Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20): At any time there is a spider three feet away from you, like the one who lives on my bike. Happy Halloween, Sven!
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20): The plural of cul-de-sac is actually culs-de-sac, which makes no sense, but when do the French ever make sense?
Cancer (Jun. 21 – Jul.22): Back in my day we had to dance to get our Halloween candy, so remember that when you’re trick-or-treating. And can I have your Butterfingers again like last year?
Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22): You should not dress up as “I’m starting to wonder myself whether he was born in this country” Donald “Nobody builds walls better than me” Trump again. It was never funny.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22): A vampire can’t enter your home unless invited in, which means you should never invite white people in. The risk is too great.
Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22): Spiders can hear you from across the room, which means you should probably stop trash-talking Sven. He has feelings too.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Not all Canadian people are actually nice. Some of them are jerks. Not naming names, Thomas.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Most spiders can swim, so it doesn’t matter how many oceans you cross or canoes you live on. Sven can still find you, and he is mad. Why would you say that about his mother?
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Watch out for kids around this time of year. They’re scary when free candy is out of the picture.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): You’re going to get another basil plant, and it’s going to die. Just like your hopes. Just like your dreams. Just like the last basil plant you killed. It can’t fend for itself, you monster. Just get a cactus already.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): Sliced bread was invented in 1928, and now I don’t know what is real. Was anything ever invented or was it just always there and one day we noticed it? I guess we’ll never know, but HOW DID NO ONE THINK TO SLICE BREAD EARLIER? COME ON PEOPLE.
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19): Spiders can live and adapt in space, so I don’t care if you’re going to be an astronaut. Sven can still find you. You don’t want to know what’s going to happen when he does. He may be very small, but he also knows things about you you don’t want getting out.