tldr: if someone comes to you about a relationship in their life, know that the risk of encouraging them to move towards forgiveness and love is that they might listen to you.
I called up a family member recently for advice. The last time I asked this family member for advice, I was calling them from a 7/11 employee’s personal phone. I was 18 (I am 21 now), stuck at a gas station I had trekked to from a broken-down car, armed with a dead phone of my own, and the only other phone number I could remember was my mom’s, who was at work. This family member told me he’d call someone else to come help me, forgot to do so, and proceeded to take a nap. Suffice to say, I try to avoid leaning on this family member. It tends to be a bad play.
In this moment, I called him because I truly felt there was no one else I could turn to. Why? I wanted to talk to someone about feeling like a friend had crossed my boundaries recently. Everyone I had talked to felt strongly that I should give this friend another chance because I knew his intentions had been good. I began to worry that anyone who supported me and had my best interest at heart— as in, anyone I could talk to at Olin— would tell me the same thing. Yes, this was black-and-white thinking on my part. I felt that, for me in that moment, one more person encouraging me to forgive would push me from my place of indecision to fully reincorporating this friend back into my life. I felt emotionally dysregulated, and I worried any path I could take would prove to be extreme.
And so, when I called up this family member (this phone call itself being an extreme path)— who I personally consider to be tripping 24/7– I was very surprised to hear the strangest, best advice I felt I had received on the issue: “I don’t know you or anyone else like that— good luck, though.”
As someone who tends to see more red flags in retrospect than in the present, someone who doubts their decisions constantly, someone who believes wholeheartedly that we all have an infinite capacity to love no matter what we lose— this was very liberating for me.
I say this to say, sometimes people are tripping. The emotional warfare between friends is oftentimes more unintentional than it appears on the surface. I wish the world was a safer place every day— I wonder how much more beautiful we’d all be to each other if it was. And still, still, I give this caution: If someone comes to you feeling like their boundaries have been crossed, consider that you may be dealing with someone who doesn’t isn’t often believed about being in pain. Consider that the grace that they do (or do not) give might reflect the grace they have received. Give them the gift of admitting you don’t know where you can, however you can— have hope that by, in some part, refusing them your undying support or condemnation, you create space for them to look within and believe themselves about what they feel. Have hope that if you disagree with them, they will make a better choice tomorrow. That you will make a better choice tomorrow.
In the end, I came to my own peace about the situation. I found the forgiveness for that friend in my heart that had been there all along. Every piece of advice given to me, regardless of whether it felt high-quality to me at the time or not, helped me to get to that place.
I don’t know you or anyone else like that— good luck, though.
