Horoscopes by Drunk Editors

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Now is a great time to have that discussion you’ve been putting off. It may not be comfortable, but you’ll be happier for it in the end.

Taurus (April 20 – June 20): Having apocalyptic thoughts? Feel like the world is going to come crashing down? It just might.

Gemini (July 22 – May 21): This month you will meet a frog. You won’t want to, but perhaps you should give it a second chance. You never know what a frog might become.

Cancer (June 21 – Oct. 23): It’s spring cleaning time. Clean your dirty laundry! Clean your room! Clean your life!

Leo (Jan. 20 – Aug. 22): You may feel like some aspects of your life are cemented in place. Don’t. It’s just an illusion.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Jan. 19): Imagine you are a seal with a ball balanced perfectly on your nose. You may feel uncomfortable letting it fall, but you have to eat sometime.

Libra (May 20 – Oct. 22): Your life is a condo. It’s a luxurious getaway, but it just doesn’t feel real. This month, figure out how to fix that.

Scorpio (March 20 – Nov. 21): Where did all that sand come from?

Sagittarius (Sept. 23 – Dec. 21): Did that flicker of warm weather get you down? Don’t worry, I’m sure there will be at least one more month of freezing cold, miserable weather this year. We do live in New England after all.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Sept. 22): The duck signals a discontent in your future. Catch the duck and eat it, before it ruins your life and your friendships.

Aquarius (July 23 – Feb. 18): Fill up your bucket with your worldly possessions and set out on a journey. It will be nice to clear your mind and reevaluate your life decisions for a while. Don’t forget to write home intermittently.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Nov. 22): Remember all those promises you made to yourself at the beginning of the year? It’s not too late to start making progress.