Horoscopes By Drunk Editors

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18): One is the loneliest number. Unless it goes to a party. You should attend a few this month.

Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20): Water is your sign. Drink lots of water. Good thing beer has water in it. So does wine. And vodka. Really any liquid to drown your sorrows at being alone during the middle of the month.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19): Don’t take the bull by the horns in a relationship. That’s stupid and dangerous. Actually, you probably shouldn’t have a bull in a relationship at all.

Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20): Get your hipster on this month. Give your special friend sweets in a mason jar.

Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20): They love me. They love me not. Make up your mind and stop whining about it.

Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22): Here’s what’s in your future… oh damn! The crystal ball has short term memory loss. There’s always the Magic 8 ball if you’re really that desperate.

Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22): Roses are red, violets are blue. No one loves you. Boo hoo hoo.

Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22): Here’s a great plan for your love life. Fall in love with yourself. Really. You deserve it. And no one’s gonna treat you better than you.

Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22): Smile more. You’ll make more friends, cheer people up, and feel great in the process. Smile, dammit! (WARNING: side effects white skin, and slowly turning into a morbid joke telling, deranged, homicidal maniac.

Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21): Want a Valentine’s date? Rub vanilla and sugar on your skin. JK. Unless you’re into ants.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21): Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the sweetest of them all? It’s you, baby. At least, it’s you unless Scorpio up there really is into ants.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19): If you eat lots of Valentine’s candy, guess you know the answer to “Does this make my butt look big?” Then again, chocolate helps produce dopamine, so really, it’s all about compromises (or something like that, Bio is not my thing).

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