Horoscopes from a Sober Contributor

I would usually use this section to describe upcoming astrological events and try to provide some insight regarding what the future might hold. I genuinely believe that astrology is the best tool we have by which to make sense of the present and meaningfully consider the future, and I think it’s at its most useful in times of deep uncertainty where other, less scrutinized models seem to fail. Regardless, the nature of current events made doing a standard analysis of the cosmos and reporting out accordingly in a public setting feel out of touch at best. Hopefully, I will soon return to writing rigorous, scientific horoscopes. I’m too much of a coward to do that right now.

If you must know, the sun is currently in Aries, and it will enter Taurus on April 20th. There will be a full moon in Libra on April 7th (it’ll be a supermoon!) and a new moon in Taurus on April 22nd. Pluto will enter retrograde on April 25th in Capricorn. I’ll admit I’m pretty nervous about the Pluto retrograde, but other than feel free to interpret this information as you’d like and feel free to contact me if you’d like to talk about astrology and interpretations. 

In the meantime, here are some less scientifically-determined food-related suggestions I would recommend for each sign to enjoy if they can acquire them in a safe way.

Pisces (Feb. 19–Mar. 20): If you can get to a store that sells fun novelty items, find whatever seems the most wack and exciting, purchase it, and consume it. 

Aries (Mar. 21–Apr. 19): There’s nothing wrong with adding more hot sauce to your daily diet.

Taurus (Apr. 20–May 20): Recreate the Olin Dining Hall experience and make a smoothie using whatever you can find wherever you are staying. No blender? Get creative!

Gemini (May 21–June 21): Usually supporting local businesses means getting takeout from a small place in your neighborhood, but it’s also okay to patronize a fast food chain if you’re looking for something specific. 

Cancer (June 22–July 22):  Canadian factories are working through the night to keep kraft mac and cheese on store shelves. You might as well go enjoy some dorm-room comfort food.  

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22): Spending hours carefully preparing overdressed breakfast foods so that you can photograph them is certainly allowed, 

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22): Consider freezing milk, as a treat. Or freezing literally anything else.

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 23): It’s okay to eat that microwave popcorn that you tossed in your backpack while trying to clean out your room a few weeks ago. Maybe put some pepper or olive oil or something on it though. 

Scorpio (Oct. 24–Nov. 21): Have you tried these protein powder recipes yet?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): Looking for an adventure? Pour some black beans, cheese, lettuce, salsa, and other taco fixings into a bag of chips and you’ll get walking tacos, a midwest classic (apparently). 

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19): You’re probably trying to stay healthy – consider making some nice vegan carrot hot dogs to spice things up!

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18): Get something caffeine! Whether it’s instant coffee or those chocolate covered espresso beans, do what you need to do.

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