Thu hardist part uv lurnyng Inglish iz lurnyng tue spel, but it duznt haf tue by. Wut if Inglish wuz speld funetikly? Moest uv thyz wurdz mey look streynj, but theynks tue thu dizien uv this nue kunvenshin, meny uv thyz spelyngz ar egzaktly or nyrly thu seym az ther standurd kownturparts, wiel uthurz ar alredy in yues az nonstandurd spelyngz umung yung pypul.
Rydyng this mey by hard for yue, but ask eny chield or hispanufoen and they wil tel yue: this form iz signifikintly yzy’ur tue lurn. If yue kan sey a wurd, yue kan spel it, and if yue kan spel a wurd, yue kan sey it (with thu noetubul eksepshin uv “th”, wich miet by voyst az in “this” or voyslis az in “thin”). It apliez tue neymz tue, soe thu eyj-old dubeyt butwyn “Gedis” and “Gedyz” wood fienuly by rizolvd dependyng on how Jon chuziz tue riet it. Morovur, “Q” and “X” ar wurthlis pysiz uv garbij and ar not yuezd in Funetik Inglish, kutyng thu numbur uv leturs lurnurz nyd memuriez down tue tweny-tue.
Now ie kan hyr yue thynkyng: “Wut ubowt thu etimolujyz? Thu konjoogashinz? Woent it by hardur tue lurn tue riet if kidz doent noe wen tue ad u ‘-s’, ‘-z’, or ‘-iz’? Or uf they kant sy thu ryleyshinship butwyn ‘telefoen’, ‘fonugram’ and ‘funolugy’?” Um, noe. And hue kerz enywey? The kunjunkshinz ar yzy; kidz kan due thoez verbuly withowt thynkyng, soe tychyng them in skuel iz ryly a weyst uv tiem enywey. Az for the etimolujyz, lyngwists liek Noe’u Webstur and Otoe Yesbursin tend tue furget how yueslis they ar. Noe’yng how tue riet iz moer importint than noe’yng frum wens wurdz keym.
Thu oenly ryl downsied tue this iz murjurz, liek how sum pypul sey “kot” and “kot” difrintly, but uthurz doent. In thoez keysiz, ie er on thu sied uv fyuewur distynkshinz—wy Umerikinz get ulong just fien withowt difrenshi’eytyng “kot” and “kot”, soe British pypul shood by eybul tue due soe in rietyng az wel. In eny keys, betur tue meyk wun gruep rite difrent sowndz thu seym than tue meyk unuthur gruep memoriez sielent letur spelyngz.
Ther ar sichue’eyshinz wer spelyngz haf tue dievurj, wich iz wen difrint pypul prunowns thu seym wurd difrintly. For egzampul, “plan” if yor Umerikin vz. “plon” if yor rong. Spelyng standurdizashin iz u posibility, at lyst much mor soe than prununsiashin standurdizashin, but ie woent komprumiez on thu prinsipul that no spelyng nyd by memorizd. Thus, Funetik Inglish wil simply kary thu jrobak that sum wurdz ar speld difrintly bie difrint pypul, but oenly soe far az they ar sed difrintly.
Soe ther yue hav it. Mie prupoesul to meyk Inglish just u litul bit mor sensikul: Funetik Inglish. Wuns eynglufoenz urownd thu wurld sy thu lojik in mie argyuement, iem shoor theyl ygurly meyk thu chranzishin. Look forwurd tue sy’yng thyz spelyngz in thu nekst edishin uv Mery’um-Webstur.
Thats it. Wow, look at that. Undur fiev hundrid wurdz! This iz ryly speshul for—weyt, noe! Deyng it. Nevurmiend.
