Aries – Never forget to love Feet or kick yourself. xoxo. Your podiatrist is waiting on your call. xoxo. He will purr loudly. xoxo. Keep your paws clean. xoxo. Do not be afraid. xoxo. 🐈
Taurus – Cheetos won’t live forever. But you will live as long as the balance between church and state remains stable. *awkward!* You’re definitely mortal. Keep an eye out for the slippery fish in your life.
Gemini – He (domestic) squeezes with force until there’s no muffins left. Add flour until thiccc. Stir in chocolate to desired chalk. Serve hot with milk and LOVE!!! <3
Cancer – Wipe your shower with your desires. Cleaning spray is not the same. Squeegee the negative energy out of your life. Charge your soap in the moonlight.
Leo – Stay alive with all tables and children upright tonight. Take a left turn, and then a right one. Arrive at Hogwarts. What’s the secret house? We’ll let you decide. Text us your thoughts (LEOs ONLY: TBD)
Virgo – Begin with your vegan chives you pretentious little b****. I love you. Call me back. Dog is mad. Did not like your chives. Get basil. EAT FAST IT”S TIME TO GO
Libra – Think hard. Submerge yourself in the words of your elders. Take a trip. Lying won’t help you, boo. Crying will. Reject her. Sorry it didn’t work out. Better luck next time. I love your smile.
Scorpio – Keep your dreams hidden from me. Share your startup ideas with the person to your left (yes, that one!). The doctor watches from Olin’s clock tower. Be strong.
Sagittarius – Sit down and relax your beans on the iron. Then be quiet. < laughing crying emoji > You’re being too quiet. Say something. Are you mad at me? Please just tell me what’s wrong. Your beans are burning–
Capricorn – Solution and mind will survive the century. Will you? We hope so. Sit on/at top of the 3rd table in the dining hall. You got this. Mortality relies on simple arithmetic. 2 + 2 = 2 2 tango. Have fun! If you can.
Aquarius – Be brave in long banana boats. The water can’t touch you if you don’t let it. The floor is lava. Oooh! Ouch! You’re burning! Burning hot, that is. Call me! Did you get your flu shot?
Pisces – Grow them until they’re flourishing and then cut ties. Use child-safe scissors. Safety first, when applicable. You will become huge on MySpace. Hey! That’s my space! Scoundrel!