Horoscopes By Drunk Editors

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): The day before Thanksgiving, you will come down with a nasty bout of Amphibian Quail Sickness. The only known cure is putting a lime in- side of a coconut and drinking it all up. Hope you beat this.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Is the paint in your bathroom peeling more often than usual? It’s probably from all those showers your room- mate insists on taking at 5 AM while singing arias. At least you’ll know who to blame when Facilities doesn’t pass you for inspection.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Two mice were stuck in a bucket of cream. The first mouse quickly gave up and drowned. But the second mouse swam frantically, kicking his legs faster and faster until he churned the whole bucket in the butter. Moral of the story: the first mouse didn’t have to worry about the cat wait- ing outside of the bucket.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Did you know that pies were originally just jars to keep food in? Obviously the “jar” was made out of the medieval pie dough equivalent, but they somehow
managed to prevent rot/ bacteria from harming the filling over short periods of time. To honor those courageous inventors, you should eat lots of pie around the middle of the month.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): Every time some- one mentions a turkey this month, pretend like you’ve never heard of the creature, and make that person imitate a turkey call. It’ll be funny, I promise.
Aries (March 21 – April 19): You know what would be really bad this mini holiday season? If you slept through your alarm on your travel day. And then when you had scrambled to successfully book another travel reservation, the station got snowed in. And your fellow travelers started look- ing at you like a Donner Party member. But that’s totally not gonna hap- pen…
Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Riddle me this, ModSim-ers and ModSim Alumni: If there are 330 million Americans and each person eats 1/4 of a turkey and there are 100 million turkeys turned into Butterballs each November and turkeys re- produce at a rate of .89
per year, how long will it take before we resort to eating tofurkeys?
Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Oh. You’re gonna get stuck doing ALL of the project work over break because the rest of your team has had plans to fly home for WEEKS, and it just wouldn’t be fair to make them cancel on their families when you have time to do the work “any- way”?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Tell Taurus that we’ve actually been eating tofurkey for years. Those vegan scientists are get- ting good.
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22):
Don’t go to sleep on the 10th until after 11:59 PM. You’ll miss out on the coolest thing of the semester if you do.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): Have you ever tried to see how many fall leaves you can crumble up and stuff into you neighbor’s boots? No? Wow, you’re missing out.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Bring Leo some warm milk on the 10th. They been working really hard, and could definitely use a good night’s sleep. Maybe tell them a bed time story.

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