Extremely Scientific Horoscopes

Welcome back! I hope you all were able to find some kind of joy in your summers despite the state of current affairs and the Mercury retrograde that transpired from mid-June to mid-July. For those who aren’t familiar with this column, I am an amateur astrologist, and I enjoy calculating the locations and signs of celestial bodies and sharing some interpretations of those cosmic events. That being said, I’m an amateur, and while I’m happy to share how I learned about all of this, I probably got some stuff wrong. Feel free to reach out to me if you have any concerns.

In general, September brings forward a period of transition – as the sun moves from Virgo to Libra with the Autumnal Equinox (in the Northern Hemisphere) on September 23rd, you’ll see an influx of balance and harmony, especially in your closest relationships. Those roommate/housemate conflicts should resolve themselves, and you’ll soon figure out how often you should be calling your loved ones you are physically distanced from.

As with each month, there will be a full moon. This month’s full moon is in Pisces on September 2nd. Full moons in Pisces often correspond to periods of strong emotion – so if the last week or two has felt especially intense, you have reason to hope they will cool down soon. At the same time, these emotions should generally lead to productive discussion, so if you’re seeking some closure on past conflict or want to bring up concerns to your pandemic podmates, you can feel empowered to do that early and often. There will also be a new moon; this month’s will be on September 17th and will be in Virgo. New moons in Virgo present an opportunity for fresh starts. Kick off that initiative, club, or project around this month’s new moon, and you should be able to maintain a detail-oriented and productive trajectory going forward.

While your sun sign only reveals a small portion of your astrological story, there are specific astrological events especially relevant to each sign. 

Aries (Mar. 21–Apr. 19): Mars, your ruling planet, will enter retrograde in Aries on September 9th. This will invert your usual productivity-oriented mindset and challenge you to question your projects and working strategies. This does not have to be a bad thing; sometimes pivoting can lead to better outcomes, and experimenting thoughtfully can help you find better practices.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Your ruling planet, Venus, will enter Leo on September 6th. Take this opportunity to make confident choices when interacting with other people – volunteer to take on difficult assignments for your projects, and catch up with that old friend.

Gemini (May 21–June 21): Mercury rules both you and Virgo. Mercury enters Libra on September 5th, and brings calmness and a chance to make new friends as well as catch up with old ones. Later, on September 27th, Mercury will enter Scorpio, and you can expect to need to be more strategic with your communications.

Cancer (June 22–July 22): The moon is your primary ruler. As such, you will feel the effects of the September 2nd full moon in Pisces and the September 17th new moon in Virgo. While this shift from emotional and ever-changing stimuli to a more planned and straightforward way of thinking might feel jarring and make you feel restless at first, enjoy the opportunity to relax and remain productive at the same time. Working hard can be fun! 

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22): The sun rules you, so embrace Virgo’s detail-oriented, put-together spirit for the first half of the month before shifting towards more balance in Libra season. In short, be sure to unpack your belongings, but don’t worry too much about deciding where everything should go.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22): The sun starts the month in Virgo, promising you a powerful beginning to the month, which is especially useful in this time of transition. Channel this energy into taking steps to stay organized – reimage your laptop, file every piece of paper you own, and make the most aesthetically pleasing zoom background you can. Your future self will thank you!

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 23): Libra season starts towards the end of the month. If you were born in September, the positive impacts on your thinking and identity will take effect sooner – those who are on the cusp of Scorpio may feel restless in anticipation. Your ruling planet, Venus, enters Leo on September 6th, so you can feel empowered to act boldly, especially in the context of interpersonal relations (but please practice social distancing…). 

Scorpio (Oct. 24–Nov. 21): You have a mostly quiet month ahead. However, on September 27th, Mercury will enter Scorpio. This will likely lead to a need for strategic thinking in the realms of technology and communication. If you have too much information, try not to get bogged down in the details. If you have too little information, think before asking clarifying questions.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): Your ruling planet, Jupiter, goes direct in Capricorn on September 12th. This should lead to a general increase in your luck, especially in the context of new ventures or projects you are pursuing. Don’t be afraid to try something new, even if it seems scary or your professor tells you it might be “overscoped” or “not aligned with the laws of physics.”

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19): Saturn, your ruling planet, has been in retrograde since July 1st. This will change when Saturn goes direct in Capricorn on September 28th. This shift in career-minded Saturn signals a transition in your learning and work experiences; while the last few months may have felt like working hard within the constraints of a given system, you now have an opportunity to carve your own path. 

