Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): If something bad happens twice it’s a coincidence. If it happens three times you’re cursed. If it happens one time, it’s somebody’s fault.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Let’s face the facts, you’re a mer-goat.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): You may feel a sense of emptiness this month. You’ll find yourself wondering if you’re still not over that basil plant. I mean, it was helpless. It only had you to look after it, and, let’s be honest, you failed it. You killed it. You’re a murderer, and you don’t even have a real job yet. You just can’t believe that you would let something that innocent and helpless die without a second thought. Then again, maybe it’s just because you forgot to eat breakfast.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): You might want to stay away from Cancer this month. Bad vibes and all that.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): Your shoe’s untied. Made you look.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Finals week is coming up, so I just want you to remember to KEEP CALM. EVERYBODY KEEP CALM. NOBODY FREAK OUT OR DO ANYTHING DRASTIC
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Your lucky number is at least 6.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Pisces is an asshole.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): But it was not your fault but mine, and it was your heart on the line. I really fucked it up this time. Didn’t I, my dear?
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Allen Downey has the answers to all your problems and wrote a book about it.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Then it comes to be that the soothing light at the end of the tunnel [sick bass line] is a freight train coming your way.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Would you like fries with that?