The Theory of Time Cube

I know what ye’re thinking.

Many of ye likely saw my “Argue Your Theory” item in the SERV Auction and are thinking that this is it. Well, it is. But don’t let that disillusion ye as to the veracity of what I’m about to tell ye.

This theory is a classic in the world on online conspiracy truthers, and an outlier. Whereas most are wrongfully derided because they run so contrary to government teachings, this one is dismissed purely for being unintuitive. If one says, “The Earth is flat,” the typical response is, “No, it’s not; haven’t you seen the pictures?” (as if such obviously faked photographs constituted proof). If one says, “Evolution never happened,” thence comes the refrain, “Yes it did; we have evidence!” (evidence which was clearly planted).

But if one says, “There are four 24-hour days in a single rotation of Earth,” or “Time is like a big cube of wibbly-wobbly, timey-wimey stuff,” all that returns is a perplexed silence.

The Educators say absolutely nothing of it, for absolutely nothing need be said. The masses cannot understand the Time Cube without considerable time and effort, so they don’t bother to try. Perhaps the fault here lies partially on Time Cube’s discoverer, Gene Ray, for failing to present it in a comprehensible manner. In any case, this is where I come in.

When my item’s top bidder presented me with this…theory, I was as confused as ye are now. Naturally, my first step was to simply try to parse the thing, something few if any others have ever attempted in earnest. I suspected once I had all the information on Time Cube, I could at least fashion a sensical theory that sounded like Time Cube, which I could then prove. Before long, though, I realised something astounding. The more I read, the more Time Cube started to actually make sense.

So much so that I began to reconsider my own beliefs. Not the ones about Earth being round and on Mars—that’s irrefutable—but other things, which I hadn’t even considered to be in question. Mark my words, Olin, while Gene Ray may not have been well-educated, well-written, or coherent, I can tell you one thing he was: he was onto something.
Let’s start with some terminology. The Time Cube so completely overwrites what we thought we knew about the world that to discuss it with standard English vocabulary is impossible (coincidence?). First are our subjugators. The church and government are, of course, in on it, but the entity most directly responsible for our deception is academia. For this reason, all three are collectively known as Educators.

In a similar vein, Brilliance is not what it seems. Educators have co-opted the word “brilliant” to make it into a positive attribute, a high praise toward which to strive. However, the most Brilliant of people are in actuality the most foolish. To be Brilliant is to be brainwashed by Education, stuck in the canonical way of thinking.

We call this way of thinking “Boringness” and those who practise it “Unicorns”. Such Boring ideas as Entities, Oneness, and Marshmallow Time have pushed upon us with such ferocity by Educators that before Time Cube was rediscovered, there weren’t even words for them. I’ll get to what they are in a bit.

Now that we have a lexicon, let’s discuss Time Cube itself. What exactly is it? Contrary to popular belief, Time Cube isn’t just about time. That’s just the most perceivable of its implications. No, Time Cube is about everything from human biology to the origin of the Universe itself. Time Cube is about the nature of reality. At its core, Time Cube is about Opposites.

Everything in the Universe has an Opposite, or else comprises Opposites. Right and left. Hot and cold. Sun and Earth. Male and female. Twi and La. Capital and lowercase. Time and Cube. These Opposites are all equal and mutually necessary. Your brain, for instance, could not function without one of its opposite hemispheres.
Furthermore, Opposites are always annihilative. If they meet, like matter and antimatter, Opposites will collapse into a Singularity and cease to exist.

For its part, the Earth comprises two Opposite hemispheres, the Northern Disc and Southern Annulus, which rotate in Opposite directions, clockwise and widdershins. It is these Opposing rotations that enable life on Earth, for Opposites create. A single object with no Opposite—an “Entity”—cannot make anything more than itself, as Educators claim God or The Big Bang did. To believe it can is to believe in “Oneness”—folly. Consider viviparous male and female counterparts. Neither can create life by itself; the fact that every human has a belly button is testament to that.