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18): Your ruling planet, Uranus, entered retrograde in Taurus on August 15th and will stay in retrograde for a while. This is an opportunity to stay grounded by reevaluating your community and the issues that affect it and taking action accordingly – this is a great time to phone bank for a candidate or issue you care about or join an advocacy organization to fight for what you believe in. 

Pisces (Feb. 19–Mar. 20): Most notably, this month’s full moon falls in Pisces – expect your intense emotions to persist through the beginning of the month before fading in its latter half. Also, your ruling planet, Neptune, will be opposite the sun (in Virgo) on September 11th, which may lead you to feel dazed and disorganized; this will pass, but take extra care to keep track of those first homework assignments.

Thanks for reading, and I hope this guidance serves you well over the next month. If you would like to discuss astrology or learn more, please feel free to reach out! 

Horoscopes from a Sober Contributor

I would usually use this section to describe upcoming astrological events and try to provide some insight regarding what the future might hold. I genuinely believe that astrology is the best tool we have by which to make sense of the present and meaningfully consider the future, and I think it’s at its most useful in times of deep uncertainty where other, less scrutinized models seem to fail. Regardless, the nature of current events made doing a standard analysis of the cosmos and reporting out accordingly in a public setting feel out of touch at best. Hopefully, I will soon return to writing rigorous, scientific horoscopes. I’m too much of a coward to do that right now.


If you must know, the sun is currently in Aries, and it will enter Taurus on April 20th. There will be a full moon in Libra on April 7th (it’ll be a supermoon!) and a new moon in Taurus on April 22nd. Pluto will enter retrograde on April 25th in Capricorn. I’ll admit I’m pretty nervous about the Pluto retrograde, but other than feel free to interpret this information as you’d like and feel free to contact me if you’d like to talk about astrology and interpretations. 

In the meantime, here are some less scientifically-determined food-related suggestions I would recommend for each sign to enjoy if they can acquire them in a safe way.

Pisces (Feb. 19–Mar. 20): If you can get to a store that sells fun novelty items, find whatever seems the most wack and exciting, purchase it, and consume it. 

Aries (Mar. 21–Apr. 19): There’s nothing wrong with adding more hot sauce to your daily diet.

Taurus (Apr. 20–May 20): Recreate the Olin Dining Hall experience and make a smoothie using whatever you can find wherever you are staying. No blender? Get creative!

Gemini (May 21–June 21): Usually supporting local businesses means getting takeout from a small place in your neighborhood, but it’s also okay to patronize a fast food chain if you’re looking for something specific. 

Cancer (June 22–July 22):  Canadian factories are working through the night to keep kraft mac and cheese on store shelves. You might as well go enjoy some dorm-room comfort food.  

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22): Spending hours carefully preparing overdressed breakfast foods so that you can photograph them is certainly allowed, 

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22): Consider freezing milk, as a treat. Or freezing literally anything else.

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 23): It’s okay to eat that microwave popcorn that you tossed in your backpack while trying to clean out your room a few weeks ago. Maybe put some pepper or olive oil or something on it though. 

Scorpio (Oct. 24–Nov. 21): Have you tried these protein powder recipes yet?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): Looking for an adventure? Pour some black beans, cheese, lettuce, salsa, and other taco fixings into a bag of chips and you’ll get walking tacos, a midwest classic (apparently). 

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19): You’re probably trying to stay healthy – consider making some nice vegan carrot hot dogs to spice things up!

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18): Get something caffeine! Whether it’s instant coffee or those chocolate covered espresso beans, do what you need to do.

Horoscopes by Idiots for Idiots

Editor’s Note: This was done in response to me needing material and my friends being memers. I would like to thank them for doing this and for helping fold the Frankly Speaking articles for the past couple of months. uwu I love you all. 

If you would like to see something different please submit materials.

Aries (Mar. 21–Apr. 19):
The stars will not stand for such yellow bellied actions

Taurus (April 20-May 20):

The stars predict tomorrow you’ll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep

source: weird “al” yankovic

Gemini (May 21–June 21)

Take a nap, you bitch.

Cancer (June 22–July 22):
Beware of getting crabs. You just are.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22):

Purr i cawe about my furiends rawr xD owo cawwy me purr I wuv aw of my furiends Xd uwu.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22):
No comment. Your mother would not be proud.

