Trigger warning: suicidal ideation  

When I came to Olin, I found a community that supported me in ways I had never been able to find before. For the first time, I felt that most of my peers, faculty, and staff saw me as a whole person and genuinely cared about my wellbeing. However, it has become clear to me that here, unlike at other schools I’ve attended, everyone is sick. Many students I’ve talked to have struggled with their mental health and school related issues like I have. Olin’s productivity and overachievement culture often means we often feel pressured to sacrifice healthy priorities and lifestyle, which makes it harder for us to make healthy choices as individuals. 

I felt the pressure to succeed since before I can remember. I’ve continuously been fed the idea that self-worth and quality of future are measured by academic achievement, fancy jobs, and sheer productivity. I wasn’t allowed to relax or have fun until I finished all of my homework. I felt guilty for enjoying myself when there was work I could be doing. 

I found writing particularly difficult, but no one believed me. No matter how much I cried and said I couldn’t do it, I was told that if I didn’t do all of my homework perfectly and on time, then I would never get good grades, would never get into a good college, would never get a good job, and would forever be broke and miserable.  

Because of the grueling writing assignments, the lack of support, and loneliness, I hated school. Since school was my whole life, I hated being alive. I didn’t understand that it wasn’t normal to want to die every day. I thought everyone did, that’s what it sounded like from others.   

I didn’t think I should be struggling or need help. I had a nice family, a nice house, a nice school; nothing “bad” had really happened to me. It didn’t seem like I had any valid reasons to be depressed.

Things continued to get worse throughout middle and high school, compounding with struggles I was navigating in other parts of my life. I contemplated every day if I could keep living. I wanted that happy life with a dream job, but it felt impossible for me to get there. Life was too painful and I couldn’t stand it anymore. I didn’t know if I would be strong enough to keep going. I felt like I could break at any moment and I would be gone. I questioned if it was even worth it to keep chasing my dreams. 

It was always frustrating to hear “it gets better” when I never had any proof. It wasn’t getting better. There wasn’t a clear way for it to get better. I’d never seen anyone else get better. I didn’t believe I would ever get better. 

No matter how miserable I was, maintaining good grades was still my top priority. I put everything I had into schoolwork, making myself more exhausted and depressed every day. I kept pushing to finish my homework, even though it was killing me. I knew I wasn’t ok, but I didn’t know how I could change. I was told I would get even more depressed and anxious if I got behind. There was never a good time for me to take time for myself. It got to the point where I was so depleted that I couldn’t process basic math. My future as an engineer felt completely hopeless. I finally realized that if I didn’t step back and take care of myself, then I couldn’t get good grades, get into my dream college, or do whatever comes after. That wonderful life I was working towards would never exist if I were dead.  

I left school and admitted myself to partial hospitalization. The program was a dumpster fire, but I eventually got what I needed to get better. Fast-forward a few years and I’m now going to my top choice college, on track to achieve those dreams I had always been chasing. I remember the first time I went a whole day without thinking I wanted to die. It was incredible. I enjoy my life now and genuinely like being alive. I didn’t know that was even possible. I am proud of how much I have overcome and am stronger than I ever thought I could be. I have so much to live for. Every day I am reminded how grateful I am to still be here. 

I don’t know just how many people here are hurting like I was, but I believe it’s a lot. I see parts of my old self in everyone around me. 

I’m concerned about how normal it is to be miserable here. I’m disappointed by how often I hear people talk about depression or wanting to kill themselves like it doesn’t mean anything. I hear it at dinner, office hours, or just walking through the halls. This environment makes it feel like severe mental illness and suicidal ideation is not the serious problem that it is. It sends the message that it doesn’t matter if someone is really struggling. It makes it hard to tell when people are in immediate danger when suicidal comments are so common.  

It hurts me when people say they want to kill themselves, even as a “joke”. I have flashbacks to the pain I was in during the darkest period of my life. It makes me feel alone here, or like people wouldn’t care if I hadn’t made it here. The words and questions swirl around in my head, and I get scared of going back to that dark place. It certainly does not create a space where I can learn and grow, which is what I hoped for at Olin. 

I’ve tried bringing up this pattern of students saying they want to kill themselves to StAR, but have not gotten much of a response. Many of the staff seemed more concerned about the comments being inappropriate than about student wellbeing. Some suggested I should call people out directly, which I think misses the point entirely. An unhealthy culture around mental health and suicide can’t be changed by simply avoiding certain kinds of jokes.

I wish I had specific mental health resources I would recommend at Olin, but they are really lacking currently. I’ve had a difficult time getting connected to adequate care, despite reaching out to multiple people. In my experience, most of these resources have been superficial or just crisis response with little in-between. I’ve heard promises of improvement but haven’t seen much yet. I’m hopeful new staff will build these programs effectively. 

I want to send the message that everyone here matters. You are an important, unique person that deserves care, support, and to live a full, happy, healthy life. Your wellbeing is more important than any schoolwork; it’s more important than homework assignments, deadlines, grades, credit hours, project teams, or internship applications. Take the time to enjoy yourself. No matter how big or small (or compared to what others are facing), what you’re struggling with is enough to get support. If you need help, you need it. You are enough. Life is worth living. As long as you’re alive, it can get better.  

So please, 

Admin, provide better resources.  

Students, get the support you need—you do need it.  

Everyone, let’s be better as a community. 

Love, 

Concerned Student 

If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline provides 24/7, connection to free, confidential support to people anywhere in the US. 

Call or text 988 

Or chat at 988lifeline.org 

R2s are available for additional support.