries have crafted a new, more equative form of writing. A form devoid of all filthy capitalism and lowercaseism. This is the one true form. This is middle case. Every letter is exactly the same, and no one can tell us otherwise. Down with capitalism! Up with the proloweriate! The upper class can ignore us no longer!

You hear that, Reptilluminati‽ We’ve seen through yer deception, and we have had enough! Are you scared, Xorn? You should be. Because I’m coming for you.

Writers of the world, unite!

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