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 23):
I will not stop stabbing you because I am not stabbing you. 

Scorpio (Oct. 24–Nov. 21):
STOP STABBING ME

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21):
Killing furries is legal on some planets. You and Kenta finally become as strong as pegasus.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19):
Today you earn your horns. Be on the lookout for rites of passage and chances at growth. This is the time for you to focus, Capricorn. All of your energy needs to be channeled to important goals like getting your pubes dyed, or finding out how many chicken nuggets you can forcefully shove into your disgusting gob. Maybe both.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18)

There’s travel in your future when your tongue 

Freezes to the back of a speeding bus

source: weird “al” yankovic

Pisces (Feb. 19–Mar. 20)

You’ll experience deja Vu, the feeling that this moment has already happened. Which is Deja Vu, the feeling that this moment has already happened.

Horoscopes by a Sober Contributor

I hope that you all had a great February (or at least you were prepared for how February treated you). After a month spent carefully computing the locations of the planets and pretending that reading niche astrology books count as having a hobby, here are some general and sign-specific notes for the upcoming month. 

There are a few major astrological events of note this month that will affect all of the signs. 

The sun is currently in Pisces, and it will enter Aries on the 21st of the month. While Pisces season  provided some moderately uplifting energy, the combination of the Spring Equinox and the boldness associated with Aries in general promises new beginnings and opportunities at the end of the month. With that, remember that novelty requires sacrifice of previous holdings, especially those that cause harm to you. 

As you might already know, Mercury is already in retrograde, and will continue to remain in this state until March 10th. However, its worst effects (miscommunication, problems with technology, etc.) will lighten starting on March 4th, when Mercury enters Aquarius. After March 10th, your communication and technology will start to stabilize, but recall that there will be a brief period of retroshade immediately following the end of the retrograde. 

Lastly, there will be a full moon in Virgo on March 9th and a new moon in Aries on March 24th. Virgo’s meticulousness suggests that this first lunar event will give you the chance to get organized, but be sure to relax as needed. The second will give you a chance to boldly move forward. 

Here are some sign-specific notes for you all. Remember that just judging by your sun sign is not a very holistic way to read your horoscope. For some more insights, also consider your moon sign (which rules your emotions and inner self) and your rising sign (which rules the way you present to other people). If you don’t know what your moon and rising signs are, you can use an online calculator, assuming you can first find out the time you were born at. 

Aries (Mar. 21–Apr. 19): 

The sun will enter Aries in the second half of the month, offering you an opportunity to consider your individual needs and boldly push forward. Leverage the spirit of the spring equinox to take control of your time and energy and move forward accordingly. If you need to drop a project (or feel ready to pick up a new one!), now is the time to do it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): 

Your ruling planet, Venus, enters your sign on Thursday, March 5th. With Venus in Taurus, you can feel empowered to take risks, especially in your relationships. Remember that while you may be experiencing this boost, others may not be, so stay grounded – not everyone’s reference voltage is the same as yours. 

Gemini (May 21–June 21): 

Mercury is your ruling planet. Along with going direct (exiting retrograde) on March 10th, Mercury will enter Aquarius on March 4th and then Pisces on March 16th. These changes will not create additional drama – in fact, you ought to feel more stable with each change, so feel free to take on more responsibilities.

Cancer (June 22–July 22):

Cancer, you are ruled by the moon, so this month’s lunar events are most relevant to you. There will be a full moon in Virgo early this month and a new moon in Aries towards the end of March. Take this opportunity to leverage the power in each sign – use the full moon to reflect and organize your priorities as spring break approaches, and then get ready to act as soon as it ends.  

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22): 

You will strongly feel the effects of the sun entering Aries at the end of the month. Enjoy the spirit of novelty and well-intentioned action that arrives alongside the spring equinox, especially since the Mercury retrograde will help you reconnect with your personable spirit. Stay open-minded, but also communicate what you are thinking – people will listen. 

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22): 

There is a full moon in your sign this month – this is a great opportunity to take personal risks and manifest your goals. Enjoy the confidence boost and the outcomes of your hard work – projects you start now may pan out nicely in the future. 

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 23): 

Libra, you are ruled by Venus. Venus will be in Taurus for most of the month, which will bring additional energy (and potentially also drama) to your relationships. Enjoy this, but be sure to take time for yourself and set (and stick with) your personal limits. There’s nothing wrong with taking an evening off of your usual responsibilities and spending some time alone.

