Ye Moste Accurate Horoscopes

Aries (March 21 – April 19): You’d better check yourself before you wreck yourself, friend. Maybe you aught to check out that log in your own eye before you criticize the speck in yo neighbor’s, buddy. Your excuses are so weak that their Young’s modulus is negative.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): You’ll find yourself confronting lies at every turn, but now is not the time to call bullshit. Maintain a calm facade and you’ll soon return to smooth sailing.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): You’re complicated, like an onion, but this is not the time to start peeling back those layers. Keep your cards close to the chest or you’ll lose more than a hand of poker. In other words, if you don’t keep your clothes on over Spring Break you will end up on MTV’s Daytona Beach, which your grandmother will be inexplicably watching while sipping gin and juice through a curly straw, and she will be reminded of the good old days where she…well. You’ve been warned.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): March is an iffy month. Surround yourself with green and you might just get lucky. You know, LUCKY. If you wear green or get a lot of money or film in a green room (or get a lot of money from filming in a room that is green) or whatever you will be fortunate enough to get laid. By a human. A live one. You’re welcome.

march2013_horoscopesLeo (July 23 – Aug. 22): You are special, cornflake.

Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22): You’ve been working too hard! Take a break and breathe a little. Taste some food. Smell some plants. Or whatever.

Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22): A fortuitous post will put you in possession of the finest horse hair. Help comes from the most unexpected places. Donkies and butterflies revel in a deep abyss. I think there was something odd in my water today.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21): Have you ever looked at your hand? Like, really looked at your hands? There are so many parts moving under your skin…you don’t even understand your hand. How can you understand anything else?

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21): Whew. Thinking about the mysteries of the future is hard work. Set aside the mists of tomorrow for the TV shows of today.

Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19): Are you feeling lucky? Here’s a gamble: first to fourth, WH + EH. Complete in under two hours and YOU can write MY horoscope.

Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18): Spring Break is going to be an adventure. Pack to prepare. I’d recommend a reliable knife, waterproof matches, dryer lint, and a wireless router.

Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20): Too many Irish car bombs. I predict a hangover.