Horoscopes by Drunk Editors

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Marco?

Taurus (April 20 – May 20):.Many hands.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): You, are foudroyant.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): April showers bring rainbows. Go find some.

Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22): Nyctalopic octothrope.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): There’s gum on your shoes. Both of them.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): Politeal Popinjays Play Ping Pong.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Boo.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Name a country.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Hitherto.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): [create your own]

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): POLO!