Scorpio (Oct. 24–Nov. 21):

The combination of the Mercury retrograde and the full moon in Virgo has left you especially reflective, likely to the point where it is causing more stress than it is benefitting you. While this will plague you for most of the month, try to leverage the new moon and the transition of the sun into Aries as a chance to start over – sometimes it’s better to embrace the deltas instead of just listing them out and moving on. 

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): 

Both you and Pisces are ruled by Jupiter, so you may feel some of the side effects of the end of Pisces season and the movement of Mercury into Pisces on March 16th. Enjoy this chance to embrace your own individuality and personal spirit, but be sure to check yourself before you get too far ahead of yourself. 

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19): 

Your ruling planet, Saturn, enters Aquarius on Sunday, March 22nd. This eccentricity may conflict with your essentially pragmatic nature, but give yourself a chance to try to grow as a person – learning opportunities are everywhere, even if they look like a waste of time. 

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18):

Mercury will move into Aquarius on March 4th, giving you an opportunity to bring some of your logic and rationality to the otherwise confusing season. Furthermore, you will also see improved communication with those around you, and this also ought to manifest in smoother travel plans and engineering projects. Enjoy the season, Aquarius, but be careful about overcommitting – things will not always be like this. 

Pisces (Feb. 19–Mar. 20): 

Pisces, the sun exits your sign towards the end of the month. Enjoy the rest of Pisces season, and remember that even though Mercury is in retrograde, you have total control over your sense of self. Your own power will feel especially relevant after March 16th, when Mercury enters Pisces. This is your time – use it to plan and reflect, and get ready to act boldly when the sun enters Aries at the end of the month.

Horoscopes

Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19):

Have you found yourself dreaming about your final projects? It’s probably time to take a break. Try dreaming about dreaming about your final projects instead. It’ll be so confusingly meta that your brain just might switch back to dreaming about sheep, or whatever. Your lucky numbers are 7, 45, and 81.

Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20):

Code taking a long time to run? Use that time wisely — don’t forget to let your friends know that you appreciate them by challenging them to spontaneous dance battles. Your (sentient, of course) CPU will jack up its processing speed so that the performance will just end already. (Note: this does not apply if you and your friend are good dancers, in which case a dance battle will have the opposite effect.) Your lucky numbers are 32 and 64.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20):

Something goofed during course registration, and you’re now stuck in ENGR6283: Introduction to Time Travel as your only class for spring semester. That’s okay, and you’re valid! Just don’t cause any universe-ending paradoxes… Your lucky number is approximately 3*10^8.

Cancer (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22):

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT load leftover Thanksgiving mashed potatoes into the 3-D printers. (This is because mashed potatoes extruded from a 3-D printer’s nozzle are in fact the tastiest potatoes of all, and you absolutely cannot let this secret be known.) Your lucky numbers are 76, 44, and 39.

Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22): 

Why did the programmer mistakenly wear a Halloween costume to a Christmas party? Because Oct 31 == Dec 25! Ha ha…ha. (It’s actually because they’ve lost all sense of time and reality. Don’t be like this programmer. Can someone please tell me what year it is? That was supposed to be your lucky number…)

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22):

The approaching snow will not hurt you. Probably. Do not pay attention to the grinning teeth appearing around the O. Do not be afraid to build a figure out of snow. (Do not approach Parcel B.) (Do not look at Parcel B.) (Do not think about Parcel B.) Your lucky numbers are 0 and 1.

Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22):

Yes, post-it notes count as Christmas tree ornaments. But no, constructing a Christmas tree out of obscene quantities of green post-its probably does not count as Taking Olin Home over winter break. Your lucky numbers are 3, 10, and 19.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21):

You must resist the temptation, perhaps amplified by end-of-semester stress, to doubt your capacity to induce happiness in others. Your lucky number is 1/(1 + jωRC), but I forgot the values of ω, R, and C. (If you guess the correct values, you’ll be *really* lucky.)

