Taurus (Apr. 20 – May 20): Stay in school kids. There are more drugs there.
Gemini (May 21 – Jun. 20): Dunce, ignoramus, dullard, drongo, klutz, Little Witham, silly billy, nincompoop, poop-stick, blockhead, dunderhead, dumbo, nitwit, stooge, sucker, twit, birdbrain, blockhead, bonehead, clod, cretin, dimwit, dolt, dope, goose, imbecile, loon, schlemiel, and numskull are all synonyms for fool. You’re welcome.
Cancer (Jun. 21 – Jul. 22): It turns out people don’t have an “I’m Feeling Lucky” button like Google does. But it would make making plans with your indecisive friend Jerry a lot easier. Come on, Jerry, Chipotle or Five Guys? It’s not that hard.
Leo (Jul. 23 – Aug. 22):
Fun fact: snails can survive in almost any habitat. I find that oddly inspiring.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sep. 22): Virgo means virgin in Greek. Which means most Virgos eventually have to change their birthdays to a more appropriate date.
Libra (Sep. 23 – Oct. 22): It’s a good thing cactuses don’t die as easily as that basil plant you killed last year. Yeah, we remember.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Much like you, a scorpion can glow in the dark, gives birth to live young, and consume anything they can subdue.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): OOOOOH WE’RE HALFWAY THERE WOAH OOOOH WE’RE LIVING ON A PRAYER. LIVING ON A PRAAAAAAAAYER!!!!
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): I don’t know. You probably like goats.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Water can dissolve more substances than any other liquids. So I’m thinking next time you get a super annoying teammate. You may want to try dissolving in. I don’t know, just throwing it out there.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – Mar. 20): I’m not drunk. Your face is drunk.
Aries (Mar. 21 – Apr. 19): As the great prophet Don McLean once said:
Bye, bye Miss American Pie
Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry
Them good ole boys were drinking whiskey and rye
And singin’ this’ll be the day that I die
This’ll be the day that I die