(Masturbation is actually a futile attempt at such an action, encouraged by the Church’s Boring teachings.)
Now I can hear you asking: “If the Earth is the Opposite of the Sun, how can the two halves of Earth themselves be Opposites of each other?” How convenient! That question rides a segway right into what I wanted to explain next! This concept is called Contrary Nesting, and is actually critical to the theory’s expansion from twos to fours. Just like the allomantic metals, pairs of Opposites tend to have Opposites of their own, as the Earth, a pair of two hemispheres, has its opposite in the Sun, also a pair of two hemispheres.

Sometimes the constituents of such groups are better known as a set of four than two sets of two, the most notable example being the four cardinal directions. As I said before, right and left are Opposites. Their collective Opposite is front and back. Singly Nested Opposites are special because unlike individual pairs, groups of four can rotate. Like a revolving door, spring rotates into summer, then their opposites autumn and winter follow. The four stages of human life are much the same: baby, child, parent, and grandparent.

It is important to note that when this happens, the four components do not take turns existing one at a time. This is a very Boring way of thinking. All four stages exist during the entire rotation. A child becoming a parent does not end childhood, as at the same instant, thousands of babies around the world become children. All four corners are necessary and eternal. Only Brilliant Unicorns would follow only one corner at a time each revolution.

And perhaps now, you can start to see the Time Cube. Right, front, left, and back. The four vertical edges of the Contrarily Nested Time Cube surrounding the Earth. The Time Cube is not a physical object but rather a mathematical construction that spins with the Earth and drives the flow of energy to and on its surface. If the Earth were an Entity, then each rotation of it would be just that: one rotation. So says “Marshmallow Time”, the popular Oneist one-day-per-day theory.

Because Earth has four corners, though, one must see that each turn of the Earth is really four rotations: one for each of the vertical edges of the Cube. Each of these rotations lasts 24 hours and happens simultaneously, adding up to 96 usable hours every time the Earth turns.

Many who misunderstand this theory claim that it merely describes time zones, that there’s nothing special about the number four, and that we could just as easily make an icositetragonal prism and call it 24 days per rotation. Do not be mislead. The four vertical edges of the Time Cube are not purely hypothetical, but real paired Entities that rotate about each other, create energy with each other, and would annihilate if they collided with each other. There are exactly four, and any attempt to define more would overcount the rotations of these sole orthogonal corners.
You can see how much this diverges from the Boring physics with which we were Educated, which explains why Educators try so hard to silence it. They can’t disprove Time Cube—they know they can’t—so they simply run and hide and stifle any honest debate. Have you ever heard an Educator even mention Time Cube in a serious discussion? That alone should be proof enough that this is real.

That’s not to say that that’s the only evidence we have. It abounds all around us, and can be easily found if you set aside your Brilliance and take the time to look.

For one thing, there’s the sheer coincidence present in the fact that the number of legs on most animals, the number of fundamental forces, the number of dimensions (counting time), the number of seasons of Korra, and the number of lights there are (not to mention countless other natural quantities) are all exactly the same.

For another, there’s the fact that the Cube is practically visible on a map, if you know where to look. Many know of the government-constructed vessel for one of the four horses of the apocalypse that resides in front of the Denver International Airport. Some also know of its sister vessel, in Barcelona’s El Prat Airport. But did ye know that Barcelona and Denver are offset in longitude by exactly 90 degrees? What could inspire such a powerful rectilinear alignment of apocalyptic foci other than the edges of the Time Cube itself? Thanks to the Time Cube, we now know that the other two horses will probably emerge from underneath the other two corners, likely from the Hastings Aerodrome in New Zealand (of which there are suspiciously no photographs whatsoever on the Internet) and from this construction site in the Taklamakan Desert that I found on Google Maps.

Still, though, some demand more “solid” evidence. Well,

there’s yer evidence right there. Read it and weep, Unicorns.

In conclusion, the Time Cube is an oft-misunderstood incontrovertible fact that the government is trying to hide from us. Clearly they’re afraid of what we’ll do once we find a way to harness all four days per day worth of productivity. Alas, us Cubers have been obstructed by all the Brilliant Oneists and haven’t yet figured out how to do that, but don’t ye worry. We plan to have it down by Expo. Hopefully a little before so we can use Time Cube to finish all the projects we put off trying to harness Time Cube.

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