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21):

Turkey Day is long gone, but consider treating yourself to a nice hamburger (or whichever hamburger-equivalent suits you) during these trying times. Your lucky number is 0xDEADBEEF.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19):

As final projects approach, you may become weary of the unique scent of the woodshop. Be not deterred. Eau de Euca Board (or whatever you’re using) is a surprisingly sought-after scent outside the confines of Olin, and will grant you numerous successes. Your lucky numbers are 1.5, 3.5, and the square root of 2.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18):

I hate to break it to you, but you should really get rid of that long-dead plant that’s been sitting in your room for ages, its beige once-foliage blending in with the décor. It’s never coming back. You should really consider a succulent. Your lucky number is however many hours it took for that plant to die.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20):

In the midst of editing your NaNoWriMo novel from last month, you will realize with a start that all those typos, grammatical errors, and discontinuities are pointing towards *something*. But what? Be determined. Do not give up the fight to interpret yourself. Your lucky number is 40,001.

Sober Horoscopes

I hope that you all had a great September (or at least you were prepared for how September treated you). After a month spent carefully computing the locations of the planets and pretending that reading niche astrology books count as having a hobby, here are some general and sign-specific notes for the upcoming month. 

There are a few major astrological events of note this month that will affect all of the signs. On October 13th, there will be a full moon in Aries – this can create a deep feeling of uncertainty. You can see this as a risk (and then practice the associated avoidance strategies), or you can take it as an opportunity to take a stand. On October 23rd, the sun will leave Libra and enter Scorpio, so be aware that the balanced lifestyle you may enjoy for the first half of the month might quickly intensify. 

Lastly, on October 31st, Mercury will enter retrograde in Scorpio – while Halloween itself might be spooky, this is terrifying. Mercury retrogrades bring issues with technology and communication, and a retrograde in Scorpio brings deep tension and conflict in all aspects of life. Spend this month preparing for the retrograde, and keep in mind that you will find deeper truths on the other end of it.

Here are some sign-specific notes for you all. Remember that just judging by your sun sign is not a very holistic way to read your horoscope. For some more insights, also consider your moon sign (which rules your emotions and inner self) and your rising sign (which rules the way you present to other people). If you don’t know what your moon and rising signs are, you can use an online calculator, assuming you can first find out the time you were born at. 

Aries (Mar. 21–Apr. 19): 

Aries, your ruling planet is Mars. Mars is not doing anything particularly interesting this month, but worry not – this month’s full moon (on October 13th) is in Aries! Use this opportunity to reflect on who you truly are and what motivates you, and then make sure that you think about how you can carry those learnings forward, regardless of whether you are thinking about what to eat in the dining hall or where to work next summer.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): 

Taurus, your ruling planet is Venus. While Venus is not having too eventful a month, it will be sextile to Pluto on both October 20th and October 25th – note that this is happening both in Libra and in Scorpio. Because interactions between Venus and Pluto brings some intensity to your personal relationships, make sure you stay level-headed and pragmatic even when it is exciting to obsess over the details. 

Gemini (May 21–June 21): 

Gemini, you are ruled by Mercury. While Mercury is interestingly positioned in relation to several planets over the course of the month, most of the impacts you will feel are linked to the looming retrograde. While the Mercury retrograde is an opportunity to learn more about yourself, there is sometimes a place for just trying to manage the chaos and reflecting on the other side – we practice that all of the time at Olin. Just do not forget to eventually do a plus/delta session and come up with a measurable kaizen afterwards!

Cancer (June 22–July 22):

Your ruling celestial object is the moon. This month, there will be a full moon in Aries on October 13th and a new moon in Scorpio on October 27th. Both of these signs are fairly individualistic, so let this be a chance for you to channel your own conviction into meaningful action. While how small Olin is can feel suffocating sometimes, it can also be empowering, and this month is your chance to leverage the environment you are in. 

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22): 

Leo, your ruler is the sun. As the sun moves from Libra to Scorpio this month, you will have many opportunities to experiment with your ability to pursue your lofty ambitions while maintaining a realistic and balanced life. Note that pushing yourself to be the best you can and living a reasonable lifestyle is a balance in and of itself, and no one except for you can find how that translates to your day-to-day life. 

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22): 

Virgo, like Gemini, you are ruled by Mercury. Mercury is going through several different changes in position this month, and while you are more likely to feel them than Gemini is, remember that these are only minor setbacks in face of the looming retrograde in Scorpio. Learn everything you can for the beginning of the month, and remember that the following period will likely not be as bad as you envision it to be. 

