Horoscopes by Drunk Editors

Aries (March 21 – April 19): If you were a vegetable, you’d be a brussel sprout. Layered and hearty, but often overlooked and over-cooked.

Taurus (April 20 – June 20): Life is a bin. It’s up to you to choose whether it’s for trash or recylables.

Gemini (July 22 – May 21): Whew, it’s getting hot. Don’t fly too close to the sun, Icarus, or you’ll melt your wings clean off. Stick to the shade and chill the hell out.

Cancer (June 21 – Oct. 23): Life is a vending machine and you just input the code for those nasty Nature Valley bars instead of delicious Doritos. Look on the bright side: it could be Funyuns.

Leo (Jan. 20 – Aug. 22): Embrace your inner emotional lion, but give it some space afterwards. It just isn’t looking for that kind of commitment right now.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Jan. 19): Some important people in your life are having a hard time. Spend some time listening. You might want to pat some shoulders comfortingly, too.

Libra (May 20 – Oct. 22): There are 32 million bacteria on average on each square inch of your skin. This doesn’t have anything to do with your future. I’m just letting you know.

Scorpio (March 20 – Nov. 21): Your soul is a room and it is carpeted in white shag. It’s luxurious and looks great in photos but is a total bitch to clean.

Sagittarius (Sept. 23 – Dec. 21): If your life was a single-serving dessert, it would be a muffin: filling, homey, and always best when filled with chocolate chips instead of those shitty fake blueberries.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Sept. 22): Re-think your friendships. There are some Jafars in your life who are keeping you down. Here’s a hint: beware those who wear large hats and tend to carry snake-shaped staves.

Aquarius (July 23 – Feb. 18): Spring is a time for renewal and rebirth. Too bad we’re in Massachusetts, the state which skips spring entirely just to piss you off. Because you could totally use some renewal. Oh well. As Momma always said, “Life sucks and then you die.”

Pisces (Feb. 19 – Nov. 22): Your future is an evergreen forest shrouded in mists: the shapes are tall and foreboding but the details are impossible to see.