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 23): 

Enjoy the end of Libra season! This opportunity for clear thinking literally only comes one time every year, so take advantage of this time to make a plan for the near (and distant). Your ruling planet, Venus, will be sextile to Pluto on October 20th and October 25th this month (both when the sun is and is not in Libra) – this event usually brings some gravity to your personal relationships, so be ready to stay grounded even when you feel like you have every right not to be. 

Scorpio (Oct. 24–Nov. 21):

The coming two months are chaotic for you. Your ruling planet, Pluto, exits a five-month retrograde on October 3rd – as it goes direct, take some time to turn your self-reflection into actionable goals, as you will need them to recenter. The sun enters Scorpio on October 24th, which will positively impact your thinking and identity, but the Mercury retrograde in Scorpio starting on October 31st will bring miscommunication to your closest relationships, regardless of whether that be with the people around you or the technology you use. You are allowed to feel okay even when your world suggests you should not. 

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): 

Saggirtarius, your ruling sign is Jupiter. On October 13th, the sun will be sextile to Jupiter, which should empower you to work towards your personal goals. As this is also the day of a full moon in Aries, you can feel free to ask yourself deeper questions about your personal conviction and how that connects to your day-to-day actions. Extra points if it also helps you on your job interviews/grad school applications.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19): 

Saturn, your ruling planet, is back in direct this month, which provides you an exciting opportunity to get to work after a less grounded time in your life. Maintaining that personal drive will be really important this month, especially on October 7th when the sun will be square to Saturn. This event can potentially bring some personal struggle and conflict around the beginning of the month, but things will cool off quickly. A walk around Parcel B can fix more problems than you think it can, but please use bug spray.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18):

Aquarius, your ruling planet is Uranus. On October 7th, Mercury will be opposite Uranus, and this will probably make the early half of the month fairly hectic for you. While the middle of the month will be a lot calmer, make sure to stay grounded. On October 28th, the Sun will be opposite Uranus, which will bring additional uncertainty. Note that this energy is not necessarily a bad thing, and while you might initially feel overwhelmed it might bring additional clarity in the future. 

Pisces (Feb. 19–Mar. 20): 

Your ruling planet, Neptune, is not very active this month. However, a few small events – including that it will be trine with Venus on October 21st and sextile with Mercury on October 15th, will cause an increase in your own capacity for personal reflection and creativity. This is a great time to start a new art project or revisit ones you might have forgotten about. 

Horoscopes by Spoooky Editors

Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20): Watch out this halloween for you will actually be frightened by jack-o’-lanterns as if you were a vampire or as if you had just undergone a horrible break-up with a man named Jack O’Lantern.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20): It turns out, you are a vampire, which is why you hate garlic and have never shown up in mirrors.

Cancer (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22): You will miss your classes and Olin professors will simultaneously start taking attendance that very day. 

Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22): Remember that spider you killed last week? You know what I’m talking about. Well his name was Greg, and his family misses him and his sister Valencia is coming to exact revenge. She says she will show no mercy and she will lay her eggs in your shoes.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22): You will wake up one day with the strange, but unmistakable, feeling that you were a donut in your past life and your friends killed and ate you to survive the winter.

Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22): You will start the book It by Stephen King and realize that you’ve enslaved yourself for life, or at least the semester. But you’ll enjoy yourself because it’s a good read.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21):  The SAG apple apple you pick will have a worm in it. His name is Earl. You will become a great friend, but he will die soon thereafter. He is a worm, their life spans aren’t long.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): You will wake up one morning and realize that you no longer have pass-no-record.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): The dining hall staff will be replaced by robots who don’t care how much corn you want in your power bowl. 

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): You will realize that, all along, you were not meant to raise living things. The infamous basil plant was just the final drop in the bucket. You let a cactus die once. How could you ever forget that. Watch out, this career fair, instead of being recruited by Microsoft, you may be recruited by…the GRIM REAPER.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): You wake up on a season of Survivor only to realize that you are the asshole who gets voted out first.

Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19): Your tangled headphones will finally consume you and everything you love.

Horoscopes From a Sober Contributor

Welcome back to Olin! I hope you all had wonderful summers despite the Mercury retrograde that brought chaos (primarily in the realms of technology and communication) for almost the entire month of July. Hopefully the past few weeks of Mercury’s post-shadow period has brought some calm and organization, which will surely prove key as another academic year begins.

 

Looking forward to the next few weeks, there are a few events of astrological significance worth considering. Each of these will have slightly different impacts on each of the signs (most notably, Libra and Virgo), but their overarching effects are fairly general.

 

While both the sun and Mercury will be in Virgo for the first half of the month, Mercury will enter Libra on September 14th, nine days earlier than the sun. While any negative effects during the period where the two planets are not conjunct should not be strong, expect strong thinking and communication from the 23rd on. Sending out that when2meet you forgot about until three weeks into the semester might not be as much of a nightmare as you expect. 

 

As with each month, there will be a full moon. This month’s full moon is in Pisces, which means that emotions may run strong towards the middle of the month as well – maybe save that radically honest teaming feedback session for the second half of the month when everything is a little more relaxed. It is also possible that the full moon will be in constellation Phoenix, so maybe Olin was the right decision all along, or maybe not. I’m not good enough at math to tell you for sure.

 

In general, September brings forward a period of transition – as the sun moves from Virgo to Libra with the Autumnal Equinox (in the Northern Hemisphere) on Monday, September 23rd, we celebrate the start of another semester and yet another opportunity not to get into our co-curricular of choice while bracing for longer nights and forthcoming problem sets, team projects, and all-nighters. 

 

Furthermore, each individual sign has concerns they ought to keep in mind in the following month – these are just a few general notes. For more detailed suggestions, I suggest you generate your natal chart. 

 

Aries (Mar. 21–Apr. 19): Aries, your ruling planet is Mars. While Mars is in direct motion this month, it will fall conjunct with the sun on September 2nd. Even though its effects may feel subtle, welcome changes in your thinking and identity as you start the new school year, even if the impacts of the decisions you make feel distant. This is the semester to take that experimental class after all. 

Gemini (May 21–June 21): Mercury rules both you and Virgo. While Virgo will feel stronger impacts from the sun this month, note that the variety of Mercury transits this month will impact both of you, but Gemini will likely feel them more strongly. While this might feel chaotic at first, enjoy the novelty of a relatively benign yet varied experience this month. After all, the bubble would be a lot more boring if we did not try to shake things up sometimes.

Cancer (June 22–July 22): The moon rules you, and it will be full in Pisces on September 14th and a New Moon in Libra on September 28th. While this shift from emotional and ever-changing stimuli to a more balanced and static way of thinking might feel jarring and make you restless at first, enjoy the opportunity to relax and remain productive at the same time. Just because you are suffering more does not necessarily mean you are achieving more.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22): After an eventful summer, this might be a quieter month for you. Your ruler is the sun, so take advantage of when it is in Virgo for the first half of the month to reorder and re-prioritize. You have a busy (and exciting!) semester ahead of you, so you might want to finish unpacking your belongings before it is time to start packing them up again. 

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22): The sun starts the month in Virgo, promising you a powerful beginning to the month. Channel this energy into getting organized for the beginning of the semester, but don’t be afraid to be bold with how you go about this. It is time to consider reimaging your laptop (but back up your data first!) or joining (or dropping!) another club or team. 

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 23): Libra season starts towards the end of the month. If you were born in September, the positive impacts on your thinking and identity will take effect sooner – those who are on the cusp of Scorpio may feel restless in anticipation. This will pass. the second half of the month should go smoothly for you, consider that both the sun and Mercury are in your sign and Venus, your ruling planet, is in direct motion. No need to worry if the semester starts off slowly – there is plenty of time and energy left for you.

Scorpio (Oct. 24–Nov. 21): Scorpio, your (modern) ruling planet is Pluto. Pluto, the planet of the underworld and personal transformation, is in its final month of retrograde in Capricorn, which is a serious sign. Pluto is generally in retrograde for five months out of the year, and it’s winding down reminds us that there is still plenty of opportunity for serious self-reflection and to make a plan of action for the next chapter. Keep your learning goals ambitious and your schedule realistic. 

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): Your ruling planet is Jupiter, which has been in Sagittarius for almost a year now, bringing you confidence and opportunities for personal growth. While there are still a few more months where this is the case, Jupiter will square Neptune on September 21st, so you may be more easily mislead during this time. Trust your instincts; confidence is not always competence. Don’t join that random Babson student’s startup, especially if they will only pay you in equity.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19): Saturn, your ruling planet, has been and will remain in Capricorn until 2020. While this long-standing transit has likely shaped your personal sense of duty and belonging over the past few years, the past few months of Saturn retrograde gave you a chance to break away from reality. On September 18th, Saturn will go direct again, so note that you will need to confront some difficult truths and get back to what actually matters. You can drop a class/club/job if it feels like the right thing to do, and call home once in a while.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18): Your ruling planet, Uranus, has been in retrograde and will be for a while. The most notable point of concern for you is that Mercury will be trine with Uranus on September 1st. While all signs will feel the effects of this transit, you likely will have the strongest response when this report brings you exciting news and/or the opportunities to make new friends. Your intuition is powerful right now, and your energy will help you reconnect with old friends and make new ones.

Pisces (Feb. 19–Mar. 20): Most notably, this month’s full moon falls in Pisces. While all of the signs may experience more intense emotions at this time, the effects may linger for longer for you, especially as your ruling planet, Neptune, remains in retrograde. This does not need to be stressful – take advantage of this opportunity to engage with creative opportunities, but make sure to wear safety glasses.

Horoscopes by Drunk Editors

Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19): Friends or a group with which you’re affiliated could propose a flunnel. This might seem like a great sneedle, Aries, so you’re likely to go for it. You will probably have a zizzer-zazzer-zuzz.

Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20): An opportunity to do some extra nizzards outside the scope of your regular floob-boober-bab-boober-bubs could present itself to you. Take it, Taurus.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20): You might be extremely busy now. Invitations to large vippers, small snuvs with close nerds, and intimate evenings with romantic loraxes might come up today.

Cancer (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22): Unexpected quimney’s could wake you up to the possibility of fizza-ma-wizza-ma-dill opportunities, Cancer.
Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22): If you aren’t romantically involved, an yuzz, obsk, or other wumbus into your neighborhood might bring an exciting new diffendoofer into your life.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22): Mon that you may have been hoping to use to better your kweet or hakken-kraks could suddenly come your way today, Virgo.

Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22): When you run errands today, check the whisper-ma-phones in local businesses. Today you might find the sneetches you crave right in your midwinter-jicker.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Ooblek received today excites your imagination and encourages you to start a new artistic or creative project. Stories, bar-ba-loots, truffula trees- all could come together in your mind and form an idea that could change your life.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Floob-boober-bab-boober-bubs is the word for today, Sagittarius. A lot of physical and mental energy, as well as murky-mooshy, might lead you to aim for goals that others consider too risky or schoppity-scholpp.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): New career goals may come your way with the current lerkim opening up possibilities.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Fascinating new information could arrive today from jill-ikka-jast or the sala-ma-goox, opening up new educational opportunities.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): A sudden burst of rink-rinker-fink and humph-humph-a-dumpher could lead to additional income for you, Pisces.

Horoscopes by Drunk Editors

Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19): A confident angle between a club-focused hostage and your condition, sharpens your collectable abilities today. Take the woozle by the horns today, Aries, and don’t second-guess yourself.

Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20): If life feels a bit spooky or hallowed today, mix up your usual drain. Try a different break to work. Call up a new crook for income and meet in understood grass.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20): Abracadabra! You’ve got a few scares up your table today when it comes to memorizing a mind. But true firemen never reveal their trees.

Cancer (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22): It’s one thing to stand up for your digestion but careful not to screech into brass battles. Try introducing your passenger and being more nappy.

Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22): Could cemetery Leo use a makeover? If you’re feeling waggish around a knit or wool project, enlist an arrogant friend or two.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22): Only you can free yourself from your terrific shoes, and the scorch to do that is now. Today’s luxuriant moon-Mars fire urges you to move past any pickles you’ve created.

Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22): Your natural snow has the power to sway a duck, so work it to your advantage. Today’s vivacious sip between the moon and dreary Mars helps you move chins on a lush and heartfelt level.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): How well do you know the ghosts in your community? Take time to get to know the streets a little better. Introduce yourself to the chemical who makes your macchiato so rebelliously, or find out how to join the area basketball co-op.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Lusting after a royal cactus that will complete your home or suspect wardrobe? If the cattle to splurge strikes, get secretive.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Don’t let a noxious spider get you down, Capricorn. Rally your apparatus to keep the momentum going.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Got a case of the rabbits? Fend off the languid drag by switching up your sails. Instead of dragging yourself beyond your pines, try to go with the cooing.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): You’re blushing to say something, so don’t hold back. Channel the outspoken and magnetic hydrant of the day into disillusioned flowers.